Hopeless, but not helpless.

So, Ryan has been sick for the last ummmm...6 days? Considering he is spoiled baby, you can only image how he acts when he is ill. Anyway, on to the point here... I did everything I can to make the man more comfortable: Zicam, Vitamin C, green tea, orange juice, gatorade, tissues WITH lotion, picked up his part of the daily chores, back massages, rubbed his head until he fell asleep, and waited beck & call. Yes! I did all that! I am one kick-ass wifey. ;) hah. I did all of this while still feeling completely helpless. What I've done/did didn't make him any better, or atleast not immediately anyway.
All of this helplessness made me wonder if that is how he feels about me? I mean, let's face the facts here, I am not the healthiest, most strapping 21-year-old around. 14+ years of diabetes has taken it's toll on my body for sure. I am out of control, and I know this. I try to do what I can, but without medical insurance, and a team of physicians on my side, I fail at diabetes. I honestly have not seen an endocrinologist in over 7 years. I should be going to see one once every 3 months. I guess you can say I've missed out on a lot, to say the least. Ugh..back on topic....
So, I wonder if Ryan feels helpless to me? I asked him if he was prepared to watch me die? (I know depressing to most, but if you know me well enough, that shouldn't surprise you in the least.) His answer: "Yes, I watch it everyday." Is this fair? Not to me, to him. I wonder why he stayed so long? That's love right there ladies & gents! That's true love! "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you." --The Notebook.

When we were younger I told him my biggest fear-dieing alone...(I mean physicalling alone, with no one around). He reassured me that he would never let that happen since then, I am ok with dieing. My only problem is that people that I love have to witness it...slowly. I'm not sure which is worse? Feeling it, or watching it? But, I hope you don't feel helpless...none of you. Each one of you give me something to smile about, to prove, to strive for...you make everyday more comfortable.

I'm not giving up til the fat lady sings, and I've still got time to rip her damn vocal cords out! My current plan is to visit with a holistic healer, as soon as possible. I believe I'll get all the help I'll need from that--the natural way. Apparently, man-made, synthetic drugs do not work for me, as we all can see. Don't take me the wrong way, I'm still going to take my insulin & check my blood sugar. That's it. With that and whatever my healer reccommmends I'm well on my way to becoming healthier, for you & for me.

Peace && Love