Off-The-Wall-I-Don't-Give-A-Crap-Rant.

Soooo...basically I've been letting a few things just fester..and now I'm ready to vent.
Yes, I have friends...yes, I don't come to everything they invite me to, I'm not always there, whatever...
Call me selfish.
No that does not mean I don't care about you, or that I'm not a true friend.
Whoever I befriend means a lot to me.
Ask around, not many people will say, "yeah me & Mary are tight!"
I don't play that game.
I like to keep my friendship and give it to people who deserve it.
So a certain "friend"? of mine had a baby shower today..
I didn't go.
She's upset...yeah I get it.
I didn't really have a good excuse not to go...
But I will tell you what's on my mind when I think about this.
I cannot have my own kids.
It doesn't seem to be in the future for me.
My body isn't stable enough to take care of itself, how'd it support another life?
This is something I've known for years..
But to tell you the truth it didn't matter back then, because I was young, and didn't think that far in the future.
But, now it hurts...
It hurts a lot.
I'd love to be a mom.
Yeah, I'm going to adopt...but that's something I'm never going to experience in my life..
Being a mother to a child that I carried for 9 months...sharing a bond beyond explanation.
So, when I think of baby showers..it kinda breaks my heart?
And I'm not trying to say I'm not happy for anyone who is pregnant.
Because I'm over joyed! I'm so excited for her.
But that also doesn't mean I'm not envious.
Another thing my boyfriend, (who one day be my husband, and the father of my ADOPTED children) works 6 days a week.
6 out of the 7 days of the already too fucking short week.
So Sunday's are "our" days...
Like people have "family" days?? Well Sunday is ours..
A day where he doesn't have to worry about work or stress...
We just get to enjoy each others company, and to focuse on each other, doing whatever tickles our fancy.
And I remember exactly why I love this man with all my heart.
I live for Sundays.
He works 6 out of those 7 days a week for me.
Yeah, he puts me through school, pays my bills, and tries to give me the world.
That's a lot on his plate.
And I'm thankful for all of that, but because he does that I don't get to see much of him.
So on Sunday I fuckin' want to see him for more than 3 hours.
Give me a break.
My life isn't incredibly hard, I'm pretty spoiled..
I know this.
I just hate when people talk shit about things they have no clue about.
You think you know my life?
Guess again.
I think I only have ONE friend who understands my life.
She knows who she is.
She knows what's important, and I'd never get shit from her for "not making time for her"
Because if you're in my life, I've made time for you.
Life is too short.
I live for no one else but me.
I don't care what you think about that statement.
It's the truth.
My decisions are just that, my descisions..
I could make wiser, or nicer ones, but fuck it.
I don't.
If a person is meant to be in your life, they will stay there.
I'll keep my friends close, and yet as far away as I please.
This is my rant.
My life.
My choices.
I know I can't please everyone, so I'm not even going to try.

In other parts of my life...
I'm just so ready to go back to school.
To have some structure back in my life.
I'm trying to get ready for that..
Organizing the house...
Making it easier for when I get home and whatnot.
My dogs are wonderful!
I spent the whole day on Friday with my father.
We had a great time.
It was a much deserved father-daughter day.
Saturday I spent with my mom.
Got my hair cut & dyed.
I'm not longer a dark brown w/ highlights..
I'm a full blown firey red head.
Yeah, I dyed my hair to match my attitude.
hahaha.
Things are pretty good.
Can't really complain.
Good Night.

Mixed Feelings.

I'm good! It's been a while again right?

Yeah I know.

Uhmm..so I decided that the job wasn't worth it.

My body just could not handle it.

Ry seems ok with it.

Now I just have to deal with the whole "I make the money, you don't" thing again.

Ugh. I did make that endocrinologist appt.

I really need some help.

I need an insulin pump, but I just can't afford one.

My cousin got married today!

It was a cute, quaint wedding.

My mom was bragging to everyone about my grades in college && I'll be the next one taking a trip down the aisle, and how it's going to be a big bash. Hahha. She kills me.

It was great to see my family, since I haven't seen them since Christmas.

I'm hopefully getting my portrait of my mom finished this week.

YAY!

It was going to be tomorrow, BUT I ran the battery dead on my car tonight ((I left the lights one for like 4 hours)) So basically I probably won't be going anywhere tomorrow.

I went to see my Dara Jo tonight! Ugh! I miss the chick SOOOO much!

Speaking of friends...I feel I'm drifting far far away from one of my closest.

But, what can I do?

This always seems to happen to me.

She is going through a lot right now...

I wish I could be there for her, but maybe I'm not what she needs.

I just...well I just miss her.

=/ Nothing I can fix on my own though.

Me & Ry are very good.

I love the kid with all my heart.

Can't wait to start remodeling or fixing our house up soon!

I'm not sure what else to say.

I'm doing very well.

I'll update soon!

G'night.

Adjusting To The New.

So, This was my first full week of work.
It Sucked.
And it was amazing.
I love my kids.
But, they have some attitude problems.
Lol.
Anywho, I'm SoOOoo completely exhausted!
My feet are hurting so bad, I've cried for the past 2 days.
So, I'm asking myself--is it worth it?
If I do quit, what will Ryan think?
I can't begin to tell you how aggravated I am with myself and the diabetes curse.
I try hard to be good..check my blood sugar..count my carbs..take shots.
And I get nothing but shit on by my body.
I think I'm dying. lol.
My mom is making me a endocrinologist appointment Monday.
Something has got to change & soon.
I'm not sure what else I can do..
but this whole low to high, high to low, but NEVER right thing has got to stop.
It's taking it's toll on my mind && body.
Whatever.
No more complaining..it could always be worse.
Tomorrow I'm giving myself a "me day."
Doing whatever tickles my fancy.
Whether that means shopping or sleeping all day.
I think I deserve one. =)
I can't wait for school to start.
I'm nervous too though..for some unknown reason.
Just because I'll have a lot on my plate.
For some reason I feel like I'm distancing myself from everyone here lately.
Well, those that I normally spill my guts to.

I normally do not open up to Ryan..

I'm not sure why, I just don't.

But, lately I've been expressing myself to him more.
I'm not sure what the deal is, with me or with anyone.
I guess I'm just trying to be more independent....
Or all my relationships have taken a turn..
Who knows.
That's all I got for now.
I'll Update Soon!
G'night All!