Let's See...

I start Paul Mitchell school on Monday. I'm NERVOUS!! I'm still needing black clothes. It's HARD to find pants that fit me. My waist is 27 inches, and my butt is 41 inches around. You see my problem here? lol. If they fit my big ol bum, they are too big on my waist and way too long. Eh, oh well, I shouldn't complain anymore. It's just annoying. That's why I love dresses! They don't make me feel deformed! I can't wait til warm weather so I can rock the dresses again!
Last night Ryan came home from work early. Around 4. That was nice. We went to Kenwood mall to turn in all my applications. The manager at Teavana (a store of nothing but tea!) said she would call me in a week. I'm stoked. I love that place! The manager at Forever 21 said she would call me too. I'd rather work at Teavana though honestly. lol. I'm also applying to the magazing "Natural Living". I'd like a job there. I love to read the mag, so I'm sure working for it would just as cool.

Blood sugars still good. I'm proud. My husband is PROUD! Woo hoo. It ws 77 this morning! And I still feel very good.

Until Next Time...

SUCK IT!!!

I will do what I want. When I want. I have a mother. I don't need ANY more. Worry about YOU, and I'll worry about ME!!! That goes to all my haters who try to bring me down. You just give me that much more fuel to add to my fire.
NKU has taken $5,000 of my financial aid money when I cancelled everything for this semester!!! So now I'm gonna have to pay that back and FOR NOTHING. I got nothing from it!! I'm furious!!! WTF?! Can they even legally do that? I cancelled my disbursements. They said I didn't. I have e-mails. I don't have call logs though. I wish I could get those. I even called my lenders and canceled through them. How in the hell did this happen!? I'm livid.

It feels like I take 10 steps forward to take 6 leaps backward!! Ugh. Life sucks. But, I'm rolling with it's punches. I hope I can get this straightened out with NKU. Or they can hand me 5K and I'll buy something pretty with it!! If I'm going to pay it back, I want to use it!

Oh well. Enough of the bad. Good news: I start Paul Mitchell on Monday. Gotta be there @ 8:45 am! I am really nervous. I know I'm good at academia, but this is something totally different. I'm also glad to see that it is pissing some people off. I mean, seriously? They get mad over what I do in MY life? C'mon! Grow a pair! The funny thing is I'll be happier than them one day, hell I already am. Ugh. People make me sick. I'm very excited and VERY nervous for Monday. I'll update about it right away! =)

Blood sugars are still awesome. Ryan and I have decided that after a full month of control, I am going to temp and chart. I'm hoping for the best, preparing for the worst with that situation. I feel awesome. Today I kinda hurt all over, but still, nothing to complain about.

Until Next Time...

JOB HUNTING!!

Sucks. Sucks. SUCKS. Melinda and I went to Kenwood Mall today for HOURS. I got a folder full of apps to fill out and take back on Thursday after my closing at school. I want to go to Tri County and do the same sometime this week. The more I put in the better the chances right? Pray for me. I need monies. lol.

Diabetes Progress Report: Other than my high of 300 something again this morning, my blood sugars have stayed under 130 today. YAY!

That's all I have. Short & sweet update.
Until Next Time...

Great, But Sad Weekend.

Jesse and Alexis Neal. Our dear, dear friends. Jesse is a Corporal in the United States Marine Corps. He leaves today to head to California for training until April. He will be back for one week, then to Afghanistan he goes! We spent the entire day with them yesterday. Leaving our house a little after noon, and getting home after 10pm. Saying goodbye to Jesse was the hardest thing ever! The man is 6'7'' so I, at 5'2'' jump to give him a hug! lol. He picked me up and danced-walked with me! =( It was so sad. I can't imagine when he leaves for his 8 month tour. Ryan and I plan to write him at least twice a week. He has no family, except for Alexis. So now that Jesse-Mitten as we call him, is gone, now I have Alexis to deal with. That wasn't a complaint by any means! I just don't know how she will react. We are here for her full force. I hope that she will be ok, I know she will, but, I'm still a little scared. Yesterday was blissful though! I'm glad we got to spend quality time with him before he goes! I'm so proud of him, and he looks AMAZING in his blues!! hahahahaha.

Diabetes control update (my new term, LOL): I've started taking Levemir twice a day. It wasn't working the full 24 hrs. I was waking up in the am with blood sugars above 300, and that was after going to sleep at 120. After correcting the high in the morning, and then taking the Levemir I felt amazing. So I've switched it to taking 12 units in the am, and 6 in the pm. So far so good. This is only day 2 though. I hope it works out. I'm still keeping my head up. I'm so thankful to have this new outlook on life. I feel AMAZING!! I forgot life could be this good.

I Will Vent, Because It's MY Blog!!

So, have you ever questioned parenting? Who who gets to be parents and who does not? How does that decision get determined? WHO determines that??? I know this is going to sound SO selfish, but in reality I'm not even talking about ME in particular. I know MANY, MANY awesome people who are or would be fantastic parents. They are TTC, and some have miscarried time and time again, it's a painful process. It takes a mental head trip on you. But, then to see people who can blame their twins on a "tumor", drink alcohol their entire pregnancy, keep it from the dad, and say she was giving them up for adoption. DO NOT PLAN OR CARE FOR THESE BABIES!!!! Then, have one, decide to keep them, and call the father 4 days later so he can see them. UGH. Why in the HELL do people like that get pregnant?! WHY?!? I don't understand it. A friend recently had her 2nd miscarriage. Idk what to say to people when that happens. I could imagine it would be very hard. =( I've been off of birth control for 26 months now. No babies. No anything. That's hard enough. I can't imagine conceiving and losing. For everyone who is TTC, miscarried, or has been through the grueling process of TTC for any amount of time--I'm sorry. I feel for you. My heart aches for you. I wish you the best. I hate that the wrong people get to experience something that they will probably never cherish. At the same time, I hope it changes those people, for the better. I'll remain optimistic about the entire thing. But, it still baffles me to the extreme.

Next point: day 2 of switching Levemir to a daytime dose. I took my full dose of 15 at 9:30 this a.m. I feel wonderful! I hope it continues this way! I've been working very hard at this. I hope to reap every reward I can from it. I've been in denial for so long. I'm not any more. I am diabetic, and I know I need to take care of myself. Next week I add exercise to my life turn around. One step at a time!

Until Next Time!

Change In Routine.

And it sucks! I take Levemir, which is a long acting (24 hr) insulin. I usually take 15 units at night before bed. I am supposed to take it religiously at the same time every night, so with gettin' myself together I have been taking it at 10 pm every night. I even set an alarm to make sure I took it on time. While taking it at 10 pm I would wake up every morning between 4-6 am with a low blood sugar. Most usually around 6. The say it has no peak, but obviously there is a damn peak, I'm getting a low at the same time. I have been checking my blood sugar before going to bed as well, it's been around 130 to go to sleep. I played with the numbers of Levemir which would end up with HIGHS all day. So that didn't help either! The night is my biggest problem, and it always has been. I always seem to get low during the night, and we all know that usually results in passing out for me. I was told NOT to take Levemir in the day time. But, because I am grown, I'm going to. Today was the big switch. I knew it was going to suck so bad. Last night at 10 pm I took 8 units. This morning at 10 am I took 8 units. Tomorrow morning at 10 am I will take 15 units. Then I'll work my way up to taking it around 7 am, because I'll always be up for school at that time. But, the switch is hard. I'm tired, my blood sugars are high. I haven't ate much today. I knew it would be hard, but still, gah it sucks. I hope switching to a day time dose will be better so that way it peaks when I'm awake and can feel getting low.

Other non diabetic news: Ryan has been working his ass off lately. 65 hours last week. BOO!!! But, I also must say, thanks babe! For working hard for me! Shoe Sensation is begging me to come back. With no luck finding another job, it's looking like I'll go. Damn. That place has a DEATH grip on me! It just won't let me go! lol. Oh well, I won't be working that much due to my 40hrs a week at school starting March 1st. The ONE person I had a problem with there, is getting "looked at". She really is a brutal boss. Funny thing is, she's only 18. She's definitely on a power trip. Had it not been for losing my job, I totally would have showed her how us, Brown Countians, do things! LOL. But, I didn't break out my fists. Which shows that I am much, much more mature than her. I thought about it, but hey, I didn't ACT on it! lol. Let's hope I get someone who calls for a different place to work. That'd be nice!! Anyone know a way to lose 10lbs fast?! Nothing TOO unhealthy. lol.

I'll end with some photography shots I've taken! Just for fun!


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The above 2 are the beautiful Tiphaney Lee Nykole Leath!


Mady, Daughter of Steve & Jennifer Lucas.


Peyton Tanner McAlister, Son of JD & Amber McAlister


I think that's all for now.
Until Next Time...

14 Year Vet.

Yep, as of Sunday, February 14th 2010 I am a strong 14-year veteran of diabetes. I usually post something on that day, but I didn't have much to say. It is what it is right? I hate that day. I always have, and I always will. Ryan and I do not celebrate it. We don't even say "Happy Valentine's Day" to each other. I like it that way. I get presents from my parents though? I guess to sugar coat the day a itty bit? Idk. This year I got $130 check to cover my Paul Mitchell admission fee, fleece pj pants with hearts, a beret, and a black shirt for school. Yep, spoiled rotten. Ry took me out to lunch at Long Horn, and then we came home and I cleaned my house like a mad woman. Then friends came over @ 5pm for family night. I am glad I got to spend the day I hate the most, with the people I love the most. So in all, it wasn't that bad. 14 years down, many more to go.
Update, I have been checking my blood sugar regularly. I have not been logging it. I HATE my log book. It's the stupidest book ever! I'm going to make my own log sheets. I should do that right after this... Good thing is that now @ 150, I feel HIGH. And under 75 I feel low. So, I am getting my body back on the right track. Wow. I am very proud of that.

I'm trying to diet and exercise because I've set up a photo shoot with Chris Yarger, of Driven Photography Company to do some proofs that I MAY submit to the Suicide Girls. Idk if I've already wrote about this, probably. I was supposed to do it on Sunday, but I just didn't feel up to it that day. You know. But, I'm very excited about it. GO SG. I wanna lose 10 pounds. And get into excellent shape. Then I'll be happy. I got some pretty cool self portraits the other day, I posted these for your viewing pleasure. lol. ;)





Other than that,I have nada to say right now.
Until next time...

Gettin' It Together.

Since figuring out "what I want to be when I grow up", and enrolling in Paul Mitchell Hair Academy, I've had a lot on my mind. First off, how and the hell am I going to stand ALL day? My feet hurt to walk around the grocery store! I do not want my diabetes, or it's complications taking something that I love, and turning it into something that I hate.
So, I've searched the Internet, the library, and my mind to come to a conclusion: be better at managing what I need to. I need to do it for myself. I need to do it for my family. I need to do it for my future. I need to do it for my friends. I need to do it for MYSELF. I've consulted my family and the people that mean the most to me, and was reassured that I would have all the support I need to get this job done. You see, every since my mom stopped taking care of me, I have not taken care of myself. She stopped measuring out my food, planning my diet, giving me my shots, and all that when I was about 12 or 13. Since that age I've run amuck, doing as I please. Basically living in denial. I've tried to straighten myself up before, without success. I think the reason I failed was because I had nothing to give me that extra push. Now, I do. I have more than enough to give me that extra shove! I finally am able to envision my life 5 years from now. I know what I want to be doing. I know what I will be doing. I know that if I don't get my shit together now, I won't be doing what I see. That is the motivation I've always needed. I said diabetes will never stop me. It will if I don't re-learn to manage it. I'm not stupid, but I am very stubborn. I've fought with that side of me for many years. I'm becoming more open minded. I'm reading every piece of literature that I can to learn more and re-teach myself about what I'm living with.
I also have my mom to count on now. We're doing this together. She has a WHOLE new understanding of diabetes, now that she's living with it! I hate it for her, but it's also nice to have someone already so close to talk to.
So, whole new look to the blog. I'll be using it to help me learn to live again. I checked my blood sugars regularly, and logged them today. I haven't done that, I've actually NEVER done that. My mom used to for me, but I've never done it for myself. Until today that is.
I woke up at 129, and stayed relatively steady all day. Almost through day one, and I'm doing ok! I know I should be around 75 in my numbers, but that feels low to me. So my goal for the next couple of months is to be from 85-120. I think that is an acceptable range considering I haven't even had a range in 8 years or so. I have one year in Paul Mitchell Academy starting March 1st. I think that is an attainable goal to learn to live with diabetes, and get myself healthier. I'll graduate from there, and have a new lease on life. My hope is to be healthy enough to work and ENJOY life.
I hope to have all of your support, I'll need it. Thanks so much for everything you all do for me. I appreciate it sincerely.

The Comparison

The comparison...
Something I haven't really let cross my mind lately. As I sat here about to blog, I had to hear it. My dad is on the phone with an old friend. He is talking about his children (us, me whatev.) Yep, the comparison of me and my sister, Melisha. You all may not know my sister, but I will try to explain a little about her, if I can. We can't relate to each other at all really, so I'm sure it's going to be hard. First, she is an accountant for International Paper. She's been with them for many years. She is 31, yep 10 years older than I. She is the complete opposite of me, in every way. She is a business-brained person. Her job is to crunch numbers all day, and she claims she enjoys it very much. She is on the fast track to becoming an CEO of IP. So, of course my parents rave about her. I'm sure it does feel awesome to have a daughter doing so well. But, for my brother and I, who love to live life, and not necessarily WORK it away, we feel left out sometimes. I can't really speak for him, but I do know my brother is one of the smartest people I know, yet he rarely gets credit. I give him credit though! The man is a genius! He could do anything he wants to! I'm fine with the fact that he builds stages and does lighting and all that jazz, he loves it! So, I'm in full support of him. He supports his family and loves his job! Go Jame!
Back to my sister! She is doing well for herself, but she's had my family's support. She claims to have done it ALL by herself, but I don't believe that to be true. We won't get into that. I don't want to give you the wrong impression. She has moved 4 times all over the country to gain higher positions in her company. She has her MBA, which deserves a standing ovation! She is about 5'5, maybe 108 pounds, blond hair, small features. The exact opposite of me. We do have the same color eyes though! We get them from our dad! lol.
I've always had to try to live up to her. I've had so much pressure put on me. When I was younger nothing I did was first, I heard "Melisha did that". I've lived in her shadow for 20 years. Last year, I stopped, I do what I want now. It's liberating! So liberating! Needless to say my resent drop out from NKU, and enrollment to Paul Mitchell Hair Academy, upset her. Probably upset a lot of my family.
I am liberated of her. And until today, when my dad was on the phone, and had more to say about her than me, was I reminded of her shadow. Apparently the person on the other end, also wanted to know more about my sister than I. I mean which sounds better: someone on the fast track to being a big shot in a huge company, or a girl who thinks of herself as an artist and is going hair school! I don't blame him one bit.
I am glad I decided to live for me though. I am smart. I can get into any college I wish to, I could be anything I want to. I WANT to be an artist. I want to do photography, draw, paint, instruct yoga, live and teach holistic healing, and do hair. That is me. That is who I am, and who I want to be. But, I wish people realized not only my artistic flare, but my intelligence. My sister thinks of me as foolish. I think she is foolish in her own way as well. She lives in her office, and her children care for themselves. THAT to me is foolish. I want to be free in my life. When Ryan and I have our own children, I will be able to bend my schedule to fit them. I may not ever make as much paper as her, BUT I will be rich. Rich in happiness.
I am myself, I can see that my parents are proud of my sister, my brother, and myself; all for very different reasons. I think that my parents are proud of me for not conforming. I am me, and stand true to that every day. That's all I can do, and if that's not enough for some people, then nothing will be.
The comparison doesn't have any affect on me anymore. I am not my sister. I will not be my sister. Our intelligence is not equal, because we are intelligent in two different ways. I respect her for everything that she is, and wants to be. I hope that she can get to a point like that with me. Until then I can only love her.

From Good To Bad...

Story of my life.

GOOD:
This morning was awesome, despite the snow. Melinda allowed me to go with her to get her ultrasound! Baby boy! I was so wrong! Lol. It was an amazing experience. One that I will never forget. I'm so thankful I was able to be there!

BAD:
I'm sick of people. I'm sick of diabetes. I'm sick of people being so insensitive about it. Not that I want you to pine over me, and act like I'm made of glass. NO! I just want you to understand, or try to understand that, yes, I am different. Yes, I do have a little more to deal with than just everyday sort of problems. I'm sick of the two facedness I feel I see all the time. "Oh I feel so bad for her." "Awe, she has it so tough" and then those same fucking people turn around to say things like "she never does anything" "she totally takes advantage of her diabetes" "must be nice to not work, and think you have an excuse." Hm. Right. I have never once in my life wished my situation on anyone until tonight. There are a handful of people that I would love to walk my shoes for one day. ONE DAY. They couldn't take it. The pain in my hands and feet from neuropathy, the constant battles with kidney infections, the kidney damage, the ups and downs of bloog sugar levels that leave you feeling like pure shit, the passing out that leaves you feeling like you've been hit by a Mack truck a few times, the weariness that comes from doing normal day-to-day things. I wish they could feel it, just for even a few minutes. Maybe then I wouldn't get labeled. I'm not a bad person. I don't take advantage of anything. I'm honestly glad that it's me that deals with all this shit, no one else I know could. But, for those who criticize, and those who run their mouth without any knowlege of my life, well, for those I feel sorry. No more feeling guilty about being me. I'm done with it. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not asking for that. I just needed to get that out. People suck!
And more on diabetes, my mom was diagnosed with type 2 on November 7th 2009. Today, she started insulin. Idk why but I am devastated. I sit here now with tears welling up in my eyes, because I feel for her. The worst is her saying "I'm sorry for all those times I said 'If my life depended on it I would eat better', it's hard. I'm so sorry." It is hard. Too hard. And I don't want her to have to deal with it!!! I'd take it from her and double it up on myself if I could. I wonder if this is how she feels about me?

Today sucks. Diabetes, YOU SUCK.

Peace & Love

Ohhhhh, interesting point!

I'm sick of snow. I'm sick of hearing about snow. I'm sick of the color white. I'm sick of the cold. I'm sick of the wind. I want to look out my window and see pretty color flowers, leaves on trees, buds & bees. Please leave winter, please make your entrance spring!

Next topic. So, I suck at drawing but lately it's all I want to do. So I do it. It may not be too pretty, but it lets me release some creative energy that I need out! You know what I can not do? WRITE!! Or take photos. I have no desire to even look at my camera. I've tried to write, I get nothing. I hate that. For Paul Mitchell Academy I need to write 200 words about myself. HAH. I can't form a single sentence. I searched my writer's blog, but couldn't find anything I could use. Eh, I guess it will come. I just wish I never experienced these "blocks" in my creativity! I think it's normal, but that doesn't mean it doesn't stress me out. I did buy a new charcoal drawing yesterday. I'm in love with it. Ryan likes it, but says it wasn't "what he thought it was going to be". Oh well I thought I was going to have to pay $500, and I got it for $100. So I was THRILLED to say the least. It's a cabbage patch looking doll, with his throat cut. Behind him is a really sad story. I need to post pics huh? lol I will at some point. Today, I plan on making another piece for Melinda entitled "She talks to angels" because that song reminds me so much of her. ;)

Speaking of Melinda! We have started a new tradition--family night! We get together once a week for good food, games, and movies! It was so fun last Sunday! I've been looking forward to it all week! Tomorrow is the big day again! Ryan thinks it's a blast too. To keep friends close, we must make an effort to not lose each other. I think this is our effort. Thus far I think it's bringing us all much closer!

February 14th--VALENTINE'S DAY. I hate it. I always have. I like to ignore the day. It was the day in 1996 that I was diagnosed with diabetes. BITE ME V DAY!! Any who, this year is no different. I will not be getting any valentine's present, EXCEPT for this uber cool new machine that I want, and Ryan insists on getting. It's a watch looking thing that tracks your blood sugar at night. If it dips too low (which is a regular occurrence for me) it vibrates and lights up and beeps in order to wake you up! Therefore, hopefully no more passing out! That's my v-day gift. Cool by me. At least Ryan won't be constantly waking me up at night making me check my blood sugar! Technology can be great sometimes, eh? Other than my nifty new gadget to keep me from passing out, we will be celebrating Valentine's Day with our pals for family night! FOOD, GAMES, MOVIES, AND MEMORIES! Yay! For making me feel human, and not "diabetic". It will be 14 years this year. I can't remember life before it. I like it that way. Next year, the big 15, I will start my rib piece, that has everything to do with diabetes. I'm stoked. I was going to start it this year, but figured I should wait til the big 1-5. Enough of this stuff...

Lastly, I would like to say CONGRATULATIONS to Alexis Neal for passing her state boards for nursing yesterday! We celebrated with binge eating Chinese food & shopping! She is having a hard time right now, her husband is due to leave for Afghanistan soon. His 3rd tour? Please pray for her. I'm sure she'd love to hear of people keeping them in their thoughts & prayers. They are very good people. Ryan and I love them dearly!

Oh yeah--food for thought: If we evolved from monkeys. WHY ARE THERE STILL MONKEYS?!?! All kinds of them?! and apes? I'm confused. Why wouldn't we all just become human? It makes no sense to me. If you can shed light on this, please feel free. Otherwise I'm convinced I, nor my ancestors, evolved from a damn ape.

That's all I have for now, peace & love everyone.