The Comparison

The comparison...
Something I haven't really let cross my mind lately. As I sat here about to blog, I had to hear it. My dad is on the phone with an old friend. He is talking about his children (us, me whatev.) Yep, the comparison of me and my sister, Melisha. You all may not know my sister, but I will try to explain a little about her, if I can. We can't relate to each other at all really, so I'm sure it's going to be hard. First, she is an accountant for International Paper. She's been with them for many years. She is 31, yep 10 years older than I. She is the complete opposite of me, in every way. She is a business-brained person. Her job is to crunch numbers all day, and she claims she enjoys it very much. She is on the fast track to becoming an CEO of IP. So, of course my parents rave about her. I'm sure it does feel awesome to have a daughter doing so well. But, for my brother and I, who love to live life, and not necessarily WORK it away, we feel left out sometimes. I can't really speak for him, but I do know my brother is one of the smartest people I know, yet he rarely gets credit. I give him credit though! The man is a genius! He could do anything he wants to! I'm fine with the fact that he builds stages and does lighting and all that jazz, he loves it! So, I'm in full support of him. He supports his family and loves his job! Go Jame!
Back to my sister! She is doing well for herself, but she's had my family's support. She claims to have done it ALL by herself, but I don't believe that to be true. We won't get into that. I don't want to give you the wrong impression. She has moved 4 times all over the country to gain higher positions in her company. She has her MBA, which deserves a standing ovation! She is about 5'5, maybe 108 pounds, blond hair, small features. The exact opposite of me. We do have the same color eyes though! We get them from our dad! lol.
I've always had to try to live up to her. I've had so much pressure put on me. When I was younger nothing I did was first, I heard "Melisha did that". I've lived in her shadow for 20 years. Last year, I stopped, I do what I want now. It's liberating! So liberating! Needless to say my resent drop out from NKU, and enrollment to Paul Mitchell Hair Academy, upset her. Probably upset a lot of my family.
I am liberated of her. And until today, when my dad was on the phone, and had more to say about her than me, was I reminded of her shadow. Apparently the person on the other end, also wanted to know more about my sister than I. I mean which sounds better: someone on the fast track to being a big shot in a huge company, or a girl who thinks of herself as an artist and is going hair school! I don't blame him one bit.
I am glad I decided to live for me though. I am smart. I can get into any college I wish to, I could be anything I want to. I WANT to be an artist. I want to do photography, draw, paint, instruct yoga, live and teach holistic healing, and do hair. That is me. That is who I am, and who I want to be. But, I wish people realized not only my artistic flare, but my intelligence. My sister thinks of me as foolish. I think she is foolish in her own way as well. She lives in her office, and her children care for themselves. THAT to me is foolish. I want to be free in my life. When Ryan and I have our own children, I will be able to bend my schedule to fit them. I may not ever make as much paper as her, BUT I will be rich. Rich in happiness.
I am myself, I can see that my parents are proud of my sister, my brother, and myself; all for very different reasons. I think that my parents are proud of me for not conforming. I am me, and stand true to that every day. That's all I can do, and if that's not enough for some people, then nothing will be.
The comparison doesn't have any affect on me anymore. I am not my sister. I will not be my sister. Our intelligence is not equal, because we are intelligent in two different ways. I respect her for everything that she is, and wants to be. I hope that she can get to a point like that with me. Until then I can only love her.

From Good To Bad...

Story of my life.

GOOD:
This morning was awesome, despite the snow. Melinda allowed me to go with her to get her ultrasound! Baby boy! I was so wrong! Lol. It was an amazing experience. One that I will never forget. I'm so thankful I was able to be there!

BAD:
I'm sick of people. I'm sick of diabetes. I'm sick of people being so insensitive about it. Not that I want you to pine over me, and act like I'm made of glass. NO! I just want you to understand, or try to understand that, yes, I am different. Yes, I do have a little more to deal with than just everyday sort of problems. I'm sick of the two facedness I feel I see all the time. "Oh I feel so bad for her." "Awe, she has it so tough" and then those same fucking people turn around to say things like "she never does anything" "she totally takes advantage of her diabetes" "must be nice to not work, and think you have an excuse." Hm. Right. I have never once in my life wished my situation on anyone until tonight. There are a handful of people that I would love to walk my shoes for one day. ONE DAY. They couldn't take it. The pain in my hands and feet from neuropathy, the constant battles with kidney infections, the kidney damage, the ups and downs of bloog sugar levels that leave you feeling like pure shit, the passing out that leaves you feeling like you've been hit by a Mack truck a few times, the weariness that comes from doing normal day-to-day things. I wish they could feel it, just for even a few minutes. Maybe then I wouldn't get labeled. I'm not a bad person. I don't take advantage of anything. I'm honestly glad that it's me that deals with all this shit, no one else I know could. But, for those who criticize, and those who run their mouth without any knowlege of my life, well, for those I feel sorry. No more feeling guilty about being me. I'm done with it. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not asking for that. I just needed to get that out. People suck!
And more on diabetes, my mom was diagnosed with type 2 on November 7th 2009. Today, she started insulin. Idk why but I am devastated. I sit here now with tears welling up in my eyes, because I feel for her. The worst is her saying "I'm sorry for all those times I said 'If my life depended on it I would eat better', it's hard. I'm so sorry." It is hard. Too hard. And I don't want her to have to deal with it!!! I'd take it from her and double it up on myself if I could. I wonder if this is how she feels about me?

Today sucks. Diabetes, YOU SUCK.

Peace & Love

Ohhhhh, interesting point!

I'm sick of snow. I'm sick of hearing about snow. I'm sick of the color white. I'm sick of the cold. I'm sick of the wind. I want to look out my window and see pretty color flowers, leaves on trees, buds & bees. Please leave winter, please make your entrance spring!

Next topic. So, I suck at drawing but lately it's all I want to do. So I do it. It may not be too pretty, but it lets me release some creative energy that I need out! You know what I can not do? WRITE!! Or take photos. I have no desire to even look at my camera. I've tried to write, I get nothing. I hate that. For Paul Mitchell Academy I need to write 200 words about myself. HAH. I can't form a single sentence. I searched my writer's blog, but couldn't find anything I could use. Eh, I guess it will come. I just wish I never experienced these "blocks" in my creativity! I think it's normal, but that doesn't mean it doesn't stress me out. I did buy a new charcoal drawing yesterday. I'm in love with it. Ryan likes it, but says it wasn't "what he thought it was going to be". Oh well I thought I was going to have to pay $500, and I got it for $100. So I was THRILLED to say the least. It's a cabbage patch looking doll, with his throat cut. Behind him is a really sad story. I need to post pics huh? lol I will at some point. Today, I plan on making another piece for Melinda entitled "She talks to angels" because that song reminds me so much of her. ;)

Speaking of Melinda! We have started a new tradition--family night! We get together once a week for good food, games, and movies! It was so fun last Sunday! I've been looking forward to it all week! Tomorrow is the big day again! Ryan thinks it's a blast too. To keep friends close, we must make an effort to not lose each other. I think this is our effort. Thus far I think it's bringing us all much closer!

February 14th--VALENTINE'S DAY. I hate it. I always have. I like to ignore the day. It was the day in 1996 that I was diagnosed with diabetes. BITE ME V DAY!! Any who, this year is no different. I will not be getting any valentine's present, EXCEPT for this uber cool new machine that I want, and Ryan insists on getting. It's a watch looking thing that tracks your blood sugar at night. If it dips too low (which is a regular occurrence for me) it vibrates and lights up and beeps in order to wake you up! Therefore, hopefully no more passing out! That's my v-day gift. Cool by me. At least Ryan won't be constantly waking me up at night making me check my blood sugar! Technology can be great sometimes, eh? Other than my nifty new gadget to keep me from passing out, we will be celebrating Valentine's Day with our pals for family night! FOOD, GAMES, MOVIES, AND MEMORIES! Yay! For making me feel human, and not "diabetic". It will be 14 years this year. I can't remember life before it. I like it that way. Next year, the big 15, I will start my rib piece, that has everything to do with diabetes. I'm stoked. I was going to start it this year, but figured I should wait til the big 1-5. Enough of this stuff...

Lastly, I would like to say CONGRATULATIONS to Alexis Neal for passing her state boards for nursing yesterday! We celebrated with binge eating Chinese food & shopping! She is having a hard time right now, her husband is due to leave for Afghanistan soon. His 3rd tour? Please pray for her. I'm sure she'd love to hear of people keeping them in their thoughts & prayers. They are very good people. Ryan and I love them dearly!

Oh yeah--food for thought: If we evolved from monkeys. WHY ARE THERE STILL MONKEYS?!?! All kinds of them?! and apes? I'm confused. Why wouldn't we all just become human? It makes no sense to me. If you can shed light on this, please feel free. Otherwise I'm convinced I, nor my ancestors, evolved from a damn ape.

That's all I have for now, peace & love everyone.

Ok, so...

I am officially done with "college" for now anyways. My mom and I went to Paul Mitchell Hair Academy on Wednesday, and I think I fell in love. My mom said, "I've never seen you look so happy or comfortable, or atleast in a while." So there you have it. I start March 1. After 6 weeks of extensive training classes, this lady will be on the floor, cutting and coloring hair @ the Paul Mitchell school/salon. Of course I'll have 12 months to go after that. But, still I am beyond exited!! So, to you that read my random blogs, about May, you can call me your hair stylist!! =) I've already planned make overs for a few people in my life. On the house! lol.

Ryan is still trying to decided between marines and fire academy. He finally told his family, and the reacted fairly well, or atleast most of them. So, now I don't have to hide the horror I'm feeling about my husbands wanting to leave me and possibly go to war! I'm in full support of whatever he wishes to do though!

That's all. We are working on finding our places in society. I think I've found mine, and it was the best high ever. I hope my husband feels the same relieve I did when he figures out what he wants to do. Until then, he has all my support and love.

Peace && Love.

What I Love About You

I love my husband. Almost a year that we've been married (320 days exactly), and I love him more each day. I know this because from the time I wake up everyday, and he's gone, I count down until he comes home. Usually impatiently! When people look at my boo, or those who don't know him well usually can't get past his harsh front. Yep, it's all a front. He's a pretty big teddy bear, when he wants to be! But honestly, if you don't know him well you probably have this impression of him: he is a redneck, racist, deisel mechanic, that enjoys rock and roll because it's in his blood, and country because they sing "songs about him", that he's tough and macho. Well, you could be somewhat right! but there's so much more that he keeps the world from knowing. I bet a man, whom he's been friends with since he was born doesn't know much more than what I previously stated. I think he picks and chooses who he shows all of himself too. It's probably easier for him that way, so then he can remain the tough guy, you won't mess with! But, anyways here are some reasons why I can't get enough of my badass husband:
1). Every time he comes home and I'm not in the kitchen, he asks our dogs "Where's mama?" And then when he locates me in the house, its always an instant smile and "Hey little lady, whatcha doin?"
2). When we are going to sleep, I always get a good night kiss and he says "Good night love"
3). When I do something dramatic like idk, shave my head! He looks at me as if I'm the prettiest woman he's ever seen!
4). He got a tattoo of a pinup girl and insisted on changing her features so she looked more like me! He even took off her heels and put chucks on her!
5). He can easily lay around and read a book for hours on end. I find him absolutely irrisistable when his nose is buried in a book!
6). He considers our 2 dogs, Case and Carter, his babies, or more his sons!
7). Every little girl steals and melts his heart.
8). He'd make the best dad ever, and that is one of his goals in life.
9). He wants nothing more than to "take care of me" even though I'm probably the biggest pain in his butt that he knows!
10). He brags to everyone about my awesome ballet moves.
11). He acts tough, but only Dara Jo and I know how he is such a baby when getting tattooed.
12). He wants to serve our country, because he says he's not afraid to die for what our country has, and he knows it would better our life, and everyone else's that he knows.
13). He has an amazing voice and he's always singing and humming!
14). He stands in the shower for long periods of time, which I take full advantage of and talk his ear off. I sometimes think he does it just to listen to me.
15). He loves classical music.
16). He loves art.
17). He loves my art.
18). He secretly reads everything I write!
19). He's the most stubborn person ever.
20). He takes good care of his family.
21). He cried while I was walking down the aisle at at our wedding.
22). He is one hell of a friend.
23). He tells everyone he doesn't hunt because it's too cold, when honestly it's because he says he couldn't kill any animal besides a spider.
24). He loves Hank 3 but doesn't agree with what he sings about, he says he just has an awesome style.
25). He puts up with me everyday, and says he wouldn't have it any other way.


Basically, he's a cultured country man. He's very into the arts, even though he doesn't talk about them much. I like to say he can hang where ever. I love him as big as the sky. I could go on about him for ever. I hope this little tid bit of info makes you see how complex my husband is. He likes to say he's a simple man, but thats just one of his many fronts. He's a good man. I'm lucky beyond what I deserve.

I have faith.

So, a friend and I were talking about God today. Well, more so people that preach to everyone about God, and how we should live, think, act, talk, dress...etc. They preach it and 2 seconds later turn around and do the exact opposite of what the hell they were just screaming! Why? Why must certain people scream from the roof tops about their beliefs and/or religion, and make us try and feel bad, and then do exactly what they told us NOT to? It doesn't make any sense to me.
Anywho, most people have no clue what I believe in. Am I Christian? I'm not sure. I can't label it, or myself. All that I need people to know is that I strongly believe in God. I do not believe is here to take care of me. I think he put me here to make my own way. He gave me all the things I need to make my life, productive and prosperous. He is there when I need him, but never holding my hand, or helping me take steps. I am his child, and like all parents he wants me to do right, become independent, and make a life for myself. So, yes I believe all children go to Heaven (and yes I believe in Heaven!). All children go because they have yet to learn everything needed to do right.
I believe we all worship the same God. We may call him different things, we may worship in totally different ways, but he is one in the same. Across the board, there is a language barrier among foreigners right? We refer to the same object, as different things, or with different names. That leads me to believe in ONE God, and ONE God only.
I do not believe in the devil. Show me where in the Bible, you see someone named, "The Devil". So, don't bring that BS to me about "the devil made me do it." No, your own weakness made you do it. I believe we should take our actions and stand behind them. Would God really want you to place blame? hah. NO. And secondly, the Bible was written by a HUMAN. Therefore, there is a massive amount of judgement and biased information in it. It wasn't written by God or Jesus themselves. No, it was written by people who supposedly knew Jesus, or knew people who knew Jesus. So, let's recall the game, telephone, you know where you sit in a circle and whisper the same phrase, and when it gets back to the first person, it's completely and totally different than when they started it? Yeah, I think of a person writing the Bible, like I do the game telephone! I can tell a story to a friend, and by the time it reaches back to me, it's never the same. Details are left out, some put in. I'm not one to read nor follow the Bible religiously. I merely take the information in as if it were food for thought.
I believe in my own way of worshiping God. I treat people as I want to be treated, I try to do good, I do not litter, I take care of his Earth. You see it's the small things I do to let God know I am making him proud, I am independent, I am growing, just as I do my own biological parents. I'm not sure, this is all too much to put in ONE blog.
I'll leave it at this, I believe what I believe. I've taken a long time to get to know myself and my beliefs. I do not regurgitate what someone has told me. I figured it out for myself. I could go on, but if you want to know more about my beliefs,ask I'll share! I'm sure you can find holes in them, but I can find holes in your belief system too! That's what it's called FAITH. There is no right or wrong. You just have to have faith. When asked what do I believe in? I simply answer "I have faith". If intrigued enough the other person will ask all the questions they want, and I will honestly answer.
Until next time, Peace & Love.

It's coooold.

I JUST POSTED THE LONGEST BLOG EVER AND BLOGGER F'ED IT UP. I REFUSE TO WRITE IT AGAIN. BUT KNOW THAT I AM ONE PISSED OFF BIATCH. SCREW YOU BLOGGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!