It's coooold.

I JUST POSTED THE LONGEST BLOG EVER AND BLOGGER F'ED IT UP. I REFUSE TO WRITE IT AGAIN. BUT KNOW THAT I AM ONE PISSED OFF BIATCH. SCREW YOU BLOGGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hopeless, but not helpless.

So, Ryan has been sick for the last ummmm...6 days? Considering he is spoiled baby, you can only image how he acts when he is ill. Anyway, on to the point here... I did everything I can to make the man more comfortable: Zicam, Vitamin C, green tea, orange juice, gatorade, tissues WITH lotion, picked up his part of the daily chores, back massages, rubbed his head until he fell asleep, and waited beck & call. Yes! I did all that! I am one kick-ass wifey. ;) hah. I did all of this while still feeling completely helpless. What I've done/did didn't make him any better, or atleast not immediately anyway.
All of this helplessness made me wonder if that is how he feels about me? I mean, let's face the facts here, I am not the healthiest, most strapping 21-year-old around. 14+ years of diabetes has taken it's toll on my body for sure. I am out of control, and I know this. I try to do what I can, but without medical insurance, and a team of physicians on my side, I fail at diabetes. I honestly have not seen an endocrinologist in over 7 years. I should be going to see one once every 3 months. I guess you can say I've missed out on a lot, to say the least. Ugh..back on topic....
So, I wonder if Ryan feels helpless to me? I asked him if he was prepared to watch me die? (I know depressing to most, but if you know me well enough, that shouldn't surprise you in the least.) His answer: "Yes, I watch it everyday." Is this fair? Not to me, to him. I wonder why he stayed so long? That's love right there ladies & gents! That's true love! "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you." --The Notebook.

When we were younger I told him my biggest fear-dieing alone...(I mean physicalling alone, with no one around). He reassured me that he would never let that happen since then, I am ok with dieing. My only problem is that people that I love have to witness it...slowly. I'm not sure which is worse? Feeling it, or watching it? But, I hope you don't feel helpless...none of you. Each one of you give me something to smile about, to prove, to strive for...you make everyday more comfortable.

I'm not giving up til the fat lady sings, and I've still got time to rip her damn vocal cords out! My current plan is to visit with a holistic healer, as soon as possible. I believe I'll get all the help I'll need from that--the natural way. Apparently, man-made, synthetic drugs do not work for me, as we all can see. Don't take me the wrong way, I'm still going to take my insulin & check my blood sugar. That's it. With that and whatever my healer reccommmends I'm well on my way to becoming healthier, for you & for me.

Peace && Love

Umm. Humm. De. Dummm.

Hm, so it's been a minute since I did this. I don't have much time, and when I do, I'd rather not blog. lol. Anyways, I'm still in pain 24/7, I just choose to ignore it. I miss having down time, and yet my life seems to be perfect at the same time. With all my crazy busy-ness well, I don't have time to think about how bad my feet hurt, or head, or kidneys, or whatever decided to fall apart on me that day. I'm working! OMG! Yes! I said it, I now have a J. O. B. And now I completely understand why my husband hates his life....HAHAHAHA HA jk.

I miss my sister and her family!!! I get to see them for Thanksgiving though.

We got a new house, all to ourselves again! Thank goodness! I can walk around clothes-less again!! ;) It's small, but quiant. I swear, we'll be popping out babies any time now, just because we have no where to put them...that's our kinda luck. lmao.

Ummm..I HATE NKU. I'm transferring in January.

I love and miss Dara Jo Allen more than words can express. :(

I have nothing else to say, but I do have lots of homework, so

PEACE OUT BITCHES!! haha.

UPDATE.

Let's see, why haven't I been on here? I'm really not sure. I've been in such a weird place in my life, and for once I didn't feel like writing about it. I tried just do the whole mental thing, and deal with it. That's got me NO WHERE. And, yet I still don't feel like writing about it, or talking about it. My life isn't bad, and I shouldn't complain as much as I do. So I won't.

Last time I was on here, I had the week from hell. My mom and sister I suppose you could say "made up". But, there is still tons of tension in my family. There's tons of tension in my life right now, and I wish it would just all go away!! My family is my everything, and now I feel like I have to walk on egg shells. My sister doesn't really speak to me any more. She doesn't speak to any of us any more. She was just on a weekend trip up here, and I didn't get to see her. I got to see her kids, which was great! But, not her. Idk what to do about that. It really wears on my heart though.

No job, and I think my husband is very irritated at the fact. I hurt so much anymore. THat's another part of my disoriented mind. OMG, I can't explain the pain. I wouldn't even know where to begin.But, I do have an interview on Monday at Portrait Avenue. If I get this job, I'll keep it, because I have to, no matter what the cost. No matter what I have to deal with. No matter what, I promise myself, because I have responsibilites that are above and beyond my selfishness.

So, Idk what else to write. Because I dont' want to complain any more, and sit here in self pity. So I'm off.

Peace out.

Gettin' It Off My Chest!!

Let's see, where to begin? Ok, let's start with, this has been a horrible week!
On Sunday my mom and sister got into a huuuuge fight. I hate when my family fights. It's horrible on me. So, basically no one is talking to anyone. Ah! But, I don't want to talk about that.
Well, my job at JCP Portraits is a bust. I'm so upset about it too. I really, really, really thought this was the job for me! But, what they do and what I do, is total opposite. And the worst part is, what I do, sells. I mean I've never had a customer upset with my work. Honestly, it's been the other way around, they rave about it. So, just to give you a hint of what I'm talking about, I did my own thing one day at work. The mom bought a HUGE package of base images...base meaning absoulutely NO enhancements. But, when I showed them to a manager, she wasn't happy. What? I just sold a whole package of them, but what? They aren't good enough. Another bad thing is that no one there has any clue about diabetes. I work usually from 9-3 with no lunch break. Well, let's rephrase that, NO break. at all. So a few times I've gotten a low blood sugar. Of course, that's going to happen because I haven't gotten to eat all day! But, it's always a problem, for them. "we're too busy", or the eyes roll. I can not help it, when I need to eat, I need to eat. End of story! She acts like I'm just lying about it or something. My hands & feet kill from standing all day, and from holding an 11 poound camera. I could go on and give you a million examples of why exactly I call it a a hell hole, but it won't do any good. Either you're on my side, or theirs.
So, this can bring me to my next thing to rant about. I went to a store, which shall remain annonymous. In this store works, a friend? If I should even say that. But, her mom was there too. From the moment we walked in there was NOTHING but attitude. Why? I have no clue. It was from both of them. I felt like my mom and I just walked on to the battle field, and the enemy was launching granades at us left and right. Anyways, she asked about my job, I said it wasn't going very well. Her MOM, of all people, started to talk about how I can't keep a job, and all this bullshit. I told her about them not letting me eat, and she said she's a manager and she feels the exact same way. "you diabetics take advantage of that". HAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is she kidding me? There is nothing more that I want than to be perfectly healthy! I've come to the point in my life where, when I wake up in the morning, I'm so thankful. She has no idea what I go through everyday. How bad it hurts to walk, not to be able to carry a gallon of milk. To have no controle over what your hands do. For your feet to burn so badly when you just get into the shower. No, no, she has no clue, and yet I get this much heat from both of them. I'm lazy? SPOILED?!!!???
There was more that was said, but I will leave it at that, because I just can't bare to think about it anymore! But, because of poeple like them, and like my dear, dear sister, I've decided that I want to open a foundation to teach people aboue diabetes. What it really is, what it does to your body, and how it feels! And no I don't want sympathy. I want people to understand, it's not about "not being able to eat sweets" it's so much more than that. I wish I could show every doubter how it feels. Let them walk a mile in my shoes, or countless others, but if I was given the chance, I don't think I would. I wouldn't want anyone to deal with what I deal with, even for an hour. It sucks. But it's not the worst. That's how I've always felt about it. It could be so much worse. But it burns my ass to hear people say that I'm spoiled, that I take advantage of having diabetes. I wish I could show them how it feels to wake up from being unconscience due to a low blood sugar, to honestly be scared shitless that you're about to take your last breath. That you're not coming back from this one. And to wake up in your own home, in your own bed, with your own husband talking to you, and you NO idea where u are, or what's going on. THAT! is what I've dealt with for years now, 14 to be exact. And I think I handle it very well. I deal with the pain, and all that with a smile on my fuckin' face, because I'm still here. So, back to the foundation. I really am going to start researching for it. I'm thinking I could do scholarships, as well as raise money for a cure, and do seminars about diabetes, and all that kind of stuff. Stupidity has inspired me to say the least!
Now on to Michael Jackson's death. I'm crushed. There isn't anything else I can say about it. I mean CRUSHED.
We found baby Floyd a new home yesterday. As much as me & him didn't get a long, it was super hard to get rid of him. He is in a loving home with my cousin, Tara and her boyfriend Michael, and their boxer, Bella. He & Bella fell in love the moment their eyes met! Bella is full grown boxer, and Floyd at 5 months old is as big as she. I was so happy to find him such a loving home. Ryan and I can't begin to thank Tara and Michael enough for what they've done for us. We were so scared we'd give him to the wrong people and he'd be a fight dog. But, with them, that's not possible. So a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
In other news, we are moving on Sunday! I get to open my own studio space. It's not as cool as it sounds, it will just be a room, with all my photogrpahy equipment. It'll be good for what I want to do though. I just had a girl offer to be my "business parter" but I turned her down for sure. lol. I'm looking to see what I can do, on my own. I want to pursue this newly found talent. Maybe, I'm not even a photographer..maybe I've just been lucky!
Tomorrow I am doing a bride to be's hair & makeup for her 2 engagement parites. You see I wear MANY hats. I do lots of things. But, after that I have Dara's baby shower. And then at 6 I have a cocktail party to go to. Ohhhh fancy, smanshy. lol. Busy, busy days coming ahead!
But, I can't wait to move, and start over. This has been a hell of a week, and I've skipped on some things, but after writing about it I feel a lot better. I'm ready for tomorrow, and for new days, and a better me.
Until next time, peace && love.

Let's See..

Today was a pretty good day. My nieces are having a big birthday party on Saturday. They have not had a party with their family in more than 5 years, because they live out of state. So, my mom and I made sure that they were going to have a blast. We let them pick the theme, they picked a western theme--cowboys and cowgirls. We've made them, I should say I, made them little cowgirl outfits. Chaps and a vest. We bought the chaps, but I added fringe to get the full affect. I got blisters on my hands, leather & suede tooling is rough! I made them little vests to match their boots & chaps. Kayla's is orange & black, Hayley's is pink & brown. I'm currently working on putting together some games and decorations. I'm making 3 cakes--2 boots (one each for the birthday girls) and a horse shoe. Plus 50 cupcakes, with cowboy hats on them. Hah, have I got my work cut out for me or what? And the party is Saturday. I know they will, but I really hope they enjoy it. One day when they are older I want them to look back at it and think of me. I always put alot of time and love into their gifts. I'm going to the party as a bandit. You know I can't just be a plain ol' cowgirl. haha. Ryan & Xavier are our sheriffs. haha. It should be a good time. We've got rattle snake toss (a mix between hot potato and musical chairs), a dual area (where the kids can shoot water guns at each other to squash their beef. lol), and we are letting them all pick their "old west name", that should be fun! and a Gold Rush pit where we are putting pennies in sand so the kids can really believe that they are rich. lol. But, yes I am excited, and I hope they are too.
I'm shooting more and more photos now. I just did my first baby portraits. Hah. HHHARRDDD is all I have to say. lol. I can't wait to get my studio up and started, that will make things SO much easier for me.
Until next time,

Peace && Love.

I Think I have ADD

when it comes to life. I'm such a busy body. Well, no long Wilmington. They are offering to pay me a shit ton of money to go there, well take it off of my tuition, but I just really don't want to go there, so I've decided I'm not going to. I'm going to go to NKU online, like before. I've also enrolled in beauty school, Regency Beauty Institute, to do hair. There's so many things I want to do, so I'm going for it.
As much as I'm all over the place, I'm so happy at this point in my life. I feel like I'm chasing all my dreams, and preparing my future life & family. I'm setting me and them up for pure sucess. And I'm having fun while doing it.
I have the most supportive husband. I love him so much. He knows I'm a free spirit and he doesn't ever try to keep me grounded, he's always letting me sore. I love that about him. I don't think there's anyone else in the crazy world, that could handle me. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him. =)
I got a new tattoo today, the inside of my arm done. This sleeve is going to be complete before I know it! Thank God! It's a character of Henry David Thoreau. Absolutely amazing! Love it. He's all done. My Rosie will be finished one day, Dara wasn't in to her today, which is hilarious, because she's always yelling at me saying I can't start anything until all my other work is done, it was all her this time though! lol.
So, I'm doing a million things right now, and loving it. I'm so thankful for my awesome friends and family. That's all, untill next time

Peace && Love