Guess what?! I'm pretty sure I'm normal now! I'm going to define "normal" as what my doctors would describe a "normal" pregnancy complicated with diabetes (or diabetes complicated by pregnancy?)- resistant to insulin! Isn't it so funny that I'm excited to have high blood sugars?! I know, right. Insane, I think so too. Well, we've waited and waited for me to get the point where my body would become resistant to insulin. It has! I've take 60 units of insulin today. WHOA! I'd never normally do that! The placenta is actually what is resistant to insulin, so I must over compensate for that. Occasionally I'll bottom out because of the ginormous amounts of insulin I take at one time. Thus far, a low number has only reached 55. So let's all sing joy joy joy! I still can't believe I'm excited about this! BUT if you knew what the heck I've been dealing with, with the lows you'd be excited too. I feel hopeful for tomorrow's appointment now! Like finally you've dealt with the problems I'm having, now you can direct me in a helpful way! Yay! I can't wait. That and tomorrow I should get to schedule an ultrasound to see what the gender is. I can't wait I've never been more confused in my life. Boy, girl, boy, girl, girl, girl, boy. LOL. ;)
Until next time...LOVE!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
"Smothered With Love"
I'd rather be blogging about something smothered in peanut butter, but oh well. ;)
I am smothered, stifled, asphyxiated, suffocated, muffled, repressed, restrained, suppressed, with love and care. You might be saying, is this a bad thing? Is she for real? Yes, I am. I cannot live the way I used to live. My husband and parents care about me so much, they've taken away my wings. They have caged this bird. I'm no longer a free spirit, free to roam and do as I please, when I please. I'm Rapunzel (minus the beauteous, long, blonde hair). Locked away, but one day my prince (or princess, in this case) will come to save me. My child. Yes, after it makes it's debut to the world, maybe then I will be able to come out of my tower and live in society again.
I understand my blood sugars are crazy right now. Yes, absolutely crazy, but being held captive isn't helping! I'm not allowed to go any where alone. I stay at home with my dad all day! Sometimes I'm able to sneak out, even if to run to the gas station. I can't get further than a few miles before someone is calling my cell phone. So, I usually say I'm on my way to my mom's work to visit, just to get out. The 10 minute drive alone is nice. I haven't been home for more than 2 hours at a time by myself in weeks. I don't even count it as alone, because if there isn't another body in this house with me, I have 3 people constantly calling or texting me. At night, my husband sets the alarm every 1-2 hours to wake up and check my blood sugar. I try to nap, but my dad won't go more than 30 minutes without banging on my door, "are you OK?", or he calls my mom and updates her that I'm sleeping, then she's calling or even Facebooking me. I get 2983729084720 texts a day from Ryan, "What are you doing?" if my answer is anything other than "nothing" I then get a call.
You might truly think I'm insane for complaining about this situation. But, I'm not complaining as much as I'm just venting. I know they do this out of love. The 3 of them have kept me alive for 19 weeks, of this crazy pregnancy. I truly appreciate it! I really do! This doesn't mean that it's any easier to deal with. I feel someone has taken my wings, bound them, and I can no longer fly. I can no longer walk with out holding some one's hand. That's not who I am, I'm independent. But, it's who I'm forced to be until I am a mother, holding a child in my arms, instead of in my body. I'm trying to deal. I'm trying to cope. Some days are harder than others.
Today is a hard day, because my phone broke. Sounds ridiculous right? Well, my phone is broken, so therefore I really have to be under my dad's thumb. No one can get ahold of me via my "life line". So, my dad is keeping even closer tabs on me. And the time is passing so slowly! I'm waiting for Ryan to get off work to go shopping. I don't really care what I do, I just need to get out. We could go drive around the block for an hour, and that'd be OK.
I'm not trying to sound like pity me. I understand I need to have an eye kept on me. But, it's so far from normalcy, I just can't take it sometimes. I can't wait to break free one day. I can't wait to go jogging! I can't wait to hold my precious baby and know everything was worth it. One day I'll have my wings back, but for now I'm glad I have such a supportive family. That goes out of their way every single day to make positively sure that I am going to be OK and healthy. I just needed to vent about it at the same time. I love them with all my heart!
19 weeks today! Can't wait to see if this child is pink or blue. I bet online shopping would help with my extreme boredom. It might not help my finances, but hey, this mama will be happy again! =)
Until next time! Love!
I am smothered, stifled, asphyxiated, suffocated, muffled, repressed, restrained, suppressed, with love and care. You might be saying, is this a bad thing? Is she for real? Yes, I am. I cannot live the way I used to live. My husband and parents care about me so much, they've taken away my wings. They have caged this bird. I'm no longer a free spirit, free to roam and do as I please, when I please. I'm Rapunzel (minus the beauteous, long, blonde hair). Locked away, but one day my prince (or princess, in this case) will come to save me. My child. Yes, after it makes it's debut to the world, maybe then I will be able to come out of my tower and live in society again.
I understand my blood sugars are crazy right now. Yes, absolutely crazy, but being held captive isn't helping! I'm not allowed to go any where alone. I stay at home with my dad all day! Sometimes I'm able to sneak out, even if to run to the gas station. I can't get further than a few miles before someone is calling my cell phone. So, I usually say I'm on my way to my mom's work to visit, just to get out. The 10 minute drive alone is nice. I haven't been home for more than 2 hours at a time by myself in weeks. I don't even count it as alone, because if there isn't another body in this house with me, I have 3 people constantly calling or texting me. At night, my husband sets the alarm every 1-2 hours to wake up and check my blood sugar. I try to nap, but my dad won't go more than 30 minutes without banging on my door, "are you OK?", or he calls my mom and updates her that I'm sleeping, then she's calling or even Facebooking me. I get 2983729084720 texts a day from Ryan, "What are you doing?" if my answer is anything other than "nothing" I then get a call.
You might truly think I'm insane for complaining about this situation. But, I'm not complaining as much as I'm just venting. I know they do this out of love. The 3 of them have kept me alive for 19 weeks, of this crazy pregnancy. I truly appreciate it! I really do! This doesn't mean that it's any easier to deal with. I feel someone has taken my wings, bound them, and I can no longer fly. I can no longer walk with out holding some one's hand. That's not who I am, I'm independent. But, it's who I'm forced to be until I am a mother, holding a child in my arms, instead of in my body. I'm trying to deal. I'm trying to cope. Some days are harder than others.
Today is a hard day, because my phone broke. Sounds ridiculous right? Well, my phone is broken, so therefore I really have to be under my dad's thumb. No one can get ahold of me via my "life line". So, my dad is keeping even closer tabs on me. And the time is passing so slowly! I'm waiting for Ryan to get off work to go shopping. I don't really care what I do, I just need to get out. We could go drive around the block for an hour, and that'd be OK.
I'm not trying to sound like pity me. I understand I need to have an eye kept on me. But, it's so far from normalcy, I just can't take it sometimes. I can't wait to break free one day. I can't wait to go jogging! I can't wait to hold my precious baby and know everything was worth it. One day I'll have my wings back, but for now I'm glad I have such a supportive family. That goes out of their way every single day to make positively sure that I am going to be OK and healthy. I just needed to vent about it at the same time. I love them with all my heart!
19 weeks today! Can't wait to see if this child is pink or blue. I bet online shopping would help with my extreme boredom. It might not help my finances, but hey, this mama will be happy again! =)
Until next time! Love!
Monday, November 8, 2010
I'm Not The Same!
I am not the same person I once was. I've seen more heart break, more miracles, more stress, and more happiness in the past 4 months than I've seen in my entire life. I never knew how strong I was, until it's the only option I was given. I am strong. I get up and fight a great fight everyday. Yes, I take a lot of naps, I even may complain a lot, but that's nothing compared to what I could be doing considering my circumstances. I love when people joke about exactly how much I sleep, or how "little" I do in one day. A diabetic uses 3 times as much energy to do anything a non diabetic does. 3 times as much energy! Let me state again, 3 times as much. So remembering that in itself, let's add the fact that my blood sugars are always low, and occasionally high (due to my paranoia of taking insulin), and the fact that I am growing a person. Of course I'm going to sleep and rest a lot! What else can I do? For fun, I'll tell you what I did on Sunday, I was home alone for the first time in ages, and I did laundry. My blood sugar stayed low for 4 hours straight. I was drinking regular pop, Gatorade, eating, etc. And it didn't come above 60. Maybe it was because I was doing laundry? Maybe not. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not going to risk it. If I need rest, I need rest. On the same token, I am completely out of my realm by not doing anything. This is NOT what I am used to. I'm used to being on the go, and constantly busy. So, of course I'm going to go insane. I know I need to take it easy, I'm just not sure of how exactly to do that. I don't know if I'll ever know how to do that. I'm going to complain, and you could probably even say that I'm depressed. I can't help it. It's hard to know what you need to do, and actually doing it. So for all those who say I've changed, that I'm not the same...you're most definitely right. I have changed. I am not the same. There's no way I could remain who I once was. I'm playing with the cards I have been dealt. I might win some, and I might lose some. I'd rather lose the people that think I'm being dramatic, and taking advantage of my "situation". The funny thing is, no one but those who live with me along with myself, know my "situation". I'm not one for people's pity party. I don't divulge too much information. It's easier not to. I'd rather gain the respect of those who love me and see my hardship. I am strong. I am doing OK. I'm sorry if I can't be the old Mary you once knew. If you can't grow with me, accept me, and love me for everything that I am and will become, then you can pack your things, and go.
Love,
MJ
Love,
MJ
Friday, November 5, 2010
I thought it's time I become a blogger, again.
So just incase you have missed me, I'm going to update you on my incredibly different life I live now, compared to the last time we met here! So much has happened in such a small amount of time, I'm not even sure where to begin! So expect this to be random, as usual, but even more so.
A). My husband had a near-fatal motorcycle accident on July 28th. It was probably the hardest 16 days of my life. Everyday I would pray I'd go into his room and he would just magically be back him old self. If not the same, at least a little better than the day before. That was usually not the case. We always took 1 step forward and 23 steps backward, for 16 days straight. Well, I'm still not sure of details, not that he can't tell me, I just prefer it that way. It makes it easier for me. He didn't have his bike long, literally took it out of the back of the truck and went for a ride, and never came back on it. Instead, he went by ambulance then air care to UC's trauma center. We are very thankful for his best friend, Devin, who saved his life. He ruptured his aorta. Yes, I said it, his aorta, the largest artery in your whole body. Devin made him lay down, which saved his life. 90% of people that rupture their aorta die within 2 minutes tops. Can we say miracle? Yes, I think it's safe to say that. Other injuries include two broken vertebrae, 8 broken ribs (on one side), crack sternum, broken teeth, broken nose, a gnarly leg with missing muscle and tissue now, and I believe that to be it. Well, I received the call at 9:33pm, and I didn't know at all how he was, or if he was even stable or living until 3:30am, the following day. That was beyond rough in itself, little did I know, it was going to get worse before better. He had surgery on his heart, early the next morning. It was supposed to take 2 hours, and ended up taking 5. Long story short, it was rough for him in the beginning but he's incredibly strong, and he's doing well now. He's made a full recovery. He's more rough looking with his teeth and broken nose, but he's still my teddy bear! We're 3 months out, and he's back to being his hard working self. He has issues with his left arm where his heart stint blocks blood flow. We're hoping that corrects itself, otherwise another surgery is the only way to fix it. He's also having his nose fixed with in the next couple of months. Again, he's the strongest man I know. I never knew how much I loved that man until that day. And everyday since then, I've fallen harder and harder.
B). Well, when my world crashed around me on July 28th, why not add more to it right? Well, August 6th I found out that I was pregnant. I don't have normal cycles, I took a test to make for sure for sure. I was for sure wrong. We're definatley pregnant! As of today, we are 18 weeks along. It's been the hardest 18 weeks of my life. I've literally stopped living. My bloodsugars are so out of control I have to have someone with me at all times. I've passed out to where I had to use an emergency glucagon shot 9 times thus far. I'm always low. I am the exact opposite of any other pregnant diabetic that my "high risk OB's" have seen. They say I should need more and more insulin, and I have to take less and less. I currently take the exact amount of long acting insulin as I did pre-pregnancy, and usually only 1-2 shots of fast acting insulin in a 24 hr period. I used to take one everytime I ate anything. So, on average about 8-10 shots? So, MY life has stopped completely. I'm no longer in school, due to my crazy diet of eating every 2 hours, plus all my low bloodsugars, and me having a dr appt 1-2 times EVERY week, my school said they couldn't work around those things. I had to "drop out". I can re-enroll after baby, and keep all the hours I've put in though! Everyone treats me like a baby, I'm not allowed to do this or that. They force feed me too. lol. We weren't supposed to be able to have children. This is one strong, miraculous baby! We are beyond happy about it!
C). I have no clue what I want to do with my life now. I want to go back to hair school, but I don't want to have no money and a child. Before it was easy. I would have no pressure, I could take as long as needed to get to the top and make money. I feel it would be unfair for Ryan to have to support two people, while I try to make it work. With today's economy hair stylists, don't make as much money. Yes, they still do well, it's just way harder to get there. So, my new plan is to go and get my phlebotomy certificate. It will take little to no time because I already have an Associate's degree. And then I can work part time, and either go back to hair school, or get my bachelor's degree in radiology technology. Either way, I have a plan, I'm just not sure whether to go for passion, or money. With someone depending on my, money is probably better. Hair can be a hobby! lol. But I'm not too sure, still debating. I'll see how it works out later on.
That's all I have for now. I'll be back SOON!
Love,
MJ
A). My husband had a near-fatal motorcycle accident on July 28th. It was probably the hardest 16 days of my life. Everyday I would pray I'd go into his room and he would just magically be back him old self. If not the same, at least a little better than the day before. That was usually not the case. We always took 1 step forward and 23 steps backward, for 16 days straight. Well, I'm still not sure of details, not that he can't tell me, I just prefer it that way. It makes it easier for me. He didn't have his bike long, literally took it out of the back of the truck and went for a ride, and never came back on it. Instead, he went by ambulance then air care to UC's trauma center. We are very thankful for his best friend, Devin, who saved his life. He ruptured his aorta. Yes, I said it, his aorta, the largest artery in your whole body. Devin made him lay down, which saved his life. 90% of people that rupture their aorta die within 2 minutes tops. Can we say miracle? Yes, I think it's safe to say that. Other injuries include two broken vertebrae, 8 broken ribs (on one side), crack sternum, broken teeth, broken nose, a gnarly leg with missing muscle and tissue now, and I believe that to be it. Well, I received the call at 9:33pm, and I didn't know at all how he was, or if he was even stable or living until 3:30am, the following day. That was beyond rough in itself, little did I know, it was going to get worse before better. He had surgery on his heart, early the next morning. It was supposed to take 2 hours, and ended up taking 5. Long story short, it was rough for him in the beginning but he's incredibly strong, and he's doing well now. He's made a full recovery. He's more rough looking with his teeth and broken nose, but he's still my teddy bear! We're 3 months out, and he's back to being his hard working self. He has issues with his left arm where his heart stint blocks blood flow. We're hoping that corrects itself, otherwise another surgery is the only way to fix it. He's also having his nose fixed with in the next couple of months. Again, he's the strongest man I know. I never knew how much I loved that man until that day. And everyday since then, I've fallen harder and harder.
B). Well, when my world crashed around me on July 28th, why not add more to it right? Well, August 6th I found out that I was pregnant. I don't have normal cycles, I took a test to make for sure for sure. I was for sure wrong. We're definatley pregnant! As of today, we are 18 weeks along. It's been the hardest 18 weeks of my life. I've literally stopped living. My bloodsugars are so out of control I have to have someone with me at all times. I've passed out to where I had to use an emergency glucagon shot 9 times thus far. I'm always low. I am the exact opposite of any other pregnant diabetic that my "high risk OB's" have seen. They say I should need more and more insulin, and I have to take less and less. I currently take the exact amount of long acting insulin as I did pre-pregnancy, and usually only 1-2 shots of fast acting insulin in a 24 hr period. I used to take one everytime I ate anything. So, on average about 8-10 shots? So, MY life has stopped completely. I'm no longer in school, due to my crazy diet of eating every 2 hours, plus all my low bloodsugars, and me having a dr appt 1-2 times EVERY week, my school said they couldn't work around those things. I had to "drop out". I can re-enroll after baby, and keep all the hours I've put in though! Everyone treats me like a baby, I'm not allowed to do this or that. They force feed me too. lol. We weren't supposed to be able to have children. This is one strong, miraculous baby! We are beyond happy about it!
C). I have no clue what I want to do with my life now. I want to go back to hair school, but I don't want to have no money and a child. Before it was easy. I would have no pressure, I could take as long as needed to get to the top and make money. I feel it would be unfair for Ryan to have to support two people, while I try to make it work. With today's economy hair stylists, don't make as much money. Yes, they still do well, it's just way harder to get there. So, my new plan is to go and get my phlebotomy certificate. It will take little to no time because I already have an Associate's degree. And then I can work part time, and either go back to hair school, or get my bachelor's degree in radiology technology. Either way, I have a plan, I'm just not sure whether to go for passion, or money. With someone depending on my, money is probably better. Hair can be a hobby! lol. But I'm not too sure, still debating. I'll see how it works out later on.
That's all I have for now. I'll be back SOON!
Love,
MJ
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