Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you! I always find myself having to catch up on so much when I write a post.
I transfered my prenatal care from Good Sam to UC hospital. So far, they're ok. I think they're just like any other doctors, "practicing" medicine. Of course I don't fit in their "typical diabetic" box... that stresses them and me. I was held captive in the hospital for a few days. It was to try and control my bloodsugars. I was put on bed rest there, and followed a strict diet. Guess what? They didn't get them under control either. lol. I was freed, I still follow a super strict diet, and I'm on "functional bed rest". I spend my days counting, weighing, and measuring my foods, eating 6 times a day, and at a specific time, and resting as much as I can. It makes for some long, long days. I look forward every day to when my husband gets home. He just makes everything so much better.
Ryan has an appointment with his cardiologist on January 14th. He's scheduling another surgery to fix the blood flow to his left arm. My friend Alexis is throwing me a baby shower on January 30th. It's a tea party! I'm so excited.
Our Christmas was great! Ryan surprised me with some very pretty and very expensive earrings! He's just a good guy. I love them.
I'm ready to bring in 2011. I can't wait to have our son, and hold him so tight. I'm ready to get back on my feet. I can't wait to be living on our own again, and me not needing so much help. I'm very excited for my future. I wish the present would hurry up and become the past.
Until next time!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Oh boy! and OH BOY!
Well it's been a minute since I've written my last post. I'd like to tell you that it's because I'm so miserably busy and I cannot for the life of me find time; but, that's not the case at all. I've been huddled up in my house, thinking about life, and keeping my distance. I'm not sure why. I'm not usually like this, but for now it works.
The Monday before Thanksgiving so, November 22, we "rushed" Ryan to UC ER. I put rushed in parentheses because Ryan never gets in a hurry for anything! Since returning to work and with the coldness of winter coming on, he'd been having pain, coldness, tiredness and numbness in his left arm and fingers. I of course called his cardiologist, Dr. Meier. After speaking back and forth all day, he told Ryan to come down to UC as soon as he could, they needed to do tests. We sat in the ER for 4 hours, let me tell you a city hospital ER isn't where you want to spend ANY amount of time, let alone 4 hours. Finally, FINALLY, they call Dr. Meier like we had told them time and time again. He'd had a plan for Ryan, just no one had told him he'd come in yet. Hah! Go figure. I'll quote a doctor for you, "there isn't a lack of communication here, it's just a set of hierarchies". WHATEVER. They don't speak to one another, I call it lack of communication, THEY can call it whatever makes them feel better about it! Anyways, long story short, he stayed in the hospital a few days, he had a heprin drip to thin his blood. On Wednesday November 23rd he had his 2nd surgery due to rupturing his aeorta. They went in through his left arm with a camera to see what they could see, see, see. They removed a relatively good sized blood clot. He was released late in the evening on Thanksgiving day. He was off work for 2 more weeks. He went back to work this Monday. It was supposed to bring ease to our minds, but it didn't. He has more pain, tiredness, and coldness now than before. Yesterday he was outside for 45 minutes. He wore 2 gloves on his left hand, and one on his right. When he came in he checked the temp on both hands. His left was 52 degrees, and his right was 76. That's an INSANE difference! Anyway, it's for sure that he will have to undergo another surgery to fix this bloodflow problem. We go back to see Dr. Meier on January 14th. I hope this one works. The plan is to do a bipass, so going in through the chest. Dr. Meier will put a shunt from the artery that supplies blood to the brain, from behind the ear down through the neck and into the shoulder. This shunt will supply blood to both Ryan's brain and his left arm. That's the plan, and I hope this one works. If not, "there really isn't another option..."
Another big thing that's taken place since my last post. We found out what we're expecting!! It's a BOY!! His name is Maximus Ryan Jordan. Unless, I can get Ryan to add another middle name, or change the Ryan. If we don't he will have the same initials as Ryan's dad. Umm...yeah, that bothers me. That's a different story that I don't want to blog about at the moment! Anyways, our son is doing well! On November 30th, he was about 15oz. Everything was on track, and he looks like a bundle of health! He is stubborn like his parents, and wouldn't look at us for a picture! He he has huge feet, a huge head, and there is NO DOUBT that he is infact, a BOY! lol. I wasn't surprised when she said "oh, well there it is, he's a definitely a boy!". I didn't have any intuitions on the gender, until the week prior. It was a strong overwhelming feeling that he was a boy. While Ryan was in the hospital, we both called him only by Max. So, we weren't all giddy, "OMG! It's a boy!!" blah blah blah, like I expected the experience to be. I was more relaxed and calm, and just said to myself, "I knew you were..." Ryan showed a smile. He knew too. So, now I'm planning on starting to make his crib sheets, etc. I'm thinking Frankenstein =)
On another note, I think I've mentioned it, but earlier in my pregnancy Ryan made the decision to move us in with my parents. It was for my well being, as well as Max. I was having so many problems controlling my bloodsugars, and they were constantly low. So, here I always have someone around. ALWAYS. Well, I was annoyed by it, but I have to admit it has saved me quite a few times! And now with Ryan's last surgery, and his two weeks off of work. Plus, his next surgery, which will be an even longer recovery... It's saved more than me and Max. It's been a true blessing in disguise. My parents are helping us so much. They are bending over backwards to help us get our family on track. Ryan's family is too. I used to take my family for granted, but now, I really don't know where we would be without them. I'm so thankful. I owe them all more than I ever will be able to repay. I hope they know though, that I love them and I deeply appreciate everything they sacrifice for us. I'm going to write a personal story about our journey, and use shutterfly to actually make look like a "book". I'm going to include all the pictures from the hospital, and pregnancy , and Max. It's my thank you to my family. I'm excited to have the passion to write again. Let's hope it works out!
That's all I have for now. Until next time, peace and love...
The Monday before Thanksgiving so, November 22, we "rushed" Ryan to UC ER. I put rushed in parentheses because Ryan never gets in a hurry for anything! Since returning to work and with the coldness of winter coming on, he'd been having pain, coldness, tiredness and numbness in his left arm and fingers. I of course called his cardiologist, Dr. Meier. After speaking back and forth all day, he told Ryan to come down to UC as soon as he could, they needed to do tests. We sat in the ER for 4 hours, let me tell you a city hospital ER isn't where you want to spend ANY amount of time, let alone 4 hours. Finally, FINALLY, they call Dr. Meier like we had told them time and time again. He'd had a plan for Ryan, just no one had told him he'd come in yet. Hah! Go figure. I'll quote a doctor for you, "there isn't a lack of communication here, it's just a set of hierarchies". WHATEVER. They don't speak to one another, I call it lack of communication, THEY can call it whatever makes them feel better about it! Anyways, long story short, he stayed in the hospital a few days, he had a heprin drip to thin his blood. On Wednesday November 23rd he had his 2nd surgery due to rupturing his aeorta. They went in through his left arm with a camera to see what they could see, see, see. They removed a relatively good sized blood clot. He was released late in the evening on Thanksgiving day. He was off work for 2 more weeks. He went back to work this Monday. It was supposed to bring ease to our minds, but it didn't. He has more pain, tiredness, and coldness now than before. Yesterday he was outside for 45 minutes. He wore 2 gloves on his left hand, and one on his right. When he came in he checked the temp on both hands. His left was 52 degrees, and his right was 76. That's an INSANE difference! Anyway, it's for sure that he will have to undergo another surgery to fix this bloodflow problem. We go back to see Dr. Meier on January 14th. I hope this one works. The plan is to do a bipass, so going in through the chest. Dr. Meier will put a shunt from the artery that supplies blood to the brain, from behind the ear down through the neck and into the shoulder. This shunt will supply blood to both Ryan's brain and his left arm. That's the plan, and I hope this one works. If not, "there really isn't another option..."
Another big thing that's taken place since my last post. We found out what we're expecting!! It's a BOY!! His name is Maximus Ryan Jordan. Unless, I can get Ryan to add another middle name, or change the Ryan. If we don't he will have the same initials as Ryan's dad. Umm...yeah, that bothers me. That's a different story that I don't want to blog about at the moment! Anyways, our son is doing well! On November 30th, he was about 15oz. Everything was on track, and he looks like a bundle of health! He is stubborn like his parents, and wouldn't look at us for a picture! He he has huge feet, a huge head, and there is NO DOUBT that he is infact, a BOY! lol. I wasn't surprised when she said "oh, well there it is, he's a definitely a boy!". I didn't have any intuitions on the gender, until the week prior. It was a strong overwhelming feeling that he was a boy. While Ryan was in the hospital, we both called him only by Max. So, we weren't all giddy, "OMG! It's a boy!!" blah blah blah, like I expected the experience to be. I was more relaxed and calm, and just said to myself, "I knew you were..." Ryan showed a smile. He knew too. So, now I'm planning on starting to make his crib sheets, etc. I'm thinking Frankenstein =)
On another note, I think I've mentioned it, but earlier in my pregnancy Ryan made the decision to move us in with my parents. It was for my well being, as well as Max. I was having so many problems controlling my bloodsugars, and they were constantly low. So, here I always have someone around. ALWAYS. Well, I was annoyed by it, but I have to admit it has saved me quite a few times! And now with Ryan's last surgery, and his two weeks off of work. Plus, his next surgery, which will be an even longer recovery... It's saved more than me and Max. It's been a true blessing in disguise. My parents are helping us so much. They are bending over backwards to help us get our family on track. Ryan's family is too. I used to take my family for granted, but now, I really don't know where we would be without them. I'm so thankful. I owe them all more than I ever will be able to repay. I hope they know though, that I love them and I deeply appreciate everything they sacrifice for us. I'm going to write a personal story about our journey, and use shutterfly to actually make look like a "book". I'm going to include all the pictures from the hospital, and pregnancy , and Max. It's my thank you to my family. I'm excited to have the passion to write again. Let's hope it works out!
That's all I have for now. Until next time, peace and love...
Monday, November 15, 2010
Normal Schmormal.
Guess what?! I'm pretty sure I'm normal now! I'm going to define "normal" as what my doctors would describe a "normal" pregnancy complicated with diabetes (or diabetes complicated by pregnancy?)- resistant to insulin! Isn't it so funny that I'm excited to have high blood sugars?! I know, right. Insane, I think so too. Well, we've waited and waited for me to get the point where my body would become resistant to insulin. It has! I've take 60 units of insulin today. WHOA! I'd never normally do that! The placenta is actually what is resistant to insulin, so I must over compensate for that. Occasionally I'll bottom out because of the ginormous amounts of insulin I take at one time. Thus far, a low number has only reached 55. So let's all sing joy joy joy! I still can't believe I'm excited about this! BUT if you knew what the heck I've been dealing with, with the lows you'd be excited too. I feel hopeful for tomorrow's appointment now! Like finally you've dealt with the problems I'm having, now you can direct me in a helpful way! Yay! I can't wait. That and tomorrow I should get to schedule an ultrasound to see what the gender is. I can't wait I've never been more confused in my life. Boy, girl, boy, girl, girl, girl, boy. LOL. ;)
Until next time...LOVE!
Until next time...LOVE!
Friday, November 12, 2010
"Smothered With Love"
I'd rather be blogging about something smothered in peanut butter, but oh well. ;)
I am smothered, stifled, asphyxiated, suffocated, muffled, repressed, restrained, suppressed, with love and care. You might be saying, is this a bad thing? Is she for real? Yes, I am. I cannot live the way I used to live. My husband and parents care about me so much, they've taken away my wings. They have caged this bird. I'm no longer a free spirit, free to roam and do as I please, when I please. I'm Rapunzel (minus the beauteous, long, blonde hair). Locked away, but one day my prince (or princess, in this case) will come to save me. My child. Yes, after it makes it's debut to the world, maybe then I will be able to come out of my tower and live in society again.
I understand my blood sugars are crazy right now. Yes, absolutely crazy, but being held captive isn't helping! I'm not allowed to go any where alone. I stay at home with my dad all day! Sometimes I'm able to sneak out, even if to run to the gas station. I can't get further than a few miles before someone is calling my cell phone. So, I usually say I'm on my way to my mom's work to visit, just to get out. The 10 minute drive alone is nice. I haven't been home for more than 2 hours at a time by myself in weeks. I don't even count it as alone, because if there isn't another body in this house with me, I have 3 people constantly calling or texting me. At night, my husband sets the alarm every 1-2 hours to wake up and check my blood sugar. I try to nap, but my dad won't go more than 30 minutes without banging on my door, "are you OK?", or he calls my mom and updates her that I'm sleeping, then she's calling or even Facebooking me. I get 2983729084720 texts a day from Ryan, "What are you doing?" if my answer is anything other than "nothing" I then get a call.
You might truly think I'm insane for complaining about this situation. But, I'm not complaining as much as I'm just venting. I know they do this out of love. The 3 of them have kept me alive for 19 weeks, of this crazy pregnancy. I truly appreciate it! I really do! This doesn't mean that it's any easier to deal with. I feel someone has taken my wings, bound them, and I can no longer fly. I can no longer walk with out holding some one's hand. That's not who I am, I'm independent. But, it's who I'm forced to be until I am a mother, holding a child in my arms, instead of in my body. I'm trying to deal. I'm trying to cope. Some days are harder than others.
Today is a hard day, because my phone broke. Sounds ridiculous right? Well, my phone is broken, so therefore I really have to be under my dad's thumb. No one can get ahold of me via my "life line". So, my dad is keeping even closer tabs on me. And the time is passing so slowly! I'm waiting for Ryan to get off work to go shopping. I don't really care what I do, I just need to get out. We could go drive around the block for an hour, and that'd be OK.
I'm not trying to sound like pity me. I understand I need to have an eye kept on me. But, it's so far from normalcy, I just can't take it sometimes. I can't wait to break free one day. I can't wait to go jogging! I can't wait to hold my precious baby and know everything was worth it. One day I'll have my wings back, but for now I'm glad I have such a supportive family. That goes out of their way every single day to make positively sure that I am going to be OK and healthy. I just needed to vent about it at the same time. I love them with all my heart!
19 weeks today! Can't wait to see if this child is pink or blue. I bet online shopping would help with my extreme boredom. It might not help my finances, but hey, this mama will be happy again! =)
Until next time! Love!
I am smothered, stifled, asphyxiated, suffocated, muffled, repressed, restrained, suppressed, with love and care. You might be saying, is this a bad thing? Is she for real? Yes, I am. I cannot live the way I used to live. My husband and parents care about me so much, they've taken away my wings. They have caged this bird. I'm no longer a free spirit, free to roam and do as I please, when I please. I'm Rapunzel (minus the beauteous, long, blonde hair). Locked away, but one day my prince (or princess, in this case) will come to save me. My child. Yes, after it makes it's debut to the world, maybe then I will be able to come out of my tower and live in society again.
I understand my blood sugars are crazy right now. Yes, absolutely crazy, but being held captive isn't helping! I'm not allowed to go any where alone. I stay at home with my dad all day! Sometimes I'm able to sneak out, even if to run to the gas station. I can't get further than a few miles before someone is calling my cell phone. So, I usually say I'm on my way to my mom's work to visit, just to get out. The 10 minute drive alone is nice. I haven't been home for more than 2 hours at a time by myself in weeks. I don't even count it as alone, because if there isn't another body in this house with me, I have 3 people constantly calling or texting me. At night, my husband sets the alarm every 1-2 hours to wake up and check my blood sugar. I try to nap, but my dad won't go more than 30 minutes without banging on my door, "are you OK?", or he calls my mom and updates her that I'm sleeping, then she's calling or even Facebooking me. I get 2983729084720 texts a day from Ryan, "What are you doing?" if my answer is anything other than "nothing" I then get a call.
You might truly think I'm insane for complaining about this situation. But, I'm not complaining as much as I'm just venting. I know they do this out of love. The 3 of them have kept me alive for 19 weeks, of this crazy pregnancy. I truly appreciate it! I really do! This doesn't mean that it's any easier to deal with. I feel someone has taken my wings, bound them, and I can no longer fly. I can no longer walk with out holding some one's hand. That's not who I am, I'm independent. But, it's who I'm forced to be until I am a mother, holding a child in my arms, instead of in my body. I'm trying to deal. I'm trying to cope. Some days are harder than others.
Today is a hard day, because my phone broke. Sounds ridiculous right? Well, my phone is broken, so therefore I really have to be under my dad's thumb. No one can get ahold of me via my "life line". So, my dad is keeping even closer tabs on me. And the time is passing so slowly! I'm waiting for Ryan to get off work to go shopping. I don't really care what I do, I just need to get out. We could go drive around the block for an hour, and that'd be OK.
I'm not trying to sound like pity me. I understand I need to have an eye kept on me. But, it's so far from normalcy, I just can't take it sometimes. I can't wait to break free one day. I can't wait to go jogging! I can't wait to hold my precious baby and know everything was worth it. One day I'll have my wings back, but for now I'm glad I have such a supportive family. That goes out of their way every single day to make positively sure that I am going to be OK and healthy. I just needed to vent about it at the same time. I love them with all my heart!
19 weeks today! Can't wait to see if this child is pink or blue. I bet online shopping would help with my extreme boredom. It might not help my finances, but hey, this mama will be happy again! =)
Until next time! Love!
Monday, November 8, 2010
I'm Not The Same!
I am not the same person I once was. I've seen more heart break, more miracles, more stress, and more happiness in the past 4 months than I've seen in my entire life. I never knew how strong I was, until it's the only option I was given. I am strong. I get up and fight a great fight everyday. Yes, I take a lot of naps, I even may complain a lot, but that's nothing compared to what I could be doing considering my circumstances. I love when people joke about exactly how much I sleep, or how "little" I do in one day. A diabetic uses 3 times as much energy to do anything a non diabetic does. 3 times as much energy! Let me state again, 3 times as much. So remembering that in itself, let's add the fact that my blood sugars are always low, and occasionally high (due to my paranoia of taking insulin), and the fact that I am growing a person. Of course I'm going to sleep and rest a lot! What else can I do? For fun, I'll tell you what I did on Sunday, I was home alone for the first time in ages, and I did laundry. My blood sugar stayed low for 4 hours straight. I was drinking regular pop, Gatorade, eating, etc. And it didn't come above 60. Maybe it was because I was doing laundry? Maybe not. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not going to risk it. If I need rest, I need rest. On the same token, I am completely out of my realm by not doing anything. This is NOT what I am used to. I'm used to being on the go, and constantly busy. So, of course I'm going to go insane. I know I need to take it easy, I'm just not sure of how exactly to do that. I don't know if I'll ever know how to do that. I'm going to complain, and you could probably even say that I'm depressed. I can't help it. It's hard to know what you need to do, and actually doing it. So for all those who say I've changed, that I'm not the same...you're most definitely right. I have changed. I am not the same. There's no way I could remain who I once was. I'm playing with the cards I have been dealt. I might win some, and I might lose some. I'd rather lose the people that think I'm being dramatic, and taking advantage of my "situation". The funny thing is, no one but those who live with me along with myself, know my "situation". I'm not one for people's pity party. I don't divulge too much information. It's easier not to. I'd rather gain the respect of those who love me and see my hardship. I am strong. I am doing OK. I'm sorry if I can't be the old Mary you once knew. If you can't grow with me, accept me, and love me for everything that I am and will become, then you can pack your things, and go.
Love,
MJ
Love,
MJ
Friday, November 5, 2010
I thought it's time I become a blogger, again.
So just incase you have missed me, I'm going to update you on my incredibly different life I live now, compared to the last time we met here! So much has happened in such a small amount of time, I'm not even sure where to begin! So expect this to be random, as usual, but even more so.
A). My husband had a near-fatal motorcycle accident on July 28th. It was probably the hardest 16 days of my life. Everyday I would pray I'd go into his room and he would just magically be back him old self. If not the same, at least a little better than the day before. That was usually not the case. We always took 1 step forward and 23 steps backward, for 16 days straight. Well, I'm still not sure of details, not that he can't tell me, I just prefer it that way. It makes it easier for me. He didn't have his bike long, literally took it out of the back of the truck and went for a ride, and never came back on it. Instead, he went by ambulance then air care to UC's trauma center. We are very thankful for his best friend, Devin, who saved his life. He ruptured his aorta. Yes, I said it, his aorta, the largest artery in your whole body. Devin made him lay down, which saved his life. 90% of people that rupture their aorta die within 2 minutes tops. Can we say miracle? Yes, I think it's safe to say that. Other injuries include two broken vertebrae, 8 broken ribs (on one side), crack sternum, broken teeth, broken nose, a gnarly leg with missing muscle and tissue now, and I believe that to be it. Well, I received the call at 9:33pm, and I didn't know at all how he was, or if he was even stable or living until 3:30am, the following day. That was beyond rough in itself, little did I know, it was going to get worse before better. He had surgery on his heart, early the next morning. It was supposed to take 2 hours, and ended up taking 5. Long story short, it was rough for him in the beginning but he's incredibly strong, and he's doing well now. He's made a full recovery. He's more rough looking with his teeth and broken nose, but he's still my teddy bear! We're 3 months out, and he's back to being his hard working self. He has issues with his left arm where his heart stint blocks blood flow. We're hoping that corrects itself, otherwise another surgery is the only way to fix it. He's also having his nose fixed with in the next couple of months. Again, he's the strongest man I know. I never knew how much I loved that man until that day. And everyday since then, I've fallen harder and harder.
B). Well, when my world crashed around me on July 28th, why not add more to it right? Well, August 6th I found out that I was pregnant. I don't have normal cycles, I took a test to make for sure for sure. I was for sure wrong. We're definatley pregnant! As of today, we are 18 weeks along. It's been the hardest 18 weeks of my life. I've literally stopped living. My bloodsugars are so out of control I have to have someone with me at all times. I've passed out to where I had to use an emergency glucagon shot 9 times thus far. I'm always low. I am the exact opposite of any other pregnant diabetic that my "high risk OB's" have seen. They say I should need more and more insulin, and I have to take less and less. I currently take the exact amount of long acting insulin as I did pre-pregnancy, and usually only 1-2 shots of fast acting insulin in a 24 hr period. I used to take one everytime I ate anything. So, on average about 8-10 shots? So, MY life has stopped completely. I'm no longer in school, due to my crazy diet of eating every 2 hours, plus all my low bloodsugars, and me having a dr appt 1-2 times EVERY week, my school said they couldn't work around those things. I had to "drop out". I can re-enroll after baby, and keep all the hours I've put in though! Everyone treats me like a baby, I'm not allowed to do this or that. They force feed me too. lol. We weren't supposed to be able to have children. This is one strong, miraculous baby! We are beyond happy about it!
C). I have no clue what I want to do with my life now. I want to go back to hair school, but I don't want to have no money and a child. Before it was easy. I would have no pressure, I could take as long as needed to get to the top and make money. I feel it would be unfair for Ryan to have to support two people, while I try to make it work. With today's economy hair stylists, don't make as much money. Yes, they still do well, it's just way harder to get there. So, my new plan is to go and get my phlebotomy certificate. It will take little to no time because I already have an Associate's degree. And then I can work part time, and either go back to hair school, or get my bachelor's degree in radiology technology. Either way, I have a plan, I'm just not sure whether to go for passion, or money. With someone depending on my, money is probably better. Hair can be a hobby! lol. But I'm not too sure, still debating. I'll see how it works out later on.
That's all I have for now. I'll be back SOON!
Love,
MJ
A). My husband had a near-fatal motorcycle accident on July 28th. It was probably the hardest 16 days of my life. Everyday I would pray I'd go into his room and he would just magically be back him old self. If not the same, at least a little better than the day before. That was usually not the case. We always took 1 step forward and 23 steps backward, for 16 days straight. Well, I'm still not sure of details, not that he can't tell me, I just prefer it that way. It makes it easier for me. He didn't have his bike long, literally took it out of the back of the truck and went for a ride, and never came back on it. Instead, he went by ambulance then air care to UC's trauma center. We are very thankful for his best friend, Devin, who saved his life. He ruptured his aorta. Yes, I said it, his aorta, the largest artery in your whole body. Devin made him lay down, which saved his life. 90% of people that rupture their aorta die within 2 minutes tops. Can we say miracle? Yes, I think it's safe to say that. Other injuries include two broken vertebrae, 8 broken ribs (on one side), crack sternum, broken teeth, broken nose, a gnarly leg with missing muscle and tissue now, and I believe that to be it. Well, I received the call at 9:33pm, and I didn't know at all how he was, or if he was even stable or living until 3:30am, the following day. That was beyond rough in itself, little did I know, it was going to get worse before better. He had surgery on his heart, early the next morning. It was supposed to take 2 hours, and ended up taking 5. Long story short, it was rough for him in the beginning but he's incredibly strong, and he's doing well now. He's made a full recovery. He's more rough looking with his teeth and broken nose, but he's still my teddy bear! We're 3 months out, and he's back to being his hard working self. He has issues with his left arm where his heart stint blocks blood flow. We're hoping that corrects itself, otherwise another surgery is the only way to fix it. He's also having his nose fixed with in the next couple of months. Again, he's the strongest man I know. I never knew how much I loved that man until that day. And everyday since then, I've fallen harder and harder.
B). Well, when my world crashed around me on July 28th, why not add more to it right? Well, August 6th I found out that I was pregnant. I don't have normal cycles, I took a test to make for sure for sure. I was for sure wrong. We're definatley pregnant! As of today, we are 18 weeks along. It's been the hardest 18 weeks of my life. I've literally stopped living. My bloodsugars are so out of control I have to have someone with me at all times. I've passed out to where I had to use an emergency glucagon shot 9 times thus far. I'm always low. I am the exact opposite of any other pregnant diabetic that my "high risk OB's" have seen. They say I should need more and more insulin, and I have to take less and less. I currently take the exact amount of long acting insulin as I did pre-pregnancy, and usually only 1-2 shots of fast acting insulin in a 24 hr period. I used to take one everytime I ate anything. So, on average about 8-10 shots? So, MY life has stopped completely. I'm no longer in school, due to my crazy diet of eating every 2 hours, plus all my low bloodsugars, and me having a dr appt 1-2 times EVERY week, my school said they couldn't work around those things. I had to "drop out". I can re-enroll after baby, and keep all the hours I've put in though! Everyone treats me like a baby, I'm not allowed to do this or that. They force feed me too. lol. We weren't supposed to be able to have children. This is one strong, miraculous baby! We are beyond happy about it!
C). I have no clue what I want to do with my life now. I want to go back to hair school, but I don't want to have no money and a child. Before it was easy. I would have no pressure, I could take as long as needed to get to the top and make money. I feel it would be unfair for Ryan to have to support two people, while I try to make it work. With today's economy hair stylists, don't make as much money. Yes, they still do well, it's just way harder to get there. So, my new plan is to go and get my phlebotomy certificate. It will take little to no time because I already have an Associate's degree. And then I can work part time, and either go back to hair school, or get my bachelor's degree in radiology technology. Either way, I have a plan, I'm just not sure whether to go for passion, or money. With someone depending on my, money is probably better. Hair can be a hobby! lol. But I'm not too sure, still debating. I'll see how it works out later on.
That's all I have for now. I'll be back SOON!
Love,
MJ
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Call Me The Hair Doctor!!
hahahaha, just kidding!
Update, hope you're excited! Sorry I've not been blogging, I'm super busy these days. Anywho, I'm in week 3 of school. Thus far I'm LOVING it. Totally infatuated with everything. Next week is cutting week. I'm so so so so so excited!! I know tons of people who will be getting hair cuts! lol.
On Saturday @ 9:30 I will be joining the OTHER side. The blond side. Yep, platinum blond here I come! I'm really excited and nervous at the same time.
Yesterday I had an interview at Sephora! I'm hoping and praying that I will get it! If I do, after 90 days they will fly me (all expenses paid) to New York for a formal training for 5 full days!! How exciting is that?! But! I can't get my hopes up! I refuse to. I think I would really enjoy that job though.
Bloodsugars, with my crazy schedule at school I'll admit to slacking a bit. I'm still trying to work out a schedule. But they are no where near as out of control as they were before I was born again! So, I think I'm doing pretty good. I'm still trying my hardest! Hopefully I'll work out a schedule and get things to a consistent and normal level.
Thanks all I have.
Until next time...
Update, hope you're excited! Sorry I've not been blogging, I'm super busy these days. Anywho, I'm in week 3 of school. Thus far I'm LOVING it. Totally infatuated with everything. Next week is cutting week. I'm so so so so so excited!! I know tons of people who will be getting hair cuts! lol.
On Saturday @ 9:30 I will be joining the OTHER side. The blond side. Yep, platinum blond here I come! I'm really excited and nervous at the same time.
Yesterday I had an interview at Sephora! I'm hoping and praying that I will get it! If I do, after 90 days they will fly me (all expenses paid) to New York for a formal training for 5 full days!! How exciting is that?! But! I can't get my hopes up! I refuse to. I think I would really enjoy that job though.
Bloodsugars, with my crazy schedule at school I'll admit to slacking a bit. I'm still trying to work out a schedule. But they are no where near as out of control as they were before I was born again! So, I think I'm doing pretty good. I'm still trying my hardest! Hopefully I'll work out a schedule and get things to a consistent and normal level.
Thanks all I have.
Until next time...
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Let's See...
I start Paul Mitchell school on Monday. I'm NERVOUS!! I'm still needing black clothes. It's HARD to find pants that fit me. My waist is 27 inches, and my butt is 41 inches around. You see my problem here? lol. If they fit my big ol bum, they are too big on my waist and way too long. Eh, oh well, I shouldn't complain anymore. It's just annoying. That's why I love dresses! They don't make me feel deformed! I can't wait til warm weather so I can rock the dresses again!
Last night Ryan came home from work early. Around 4. That was nice. We went to Kenwood mall to turn in all my applications. The manager at Teavana (a store of nothing but tea!) said she would call me in a week. I'm stoked. I love that place! The manager at Forever 21 said she would call me too. I'd rather work at Teavana though honestly. lol. I'm also applying to the magazing "Natural Living". I'd like a job there. I love to read the mag, so I'm sure working for it would just as cool.
Blood sugars still good. I'm proud. My husband is PROUD! Woo hoo. It ws 77 this morning! And I still feel very good.
Until Next Time...
Last night Ryan came home from work early. Around 4. That was nice. We went to Kenwood mall to turn in all my applications. The manager at Teavana (a store of nothing but tea!) said she would call me in a week. I'm stoked. I love that place! The manager at Forever 21 said she would call me too. I'd rather work at Teavana though honestly. lol. I'm also applying to the magazing "Natural Living". I'd like a job there. I love to read the mag, so I'm sure working for it would just as cool.
Blood sugars still good. I'm proud. My husband is PROUD! Woo hoo. It ws 77 this morning! And I still feel very good.
Until Next Time...
Thursday, February 25, 2010
SUCK IT!!!
I will do what I want. When I want. I have a mother. I don't need ANY more. Worry about YOU, and I'll worry about ME!!! That goes to all my haters who try to bring me down. You just give me that much more fuel to add to my fire.
NKU has taken $5,000 of my financial aid money when I cancelled everything for this semester!!! So now I'm gonna have to pay that back and FOR NOTHING. I got nothing from it!! I'm furious!!! WTF?! Can they even legally do that? I cancelled my disbursements. They said I didn't. I have e-mails. I don't have call logs though. I wish I could get those. I even called my lenders and canceled through them. How in the hell did this happen!? I'm livid.
It feels like I take 10 steps forward to take 6 leaps backward!! Ugh. Life sucks. But, I'm rolling with it's punches. I hope I can get this straightened out with NKU. Or they can hand me 5K and I'll buy something pretty with it!! If I'm going to pay it back, I want to use it!
Oh well. Enough of the bad. Good news: I start Paul Mitchell on Monday. Gotta be there @ 8:45 am! I am really nervous. I know I'm good at academia, but this is something totally different. I'm also glad to see that it is pissing some people off. I mean, seriously? They get mad over what I do in MY life? C'mon! Grow a pair! The funny thing is I'll be happier than them one day, hell I already am. Ugh. People make me sick. I'm very excited and VERY nervous for Monday. I'll update about it right away! =)
Blood sugars are still awesome. Ryan and I have decided that after a full month of control, I am going to temp and chart. I'm hoping for the best, preparing for the worst with that situation. I feel awesome. Today I kinda hurt all over, but still, nothing to complain about.
Until Next Time...
NKU has taken $5,000 of my financial aid money when I cancelled everything for this semester!!! So now I'm gonna have to pay that back and FOR NOTHING. I got nothing from it!! I'm furious!!! WTF?! Can they even legally do that? I cancelled my disbursements. They said I didn't. I have e-mails. I don't have call logs though. I wish I could get those. I even called my lenders and canceled through them. How in the hell did this happen!? I'm livid.
It feels like I take 10 steps forward to take 6 leaps backward!! Ugh. Life sucks. But, I'm rolling with it's punches. I hope I can get this straightened out with NKU. Or they can hand me 5K and I'll buy something pretty with it!! If I'm going to pay it back, I want to use it!
Oh well. Enough of the bad. Good news: I start Paul Mitchell on Monday. Gotta be there @ 8:45 am! I am really nervous. I know I'm good at academia, but this is something totally different. I'm also glad to see that it is pissing some people off. I mean, seriously? They get mad over what I do in MY life? C'mon! Grow a pair! The funny thing is I'll be happier than them one day, hell I already am. Ugh. People make me sick. I'm very excited and VERY nervous for Monday. I'll update about it right away! =)
Blood sugars are still awesome. Ryan and I have decided that after a full month of control, I am going to temp and chart. I'm hoping for the best, preparing for the worst with that situation. I feel awesome. Today I kinda hurt all over, but still, nothing to complain about.
Until Next Time...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
JOB HUNTING!!
Sucks. Sucks. SUCKS. Melinda and I went to Kenwood Mall today for HOURS. I got a folder full of apps to fill out and take back on Thursday after my closing at school. I want to go to Tri County and do the same sometime this week. The more I put in the better the chances right? Pray for me. I need monies. lol.
Diabetes Progress Report: Other than my high of 300 something again this morning, my blood sugars have stayed under 130 today. YAY!
That's all I have. Short & sweet update.
Until Next Time...
Diabetes Progress Report: Other than my high of 300 something again this morning, my blood sugars have stayed under 130 today. YAY!
That's all I have. Short & sweet update.
Until Next Time...
Monday, February 22, 2010
Great, But Sad Weekend.
Jesse and Alexis Neal. Our dear, dear friends. Jesse is a Corporal in the United States Marine Corps. He leaves today to head to California for training until April. He will be back for one week, then to Afghanistan he goes! We spent the entire day with them yesterday. Leaving our house a little after noon, and getting home after 10pm. Saying goodbye to Jesse was the hardest thing ever! The man is 6'7'' so I, at 5'2'' jump to give him a hug! lol. He picked me up and danced-walked with me! =( It was so sad. I can't imagine when he leaves for his 8 month tour. Ryan and I plan to write him at least twice a week. He has no family, except for Alexis. So now that Jesse-Mitten as we call him, is gone, now I have Alexis to deal with. That wasn't a complaint by any means! I just don't know how she will react. We are here for her full force. I hope that she will be ok, I know she will, but, I'm still a little scared. Yesterday was blissful though! I'm glad we got to spend quality time with him before he goes! I'm so proud of him, and he looks AMAZING in his blues!! hahahahaha.
Diabetes control update (my new term, LOL): I've started taking Levemir twice a day. It wasn't working the full 24 hrs. I was waking up in the am with blood sugars above 300, and that was after going to sleep at 120. After correcting the high in the morning, and then taking the Levemir I felt amazing. So I've switched it to taking 12 units in the am, and 6 in the pm. So far so good. This is only day 2 though. I hope it works out. I'm still keeping my head up. I'm so thankful to have this new outlook on life. I feel AMAZING!! I forgot life could be this good.
Diabetes control update (my new term, LOL): I've started taking Levemir twice a day. It wasn't working the full 24 hrs. I was waking up in the am with blood sugars above 300, and that was after going to sleep at 120. After correcting the high in the morning, and then taking the Levemir I felt amazing. So I've switched it to taking 12 units in the am, and 6 in the pm. So far so good. This is only day 2 though. I hope it works out. I'm still keeping my head up. I'm so thankful to have this new outlook on life. I feel AMAZING!! I forgot life could be this good.
Friday, February 19, 2010
I Will Vent, Because It's MY Blog!!
So, have you ever questioned parenting? Who who gets to be parents and who does not? How does that decision get determined? WHO determines that??? I know this is going to sound SO selfish, but in reality I'm not even talking about ME in particular. I know MANY, MANY awesome people who are or would be fantastic parents. They are TTC, and some have miscarried time and time again, it's a painful process. It takes a mental head trip on you. But, then to see people who can blame their twins on a "tumor", drink alcohol their entire pregnancy, keep it from the dad, and say she was giving them up for adoption. DO NOT PLAN OR CARE FOR THESE BABIES!!!! Then, have one, decide to keep them, and call the father 4 days later so he can see them. UGH. Why in the HELL do people like that get pregnant?! WHY?!? I don't understand it. A friend recently had her 2nd miscarriage. Idk what to say to people when that happens. I could imagine it would be very hard. =( I've been off of birth control for 26 months now. No babies. No anything. That's hard enough. I can't imagine conceiving and losing. For everyone who is TTC, miscarried, or has been through the grueling process of TTC for any amount of time--I'm sorry. I feel for you. My heart aches for you. I wish you the best. I hate that the wrong people get to experience something that they will probably never cherish. At the same time, I hope it changes those people, for the better. I'll remain optimistic about the entire thing. But, it still baffles me to the extreme.
Next point: day 2 of switching Levemir to a daytime dose. I took my full dose of 15 at 9:30 this a.m. I feel wonderful! I hope it continues this way! I've been working very hard at this. I hope to reap every reward I can from it. I've been in denial for so long. I'm not any more. I am diabetic, and I know I need to take care of myself. Next week I add exercise to my life turn around. One step at a time!
Until Next Time!
Next point: day 2 of switching Levemir to a daytime dose. I took my full dose of 15 at 9:30 this a.m. I feel wonderful! I hope it continues this way! I've been working very hard at this. I hope to reap every reward I can from it. I've been in denial for so long. I'm not any more. I am diabetic, and I know I need to take care of myself. Next week I add exercise to my life turn around. One step at a time!
Until Next Time!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Change In Routine.
And it sucks! I take Levemir, which is a long acting (24 hr) insulin. I usually take 15 units at night before bed. I am supposed to take it religiously at the same time every night, so with gettin' myself together I have been taking it at 10 pm every night. I even set an alarm to make sure I took it on time. While taking it at 10 pm I would wake up every morning between 4-6 am with a low blood sugar. Most usually around 6. The say it has no peak, but obviously there is a damn peak, I'm getting a low at the same time. I have been checking my blood sugar before going to bed as well, it's been around 130 to go to sleep. I played with the numbers of Levemir which would end up with HIGHS all day. So that didn't help either! The night is my biggest problem, and it always has been. I always seem to get low during the night, and we all know that usually results in passing out for me. I was told NOT to take Levemir in the day time. But, because I am grown, I'm going to. Today was the big switch. I knew it was going to suck so bad. Last night at 10 pm I took 8 units. This morning at 10 am I took 8 units. Tomorrow morning at 10 am I will take 15 units. Then I'll work my way up to taking it around 7 am, because I'll always be up for school at that time. But, the switch is hard. I'm tired, my blood sugars are high. I haven't ate much today. I knew it would be hard, but still, gah it sucks. I hope switching to a day time dose will be better so that way it peaks when I'm awake and can feel getting low.
Other non diabetic news: Ryan has been working his ass off lately. 65 hours last week. BOO!!! But, I also must say, thanks babe! For working hard for me! Shoe Sensation is begging me to come back. With no luck finding another job, it's looking like I'll go. Damn. That place has a DEATH grip on me! It just won't let me go! lol. Oh well, I won't be working that much due to my 40hrs a week at school starting March 1st. The ONE person I had a problem with there, is getting "looked at". She really is a brutal boss. Funny thing is, she's only 18. She's definitely on a power trip. Had it not been for losing my job, I totally would have showed her how us, Brown Countians, do things! LOL. But, I didn't break out my fists. Which shows that I am much, much more mature than her. I thought about it, but hey, I didn't ACT on it! lol. Let's hope I get someone who calls for a different place to work. That'd be nice!! Anyone know a way to lose 10lbs fast?! Nothing TOO unhealthy. lol.
I'll end with some photography shots I've taken! Just for fun!
.
The above 2 are the beautiful Tiphaney Lee Nykole Leath!
Mady, Daughter of Steve & Jennifer Lucas.
Peyton Tanner McAlister, Son of JD & Amber McAlister
I think that's all for now.
Until Next Time...
Other non diabetic news: Ryan has been working his ass off lately. 65 hours last week. BOO!!! But, I also must say, thanks babe! For working hard for me! Shoe Sensation is begging me to come back. With no luck finding another job, it's looking like I'll go. Damn. That place has a DEATH grip on me! It just won't let me go! lol. Oh well, I won't be working that much due to my 40hrs a week at school starting March 1st. The ONE person I had a problem with there, is getting "looked at". She really is a brutal boss. Funny thing is, she's only 18. She's definitely on a power trip. Had it not been for losing my job, I totally would have showed her how us, Brown Countians, do things! LOL. But, I didn't break out my fists. Which shows that I am much, much more mature than her. I thought about it, but hey, I didn't ACT on it! lol. Let's hope I get someone who calls for a different place to work. That'd be nice!! Anyone know a way to lose 10lbs fast?! Nothing TOO unhealthy. lol.
I'll end with some photography shots I've taken! Just for fun!
.
The above 2 are the beautiful Tiphaney Lee Nykole Leath!
Mady, Daughter of Steve & Jennifer Lucas.
Peyton Tanner McAlister, Son of JD & Amber McAlister
I think that's all for now.
Until Next Time...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
14 Year Vet.
Yep, as of Sunday, February 14th 2010 I am a strong 14-year veteran of diabetes. I usually post something on that day, but I didn't have much to say. It is what it is right? I hate that day. I always have, and I always will. Ryan and I do not celebrate it. We don't even say "Happy Valentine's Day" to each other. I like it that way. I get presents from my parents though? I guess to sugar coat the day a itty bit? Idk. This year I got $130 check to cover my Paul Mitchell admission fee, fleece pj pants with hearts, a beret, and a black shirt for school. Yep, spoiled rotten. Ry took me out to lunch at Long Horn, and then we came home and I cleaned my house like a mad woman. Then friends came over @ 5pm for family night. I am glad I got to spend the day I hate the most, with the people I love the most. So in all, it wasn't that bad. 14 years down, many more to go.
Update, I have been checking my blood sugar regularly. I have not been logging it. I HATE my log book. It's the stupidest book ever! I'm going to make my own log sheets. I should do that right after this... Good thing is that now @ 150, I feel HIGH. And under 75 I feel low. So, I am getting my body back on the right track. Wow. I am very proud of that.
I'm trying to diet and exercise because I've set up a photo shoot with Chris Yarger, of Driven Photography Company to do some proofs that I MAY submit to the Suicide Girls. Idk if I've already wrote about this, probably. I was supposed to do it on Sunday, but I just didn't feel up to it that day. You know. But, I'm very excited about it. GO SG. I wanna lose 10 pounds. And get into excellent shape. Then I'll be happy. I got some pretty cool self portraits the other day, I posted these for your viewing pleasure. lol. ;)
Other than that,I have nada to say right now.
Until next time...
Update, I have been checking my blood sugar regularly. I have not been logging it. I HATE my log book. It's the stupidest book ever! I'm going to make my own log sheets. I should do that right after this... Good thing is that now @ 150, I feel HIGH. And under 75 I feel low. So, I am getting my body back on the right track. Wow. I am very proud of that.
I'm trying to diet and exercise because I've set up a photo shoot with Chris Yarger, of Driven Photography Company to do some proofs that I MAY submit to the Suicide Girls. Idk if I've already wrote about this, probably. I was supposed to do it on Sunday, but I just didn't feel up to it that day. You know. But, I'm very excited about it. GO SG. I wanna lose 10 pounds. And get into excellent shape. Then I'll be happy. I got some pretty cool self portraits the other day, I posted these for your viewing pleasure. lol. ;)
Other than that,I have nada to say right now.
Until next time...
Friday, February 12, 2010
Gettin' It Together.
Since figuring out "what I want to be when I grow up", and enrolling in Paul Mitchell Hair Academy, I've had a lot on my mind. First off, how and the hell am I going to stand ALL day? My feet hurt to walk around the grocery store! I do not want my diabetes, or it's complications taking something that I love, and turning it into something that I hate.
So, I've searched the Internet, the library, and my mind to come to a conclusion: be better at managing what I need to. I need to do it for myself. I need to do it for my family. I need to do it for my future. I need to do it for my friends. I need to do it for MYSELF. I've consulted my family and the people that mean the most to me, and was reassured that I would have all the support I need to get this job done. You see, every since my mom stopped taking care of me, I have not taken care of myself. She stopped measuring out my food, planning my diet, giving me my shots, and all that when I was about 12 or 13. Since that age I've run amuck, doing as I please. Basically living in denial. I've tried to straighten myself up before, without success. I think the reason I failed was because I had nothing to give me that extra push. Now, I do. I have more than enough to give me that extra shove! I finally am able to envision my life 5 years from now. I know what I want to be doing. I know what I will be doing. I know that if I don't get my shit together now, I won't be doing what I see. That is the motivation I've always needed. I said diabetes will never stop me. It will if I don't re-learn to manage it. I'm not stupid, but I am very stubborn. I've fought with that side of me for many years. I'm becoming more open minded. I'm reading every piece of literature that I can to learn more and re-teach myself about what I'm living with.
I also have my mom to count on now. We're doing this together. She has a WHOLE new understanding of diabetes, now that she's living with it! I hate it for her, but it's also nice to have someone already so close to talk to.
So, whole new look to the blog. I'll be using it to help me learn to live again. I checked my blood sugars regularly, and logged them today. I haven't done that, I've actually NEVER done that. My mom used to for me, but I've never done it for myself. Until today that is.
I woke up at 129, and stayed relatively steady all day. Almost through day one, and I'm doing ok! I know I should be around 75 in my numbers, but that feels low to me. So my goal for the next couple of months is to be from 85-120. I think that is an acceptable range considering I haven't even had a range in 8 years or so. I have one year in Paul Mitchell Academy starting March 1st. I think that is an attainable goal to learn to live with diabetes, and get myself healthier. I'll graduate from there, and have a new lease on life. My hope is to be healthy enough to work and ENJOY life.
I hope to have all of your support, I'll need it. Thanks so much for everything you all do for me. I appreciate it sincerely.
So, I've searched the Internet, the library, and my mind to come to a conclusion: be better at managing what I need to. I need to do it for myself. I need to do it for my family. I need to do it for my future. I need to do it for my friends. I need to do it for MYSELF. I've consulted my family and the people that mean the most to me, and was reassured that I would have all the support I need to get this job done. You see, every since my mom stopped taking care of me, I have not taken care of myself. She stopped measuring out my food, planning my diet, giving me my shots, and all that when I was about 12 or 13. Since that age I've run amuck, doing as I please. Basically living in denial. I've tried to straighten myself up before, without success. I think the reason I failed was because I had nothing to give me that extra push. Now, I do. I have more than enough to give me that extra shove! I finally am able to envision my life 5 years from now. I know what I want to be doing. I know what I will be doing. I know that if I don't get my shit together now, I won't be doing what I see. That is the motivation I've always needed. I said diabetes will never stop me. It will if I don't re-learn to manage it. I'm not stupid, but I am very stubborn. I've fought with that side of me for many years. I'm becoming more open minded. I'm reading every piece of literature that I can to learn more and re-teach myself about what I'm living with.
I also have my mom to count on now. We're doing this together. She has a WHOLE new understanding of diabetes, now that she's living with it! I hate it for her, but it's also nice to have someone already so close to talk to.
So, whole new look to the blog. I'll be using it to help me learn to live again. I checked my blood sugars regularly, and logged them today. I haven't done that, I've actually NEVER done that. My mom used to for me, but I've never done it for myself. Until today that is.
I woke up at 129, and stayed relatively steady all day. Almost through day one, and I'm doing ok! I know I should be around 75 in my numbers, but that feels low to me. So my goal for the next couple of months is to be from 85-120. I think that is an acceptable range considering I haven't even had a range in 8 years or so. I have one year in Paul Mitchell Academy starting March 1st. I think that is an attainable goal to learn to live with diabetes, and get myself healthier. I'll graduate from there, and have a new lease on life. My hope is to be healthy enough to work and ENJOY life.
I hope to have all of your support, I'll need it. Thanks so much for everything you all do for me. I appreciate it sincerely.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The Comparison
The comparison...
Something I haven't really let cross my mind lately. As I sat here about to blog, I had to hear it. My dad is on the phone with an old friend. He is talking about his children (us, me whatev.) Yep, the comparison of me and my sister, Melisha. You all may not know my sister, but I will try to explain a little about her, if I can. We can't relate to each other at all really, so I'm sure it's going to be hard. First, she is an accountant for International Paper. She's been with them for many years. She is 31, yep 10 years older than I. She is the complete opposite of me, in every way. She is a business-brained person. Her job is to crunch numbers all day, and she claims she enjoys it very much. She is on the fast track to becoming an CEO of IP. So, of course my parents rave about her. I'm sure it does feel awesome to have a daughter doing so well. But, for my brother and I, who love to live life, and not necessarily WORK it away, we feel left out sometimes. I can't really speak for him, but I do know my brother is one of the smartest people I know, yet he rarely gets credit. I give him credit though! The man is a genius! He could do anything he wants to! I'm fine with the fact that he builds stages and does lighting and all that jazz, he loves it! So, I'm in full support of him. He supports his family and loves his job! Go Jame!
Back to my sister! She is doing well for herself, but she's had my family's support. She claims to have done it ALL by herself, but I don't believe that to be true. We won't get into that. I don't want to give you the wrong impression. She has moved 4 times all over the country to gain higher positions in her company. She has her MBA, which deserves a standing ovation! She is about 5'5, maybe 108 pounds, blond hair, small features. The exact opposite of me. We do have the same color eyes though! We get them from our dad! lol.
I've always had to try to live up to her. I've had so much pressure put on me. When I was younger nothing I did was first, I heard "Melisha did that". I've lived in her shadow for 20 years. Last year, I stopped, I do what I want now. It's liberating! So liberating! Needless to say my resent drop out from NKU, and enrollment to Paul Mitchell Hair Academy, upset her. Probably upset a lot of my family.
I am liberated of her. And until today, when my dad was on the phone, and had more to say about her than me, was I reminded of her shadow. Apparently the person on the other end, also wanted to know more about my sister than I. I mean which sounds better: someone on the fast track to being a big shot in a huge company, or a girl who thinks of herself as an artist and is going hair school! I don't blame him one bit.
I am glad I decided to live for me though. I am smart. I can get into any college I wish to, I could be anything I want to. I WANT to be an artist. I want to do photography, draw, paint, instruct yoga, live and teach holistic healing, and do hair. That is me. That is who I am, and who I want to be. But, I wish people realized not only my artistic flare, but my intelligence. My sister thinks of me as foolish. I think she is foolish in her own way as well. She lives in her office, and her children care for themselves. THAT to me is foolish. I want to be free in my life. When Ryan and I have our own children, I will be able to bend my schedule to fit them. I may not ever make as much paper as her, BUT I will be rich. Rich in happiness.
I am myself, I can see that my parents are proud of my sister, my brother, and myself; all for very different reasons. I think that my parents are proud of me for not conforming. I am me, and stand true to that every day. That's all I can do, and if that's not enough for some people, then nothing will be.
The comparison doesn't have any affect on me anymore. I am not my sister. I will not be my sister. Our intelligence is not equal, because we are intelligent in two different ways. I respect her for everything that she is, and wants to be. I hope that she can get to a point like that with me. Until then I can only love her.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
From Good To Bad...
Story of my life.
GOOD:
This morning was awesome, despite the snow. Melinda allowed me to go with her to get her ultrasound! Baby boy! I was so wrong! Lol. It was an amazing experience. One that I will never forget. I'm so thankful I was able to be there!
BAD:
I'm sick of people. I'm sick of diabetes. I'm sick of people being so insensitive about it. Not that I want you to pine over me, and act like I'm made of glass. NO! I just want you to understand, or try to understand that, yes, I am different. Yes, I do have a little more to deal with than just everyday sort of problems. I'm sick of the two facedness I feel I see all the time. "Oh I feel so bad for her." "Awe, she has it so tough" and then those same fucking people turn around to say things like "she never does anything" "she totally takes advantage of her diabetes" "must be nice to not work, and think you have an excuse." Hm. Right. I have never once in my life wished my situation on anyone until tonight. There are a handful of people that I would love to walk my shoes for one day. ONE DAY. They couldn't take it. The pain in my hands and feet from neuropathy, the constant battles with kidney infections, the kidney damage, the ups and downs of bloog sugar levels that leave you feeling like pure shit, the passing out that leaves you feeling like you've been hit by a Mack truck a few times, the weariness that comes from doing normal day-to-day things. I wish they could feel it, just for even a few minutes. Maybe then I wouldn't get labeled. I'm not a bad person. I don't take advantage of anything. I'm honestly glad that it's me that deals with all this shit, no one else I know could. But, for those who criticize, and those who run their mouth without any knowlege of my life, well, for those I feel sorry. No more feeling guilty about being me. I'm done with it. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not asking for that. I just needed to get that out. People suck!
And more on diabetes, my mom was diagnosed with type 2 on November 7th 2009. Today, she started insulin. Idk why but I am devastated. I sit here now with tears welling up in my eyes, because I feel for her. The worst is her saying "I'm sorry for all those times I said 'If my life depended on it I would eat better', it's hard. I'm so sorry." It is hard. Too hard. And I don't want her to have to deal with it!!! I'd take it from her and double it up on myself if I could. I wonder if this is how she feels about me?
Today sucks. Diabetes, YOU SUCK.
Peace & Love
GOOD:
This morning was awesome, despite the snow. Melinda allowed me to go with her to get her ultrasound! Baby boy! I was so wrong! Lol. It was an amazing experience. One that I will never forget. I'm so thankful I was able to be there!
BAD:
I'm sick of people. I'm sick of diabetes. I'm sick of people being so insensitive about it. Not that I want you to pine over me, and act like I'm made of glass. NO! I just want you to understand, or try to understand that, yes, I am different. Yes, I do have a little more to deal with than just everyday sort of problems. I'm sick of the two facedness I feel I see all the time. "Oh I feel so bad for her." "Awe, she has it so tough" and then those same fucking people turn around to say things like "she never does anything" "she totally takes advantage of her diabetes" "must be nice to not work, and think you have an excuse." Hm. Right. I have never once in my life wished my situation on anyone until tonight. There are a handful of people that I would love to walk my shoes for one day. ONE DAY. They couldn't take it. The pain in my hands and feet from neuropathy, the constant battles with kidney infections, the kidney damage, the ups and downs of bloog sugar levels that leave you feeling like pure shit, the passing out that leaves you feeling like you've been hit by a Mack truck a few times, the weariness that comes from doing normal day-to-day things. I wish they could feel it, just for even a few minutes. Maybe then I wouldn't get labeled. I'm not a bad person. I don't take advantage of anything. I'm honestly glad that it's me that deals with all this shit, no one else I know could. But, for those who criticize, and those who run their mouth without any knowlege of my life, well, for those I feel sorry. No more feeling guilty about being me. I'm done with it. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not asking for that. I just needed to get that out. People suck!
And more on diabetes, my mom was diagnosed with type 2 on November 7th 2009. Today, she started insulin. Idk why but I am devastated. I sit here now with tears welling up in my eyes, because I feel for her. The worst is her saying "I'm sorry for all those times I said 'If my life depended on it I would eat better', it's hard. I'm so sorry." It is hard. Too hard. And I don't want her to have to deal with it!!! I'd take it from her and double it up on myself if I could. I wonder if this is how she feels about me?
Today sucks. Diabetes, YOU SUCK.
Peace & Love
Friday, February 5, 2010
Ohhhhh, interesting point!
I'm sick of snow. I'm sick of hearing about snow. I'm sick of the color white. I'm sick of the cold. I'm sick of the wind. I want to look out my window and see pretty color flowers, leaves on trees, buds & bees. Please leave winter, please make your entrance spring!
Next topic. So, I suck at drawing but lately it's all I want to do. So I do it. It may not be too pretty, but it lets me release some creative energy that I need out! You know what I can not do? WRITE!! Or take photos. I have no desire to even look at my camera. I've tried to write, I get nothing. I hate that. For Paul Mitchell Academy I need to write 200 words about myself. HAH. I can't form a single sentence. I searched my writer's blog, but couldn't find anything I could use. Eh, I guess it will come. I just wish I never experienced these "blocks" in my creativity! I think it's normal, but that doesn't mean it doesn't stress me out. I did buy a new charcoal drawing yesterday. I'm in love with it. Ryan likes it, but says it wasn't "what he thought it was going to be". Oh well I thought I was going to have to pay $500, and I got it for $100. So I was THRILLED to say the least. It's a cabbage patch looking doll, with his throat cut. Behind him is a really sad story. I need to post pics huh? lol I will at some point. Today, I plan on making another piece for Melinda entitled "She talks to angels" because that song reminds me so much of her. ;)
Speaking of Melinda! We have started a new tradition--family night! We get together once a week for good food, games, and movies! It was so fun last Sunday! I've been looking forward to it all week! Tomorrow is the big day again! Ryan thinks it's a blast too. To keep friends close, we must make an effort to not lose each other. I think this is our effort. Thus far I think it's bringing us all much closer!
February 14th--VALENTINE'S DAY. I hate it. I always have. I like to ignore the day. It was the day in 1996 that I was diagnosed with diabetes. BITE ME V DAY!! Any who, this year is no different. I will not be getting any valentine's present, EXCEPT for this uber cool new machine that I want, and Ryan insists on getting. It's a watch looking thing that tracks your blood sugar at night. If it dips too low (which is a regular occurrence for me) it vibrates and lights up and beeps in order to wake you up! Therefore, hopefully no more passing out! That's my v-day gift. Cool by me. At least Ryan won't be constantly waking me up at night making me check my blood sugar! Technology can be great sometimes, eh? Other than my nifty new gadget to keep me from passing out, we will be celebrating Valentine's Day with our pals for family night! FOOD, GAMES, MOVIES, AND MEMORIES! Yay! For making me feel human, and not "diabetic". It will be 14 years this year. I can't remember life before it. I like it that way. Next year, the big 15, I will start my rib piece, that has everything to do with diabetes. I'm stoked. I was going to start it this year, but figured I should wait til the big 1-5. Enough of this stuff...
Lastly, I would like to say CONGRATULATIONS to Alexis Neal for passing her state boards for nursing yesterday! We celebrated with binge eating Chinese food & shopping! She is having a hard time right now, her husband is due to leave for Afghanistan soon. His 3rd tour? Please pray for her. I'm sure she'd love to hear of people keeping them in their thoughts & prayers. They are very good people. Ryan and I love them dearly!
Oh yeah--food for thought: If we evolved from monkeys. WHY ARE THERE STILL MONKEYS?!?! All kinds of them?! and apes? I'm confused. Why wouldn't we all just become human? It makes no sense to me. If you can shed light on this, please feel free. Otherwise I'm convinced I, nor my ancestors, evolved from a damn ape.
That's all I have for now, peace & love everyone.
Next topic. So, I suck at drawing but lately it's all I want to do. So I do it. It may not be too pretty, but it lets me release some creative energy that I need out! You know what I can not do? WRITE!! Or take photos. I have no desire to even look at my camera. I've tried to write, I get nothing. I hate that. For Paul Mitchell Academy I need to write 200 words about myself. HAH. I can't form a single sentence. I searched my writer's blog, but couldn't find anything I could use. Eh, I guess it will come. I just wish I never experienced these "blocks" in my creativity! I think it's normal, but that doesn't mean it doesn't stress me out. I did buy a new charcoal drawing yesterday. I'm in love with it. Ryan likes it, but says it wasn't "what he thought it was going to be". Oh well I thought I was going to have to pay $500, and I got it for $100. So I was THRILLED to say the least. It's a cabbage patch looking doll, with his throat cut. Behind him is a really sad story. I need to post pics huh? lol I will at some point. Today, I plan on making another piece for Melinda entitled "She talks to angels" because that song reminds me so much of her. ;)
Speaking of Melinda! We have started a new tradition--family night! We get together once a week for good food, games, and movies! It was so fun last Sunday! I've been looking forward to it all week! Tomorrow is the big day again! Ryan thinks it's a blast too. To keep friends close, we must make an effort to not lose each other. I think this is our effort. Thus far I think it's bringing us all much closer!
February 14th--VALENTINE'S DAY. I hate it. I always have. I like to ignore the day. It was the day in 1996 that I was diagnosed with diabetes. BITE ME V DAY!! Any who, this year is no different. I will not be getting any valentine's present, EXCEPT for this uber cool new machine that I want, and Ryan insists on getting. It's a watch looking thing that tracks your blood sugar at night. If it dips too low (which is a regular occurrence for me) it vibrates and lights up and beeps in order to wake you up! Therefore, hopefully no more passing out! That's my v-day gift. Cool by me. At least Ryan won't be constantly waking me up at night making me check my blood sugar! Technology can be great sometimes, eh? Other than my nifty new gadget to keep me from passing out, we will be celebrating Valentine's Day with our pals for family night! FOOD, GAMES, MOVIES, AND MEMORIES! Yay! For making me feel human, and not "diabetic". It will be 14 years this year. I can't remember life before it. I like it that way. Next year, the big 15, I will start my rib piece, that has everything to do with diabetes. I'm stoked. I was going to start it this year, but figured I should wait til the big 1-5. Enough of this stuff...
Lastly, I would like to say CONGRATULATIONS to Alexis Neal for passing her state boards for nursing yesterday! We celebrated with binge eating Chinese food & shopping! She is having a hard time right now, her husband is due to leave for Afghanistan soon. His 3rd tour? Please pray for her. I'm sure she'd love to hear of people keeping them in their thoughts & prayers. They are very good people. Ryan and I love them dearly!
Oh yeah--food for thought: If we evolved from monkeys. WHY ARE THERE STILL MONKEYS?!?! All kinds of them?! and apes? I'm confused. Why wouldn't we all just become human? It makes no sense to me. If you can shed light on this, please feel free. Otherwise I'm convinced I, nor my ancestors, evolved from a damn ape.
That's all I have for now, peace & love everyone.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Ok, so...
I am officially done with "college" for now anyways. My mom and I went to Paul Mitchell Hair Academy on Wednesday, and I think I fell in love. My mom said, "I've never seen you look so happy or comfortable, or atleast in a while." So there you have it. I start March 1. After 6 weeks of extensive training classes, this lady will be on the floor, cutting and coloring hair @ the Paul Mitchell school/salon. Of course I'll have 12 months to go after that. But, still I am beyond exited!! So, to you that read my random blogs, about May, you can call me your hair stylist!! =) I've already planned make overs for a few people in my life. On the house! lol.
Ryan is still trying to decided between marines and fire academy. He finally told his family, and the reacted fairly well, or atleast most of them. So, now I don't have to hide the horror I'm feeling about my husbands wanting to leave me and possibly go to war! I'm in full support of whatever he wishes to do though!
That's all. We are working on finding our places in society. I think I've found mine, and it was the best high ever. I hope my husband feels the same relieve I did when he figures out what he wants to do. Until then, he has all my support and love.
Peace && Love.
Ryan is still trying to decided between marines and fire academy. He finally told his family, and the reacted fairly well, or atleast most of them. So, now I don't have to hide the horror I'm feeling about my husbands wanting to leave me and possibly go to war! I'm in full support of whatever he wishes to do though!
That's all. We are working on finding our places in society. I think I've found mine, and it was the best high ever. I hope my husband feels the same relieve I did when he figures out what he wants to do. Until then, he has all my support and love.
Peace && Love.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
What I Love About You
I love my husband. Almost a year that we've been married (320 days exactly), and I love him more each day. I know this because from the time I wake up everyday, and he's gone, I count down until he comes home. Usually impatiently! When people look at my boo, or those who don't know him well usually can't get past his harsh front. Yep, it's all a front. He's a pretty big teddy bear, when he wants to be! But honestly, if you don't know him well you probably have this impression of him: he is a redneck, racist, deisel mechanic, that enjoys rock and roll because it's in his blood, and country because they sing "songs about him", that he's tough and macho. Well, you could be somewhat right! but there's so much more that he keeps the world from knowing. I bet a man, whom he's been friends with since he was born doesn't know much more than what I previously stated. I think he picks and chooses who he shows all of himself too. It's probably easier for him that way, so then he can remain the tough guy, you won't mess with! But, anyways here are some reasons why I can't get enough of my badass husband:
1). Every time he comes home and I'm not in the kitchen, he asks our dogs "Where's mama?" And then when he locates me in the house, its always an instant smile and "Hey little lady, whatcha doin?"
2). When we are going to sleep, I always get a good night kiss and he says "Good night love"
3). When I do something dramatic like idk, shave my head! He looks at me as if I'm the prettiest woman he's ever seen!
4). He got a tattoo of a pinup girl and insisted on changing her features so she looked more like me! He even took off her heels and put chucks on her!
5). He can easily lay around and read a book for hours on end. I find him absolutely irrisistable when his nose is buried in a book!
6). He considers our 2 dogs, Case and Carter, his babies, or more his sons!
7). Every little girl steals and melts his heart.
8). He'd make the best dad ever, and that is one of his goals in life.
9). He wants nothing more than to "take care of me" even though I'm probably the biggest pain in his butt that he knows!
10). He brags to everyone about my awesome ballet moves.
11). He acts tough, but only Dara Jo and I know how he is such a baby when getting tattooed.
12). He wants to serve our country, because he says he's not afraid to die for what our country has, and he knows it would better our life, and everyone else's that he knows.
13). He has an amazing voice and he's always singing and humming!
14). He stands in the shower for long periods of time, which I take full advantage of and talk his ear off. I sometimes think he does it just to listen to me.
15). He loves classical music.
16). He loves art.
17). He loves my art.
18). He secretly reads everything I write!
19). He's the most stubborn person ever.
20). He takes good care of his family.
21). He cried while I was walking down the aisle at at our wedding.
22). He is one hell of a friend.
23). He tells everyone he doesn't hunt because it's too cold, when honestly it's because he says he couldn't kill any animal besides a spider.
24). He loves Hank 3 but doesn't agree with what he sings about, he says he just has an awesome style.
25). He puts up with me everyday, and says he wouldn't have it any other way.
Basically, he's a cultured country man. He's very into the arts, even though he doesn't talk about them much. I like to say he can hang where ever. I love him as big as the sky. I could go on about him for ever. I hope this little tid bit of info makes you see how complex my husband is. He likes to say he's a simple man, but thats just one of his many fronts. He's a good man. I'm lucky beyond what I deserve.
1). Every time he comes home and I'm not in the kitchen, he asks our dogs "Where's mama?" And then when he locates me in the house, its always an instant smile and "Hey little lady, whatcha doin?"
2). When we are going to sleep, I always get a good night kiss and he says "Good night love"
3). When I do something dramatic like idk, shave my head! He looks at me as if I'm the prettiest woman he's ever seen!
4). He got a tattoo of a pinup girl and insisted on changing her features so she looked more like me! He even took off her heels and put chucks on her!
5). He can easily lay around and read a book for hours on end. I find him absolutely irrisistable when his nose is buried in a book!
6). He considers our 2 dogs, Case and Carter, his babies, or more his sons!
7). Every little girl steals and melts his heart.
8). He'd make the best dad ever, and that is one of his goals in life.
9). He wants nothing more than to "take care of me" even though I'm probably the biggest pain in his butt that he knows!
10). He brags to everyone about my awesome ballet moves.
11). He acts tough, but only Dara Jo and I know how he is such a baby when getting tattooed.
12). He wants to serve our country, because he says he's not afraid to die for what our country has, and he knows it would better our life, and everyone else's that he knows.
13). He has an amazing voice and he's always singing and humming!
14). He stands in the shower for long periods of time, which I take full advantage of and talk his ear off. I sometimes think he does it just to listen to me.
15). He loves classical music.
16). He loves art.
17). He loves my art.
18). He secretly reads everything I write!
19). He's the most stubborn person ever.
20). He takes good care of his family.
21). He cried while I was walking down the aisle at at our wedding.
22). He is one hell of a friend.
23). He tells everyone he doesn't hunt because it's too cold, when honestly it's because he says he couldn't kill any animal besides a spider.
24). He loves Hank 3 but doesn't agree with what he sings about, he says he just has an awesome style.
25). He puts up with me everyday, and says he wouldn't have it any other way.
Basically, he's a cultured country man. He's very into the arts, even though he doesn't talk about them much. I like to say he can hang where ever. I love him as big as the sky. I could go on about him for ever. I hope this little tid bit of info makes you see how complex my husband is. He likes to say he's a simple man, but thats just one of his many fronts. He's a good man. I'm lucky beyond what I deserve.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
I have faith.
So, a friend and I were talking about God today. Well, more so people that preach to everyone about God, and how we should live, think, act, talk, dress...etc. They preach it and 2 seconds later turn around and do the exact opposite of what the hell they were just screaming! Why? Why must certain people scream from the roof tops about their beliefs and/or religion, and make us try and feel bad, and then do exactly what they told us NOT to? It doesn't make any sense to me.
Anywho, most people have no clue what I believe in. Am I Christian? I'm not sure. I can't label it, or myself. All that I need people to know is that I strongly believe in God. I do not believe is here to take care of me. I think he put me here to make my own way. He gave me all the things I need to make my life, productive and prosperous. He is there when I need him, but never holding my hand, or helping me take steps. I am his child, and like all parents he wants me to do right, become independent, and make a life for myself. So, yes I believe all children go to Heaven (and yes I believe in Heaven!). All children go because they have yet to learn everything needed to do right.
I believe we all worship the same God. We may call him different things, we may worship in totally different ways, but he is one in the same. Across the board, there is a language barrier among foreigners right? We refer to the same object, as different things, or with different names. That leads me to believe in ONE God, and ONE God only.
I do not believe in the devil. Show me where in the Bible, you see someone named, "The Devil". So, don't bring that BS to me about "the devil made me do it." No, your own weakness made you do it. I believe we should take our actions and stand behind them. Would God really want you to place blame? hah. NO. And secondly, the Bible was written by a HUMAN. Therefore, there is a massive amount of judgement and biased information in it. It wasn't written by God or Jesus themselves. No, it was written by people who supposedly knew Jesus, or knew people who knew Jesus. So, let's recall the game, telephone, you know where you sit in a circle and whisper the same phrase, and when it gets back to the first person, it's completely and totally different than when they started it? Yeah, I think of a person writing the Bible, like I do the game telephone! I can tell a story to a friend, and by the time it reaches back to me, it's never the same. Details are left out, some put in. I'm not one to read nor follow the Bible religiously. I merely take the information in as if it were food for thought.
I believe in my own way of worshiping God. I treat people as I want to be treated, I try to do good, I do not litter, I take care of his Earth. You see it's the small things I do to let God know I am making him proud, I am independent, I am growing, just as I do my own biological parents. I'm not sure, this is all too much to put in ONE blog.
I'll leave it at this, I believe what I believe. I've taken a long time to get to know myself and my beliefs. I do not regurgitate what someone has told me. I figured it out for myself. I could go on, but if you want to know more about my beliefs,ask I'll share! I'm sure you can find holes in them, but I can find holes in your belief system too! That's what it's called FAITH. There is no right or wrong. You just have to have faith. When asked what do I believe in? I simply answer "I have faith". If intrigued enough the other person will ask all the questions they want, and I will honestly answer.
Until next time, Peace & Love.
Anywho, most people have no clue what I believe in. Am I Christian? I'm not sure. I can't label it, or myself. All that I need people to know is that I strongly believe in God. I do not believe is here to take care of me. I think he put me here to make my own way. He gave me all the things I need to make my life, productive and prosperous. He is there when I need him, but never holding my hand, or helping me take steps. I am his child, and like all parents he wants me to do right, become independent, and make a life for myself. So, yes I believe all children go to Heaven (and yes I believe in Heaven!). All children go because they have yet to learn everything needed to do right.
I believe we all worship the same God. We may call him different things, we may worship in totally different ways, but he is one in the same. Across the board, there is a language barrier among foreigners right? We refer to the same object, as different things, or with different names. That leads me to believe in ONE God, and ONE God only.
I do not believe in the devil. Show me where in the Bible, you see someone named, "The Devil". So, don't bring that BS to me about "the devil made me do it." No, your own weakness made you do it. I believe we should take our actions and stand behind them. Would God really want you to place blame? hah. NO. And secondly, the Bible was written by a HUMAN. Therefore, there is a massive amount of judgement and biased information in it. It wasn't written by God or Jesus themselves. No, it was written by people who supposedly knew Jesus, or knew people who knew Jesus. So, let's recall the game, telephone, you know where you sit in a circle and whisper the same phrase, and when it gets back to the first person, it's completely and totally different than when they started it? Yeah, I think of a person writing the Bible, like I do the game telephone! I can tell a story to a friend, and by the time it reaches back to me, it's never the same. Details are left out, some put in. I'm not one to read nor follow the Bible religiously. I merely take the information in as if it were food for thought.
I believe in my own way of worshiping God. I treat people as I want to be treated, I try to do good, I do not litter, I take care of his Earth. You see it's the small things I do to let God know I am making him proud, I am independent, I am growing, just as I do my own biological parents. I'm not sure, this is all too much to put in ONE blog.
I'll leave it at this, I believe what I believe. I've taken a long time to get to know myself and my beliefs. I do not regurgitate what someone has told me. I figured it out for myself. I could go on, but if you want to know more about my beliefs,ask I'll share! I'm sure you can find holes in them, but I can find holes in your belief system too! That's what it's called FAITH. There is no right or wrong. You just have to have faith. When asked what do I believe in? I simply answer "I have faith". If intrigued enough the other person will ask all the questions they want, and I will honestly answer.
Until next time, Peace & Love.
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