I never see ONE doctor. I see a team. I have a team in every situation. It makes me feel... complicated. I guess that's the word I'm looking for. I'm thankful for my teams, but at the same time I'm like am I really THAT bad off? It's kind of like a kick in the groin yet, a helpful hand. It's just weird. Any way, let's talk about my newest team I've met and come to know...
My anesthesia consultation was on Friday at 11:00 A.M. This appointment was supposed to take about 15-30 minutes. HAH. I went in, signed in. Everyone kept asking me if I was there to have my baby, or if I was in labor. I said I sure hope not! ;) Anyway, I saw the first Dr, he took a bunch of info from me. He also gave me a neurological exam. Why? I do not know, but apparently it showed things he needed to talk to other doctors about. To make a long story short, I saw the whole team of UC's OB/Delivery anesthesiologist. 5 in total. They were all "concerned", between the brain malformation and the diabetes they said. One said even positioning me on the table would be hard. So, they all were on the same page about how exactly to go about the c-section. Remember, I can't have a spinal block, epidural, and I cannot labor. They all said general anesthesia. Even though 5 of them had the same plan, I had to wait for the chair board doctor (some fancy title) basically, she over sees all the anesthesiologists! I had to wait to talk to her personally. She came straight from the OR to see me. So then I had to wait, and talk with her for forever. She said the same thing! General anesthesia! She gave me her personal cell phone number in case I have any questions, fears, or concerns. That was reassuring, but still a bad situation.
The hardest part about general anesthesia is that Ryan cannot be in the OR. The surgery will take an hour. I will go in clear-headed. I will not have any drugs or anything down to the point where everyone in the room checks off with "I'm ready", and the doctor is standing over me with the scalpel. Then I'll be "put out". She said it will be a scary situation because I'll feel like everyone is ready but me. I appreciate the warning of it though. I think that will really help! Anyway, I just came to terms with having a C-section, now I have to have this put on top of it. The worst part is that Ryan is so upset about it. He's sad he won't be in the room, see him, cut his cord, etc. He won't see the birth of his only child. It breaks my heart. He kept saying "I'll be ok, if it's better for both of you then I'll be ok." But, that changed when I called him and told him that, that was the plan and it's set in stone, he changed his mind. He just keeps talking about it. I feel so bad. If both of us are ok after surgery, he can come with us in recovery. If not, then he can't, he has to wait. My family other than Ryan has to wait until I'm out of recovery and back in my room. That could take 2 hours +. I really don't want a lot of people there. I'd prefer just Ryan. He doesn't get to be in the room and I won't even be awake, so I want him and I to have as much alone time with OUR son as possible. But, I know that isn't going to happen. I know there will be tons of family there. I'm not sure how to tell them no, so I guess I'll just deal with it.
My appointment yesterday went excellent. All the doctors said I was doing beautifully. I do not have Pre-E. I have the diagnosis of "gestational hypertension". I'll be followed closely on that. My blood sugars are great. Max's biophysical profile went great! Our little man is perfect! As of now my doctors have no worries that we will make it to our due date of April 1st. I'm optimistic that we will too. I'm doing everything I can to insure that he stays put! It was one of the best appointments I've had this entire pregnancy. One other good note, is that surprisingly my kidneys are better now than they ever have been. No one is sure how or why this happened, but aren't we thankful! I'm so happy!
That's all the medical junk I have for you!
Until Next Time...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Updates From Tuesday's Appointments...
Well, it's Thursday! I guess I can finally update on my appointments from Tuesday. I had 3. I was at the hospital from 10:45 A.M. until 3:30 P.M. Such a long day!
First off was my neurology appointment. Dr. Nicholas said that I had been diagnosed correctly in 2006, I do in fact have Arnold Chiari malformation of the brain. He had a medical student with him, she first did my physical exam and told him that everything was "normal". He freaked out on her. "No way! There is NO way!" He went through the physical exam again himself. I have sensory loss in both my hands and feet. By that I mean, I can't tell how cold or hot something is, or how painful or dull something is, or the texture really (if it's hard or soft like cotton). I can tell if I'm looking at it, but not when my eyes are closed. He also used a tuning fork to test if I could feel the vibration. I told him it had stopped well before it actually had. Ryan said it was vibrating so much, the doctor's finger was moving, and I had thought it had stopped completely. This happened in both hands and feet. He tried to check for balance, but with me being so pregnant, he couldn't really tell if I was off balance due to my brain, or my huge belly. haha. My eyes look fine, and my mental aptitude was great. I'm on the upper scale of people that can spell things backwards, remember sequences, and do math in my head. SHEW! That was relieving! He kept saying he's never seen someone like me. He has 2 patients that have Arnold Chiari that he treats. One does medication to relieve the headaches from it, and one had surgery. He said he doesn't know what to do with me because I do have diabetes. The symptoms like sensory loss could be from either my brain or my diabetes. He actually used Google and PubMed websites to try and find a case study like me. NOTHING came up. So his words of advice were-- to have a c-section. The kicker is that I'm not allowed to have an epidural or spinal block. I'll have to have my cesarean section under general anesthesia. This bothers me because I won't be able to see Max until I wake up, and depending on the doctor Ryan may not be permitted to be in the operating room with me. These two things plague me. I know it's better than my alternative... which could be paralyzation from the spinal block, epidural, or pushing for vaginal birth. So, it's my only option but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. His other words of wisdom were to monitor my symptoms closely if anything changes call him immediately or go the ER, and if there is any trauma or injury to my neck or back to go straight to the hospital as well. The smallest thing could make my brain descend further and then I'll need surgery. He also referred me to a neuro surgeon to get a 2nd opinion on having surgery to correct it. He said no need for surgery now, but he can't make the decision by himself. So, now I'm waiting on THAT appointment. I'm hoping they'll say the same, if I can deal with my symptoms, then I don't need brain surgery right now. That was about it, I think... My favorite quote from him was, "we can't pretend you're normal...you're far from that..."
2nd appointment was the regular, weekly appointment at the High Risk Clinic. My blood sugars have been insanely low @ 3 a.m. Last week they were concerned because my morning blood sugars were 80-100, and they want me to wake up at 60! So they increased my bedtime insulin dosage. Well, that caused me to be low at 3 A.M. I know it was the cause because in the weeks prior I didn't have the lows. Two nights it was so low my machine wouldn't read it, it just read "LO", and the rest of the nights they were 22-35. But, they couldn't make a mistake you know. The team of doctors came in and said it wasn't the insulin, and they would not take it back down. Apparently I'm not taking as much insulin as I should be considering how much I weigh and how far along I am in pregnancy. Well, who are they judging me against? This isn't my "technical" body weight. I'm not normally this big! And it's apparent I'm taking TOO MUCH insulin for MY body because I have at least 2+ lows a day. So, anyway they blamed my diet. I need more protein. hah. At bed time they want me to eat a whole meat sandwich. I don't like meat, and when I said that Dr. Evans said, "Well, I don't care what you don't like, it's what you're going to have to do." Awesome right? Then, because I kept saying I eat as much protein as I can get in due to the fact that I'm not a meat eater, I was forced to talk to a dietitian AGAIN. And again she said, I don't know why they keep telling me talk to you, you have a very well-balanced diet considering your food allergies and lack meat eating. So she told me just to eat more high-fiber carbs as a replacement to adding more protein. Anyways, I did none of that, I went back to my old dose of insulin at bedtime, and that fixed it. So, I'm still upset that nothing I say ever gets heard, and what they say is basically retarded. But, that's a whole different story... BUT, my blood pressure was back down again! Ryan and I were so relieved! I'm currently waiting results from my 24-hr urine collection, and blood work on my liver, kidneys, and CBCs.
3rd appointment was a Biophysical ultrasound to see how Monster Max is growing. He's doing great! Very active! He's in the 47th percentile as far as his growth. He's a little over 3lbs now. He has mommy's plump lips! and daddy's penis! hahaha. His lips are HUGE. He looks very much like a monkey. And he kept moving them, already a talker! So, they have no qualms about him and his growth. He's a piece of perfection!
That's all the info I got from Tuesday. I'm sure I missed some stuff here and there but I was on information overload. I'm still trying to sort through it all myself. I have an NST and appointment with the anesthesiologist tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Until next time...
First off was my neurology appointment. Dr. Nicholas said that I had been diagnosed correctly in 2006, I do in fact have Arnold Chiari malformation of the brain. He had a medical student with him, she first did my physical exam and told him that everything was "normal". He freaked out on her. "No way! There is NO way!" He went through the physical exam again himself. I have sensory loss in both my hands and feet. By that I mean, I can't tell how cold or hot something is, or how painful or dull something is, or the texture really (if it's hard or soft like cotton). I can tell if I'm looking at it, but not when my eyes are closed. He also used a tuning fork to test if I could feel the vibration. I told him it had stopped well before it actually had. Ryan said it was vibrating so much, the doctor's finger was moving, and I had thought it had stopped completely. This happened in both hands and feet. He tried to check for balance, but with me being so pregnant, he couldn't really tell if I was off balance due to my brain, or my huge belly. haha. My eyes look fine, and my mental aptitude was great. I'm on the upper scale of people that can spell things backwards, remember sequences, and do math in my head. SHEW! That was relieving! He kept saying he's never seen someone like me. He has 2 patients that have Arnold Chiari that he treats. One does medication to relieve the headaches from it, and one had surgery. He said he doesn't know what to do with me because I do have diabetes. The symptoms like sensory loss could be from either my brain or my diabetes. He actually used Google and PubMed websites to try and find a case study like me. NOTHING came up. So his words of advice were-- to have a c-section. The kicker is that I'm not allowed to have an epidural or spinal block. I'll have to have my cesarean section under general anesthesia. This bothers me because I won't be able to see Max until I wake up, and depending on the doctor Ryan may not be permitted to be in the operating room with me. These two things plague me. I know it's better than my alternative... which could be paralyzation from the spinal block, epidural, or pushing for vaginal birth. So, it's my only option but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. His other words of wisdom were to monitor my symptoms closely if anything changes call him immediately or go the ER, and if there is any trauma or injury to my neck or back to go straight to the hospital as well. The smallest thing could make my brain descend further and then I'll need surgery. He also referred me to a neuro surgeon to get a 2nd opinion on having surgery to correct it. He said no need for surgery now, but he can't make the decision by himself. So, now I'm waiting on THAT appointment. I'm hoping they'll say the same, if I can deal with my symptoms, then I don't need brain surgery right now. That was about it, I think... My favorite quote from him was, "we can't pretend you're normal...you're far from that..."
2nd appointment was the regular, weekly appointment at the High Risk Clinic. My blood sugars have been insanely low @ 3 a.m. Last week they were concerned because my morning blood sugars were 80-100, and they want me to wake up at 60! So they increased my bedtime insulin dosage. Well, that caused me to be low at 3 A.M. I know it was the cause because in the weeks prior I didn't have the lows. Two nights it was so low my machine wouldn't read it, it just read "LO", and the rest of the nights they were 22-35. But, they couldn't make a mistake you know. The team of doctors came in and said it wasn't the insulin, and they would not take it back down. Apparently I'm not taking as much insulin as I should be considering how much I weigh and how far along I am in pregnancy. Well, who are they judging me against? This isn't my "technical" body weight. I'm not normally this big! And it's apparent I'm taking TOO MUCH insulin for MY body because I have at least 2+ lows a day. So, anyway they blamed my diet. I need more protein. hah. At bed time they want me to eat a whole meat sandwich. I don't like meat, and when I said that Dr. Evans said, "Well, I don't care what you don't like, it's what you're going to have to do." Awesome right? Then, because I kept saying I eat as much protein as I can get in due to the fact that I'm not a meat eater, I was forced to talk to a dietitian AGAIN. And again she said, I don't know why they keep telling me talk to you, you have a very well-balanced diet considering your food allergies and lack meat eating. So she told me just to eat more high-fiber carbs as a replacement to adding more protein. Anyways, I did none of that, I went back to my old dose of insulin at bedtime, and that fixed it. So, I'm still upset that nothing I say ever gets heard, and what they say is basically retarded. But, that's a whole different story... BUT, my blood pressure was back down again! Ryan and I were so relieved! I'm currently waiting results from my 24-hr urine collection, and blood work on my liver, kidneys, and CBCs.
3rd appointment was a Biophysical ultrasound to see how Monster Max is growing. He's doing great! Very active! He's in the 47th percentile as far as his growth. He's a little over 3lbs now. He has mommy's plump lips! and daddy's penis! hahaha. His lips are HUGE. He looks very much like a monkey. And he kept moving them, already a talker! So, they have no qualms about him and his growth. He's a piece of perfection!
That's all the info I got from Tuesday. I'm sure I missed some stuff here and there but I was on information overload. I'm still trying to sort through it all myself. I have an NST and appointment with the anesthesiologist tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Until next time...
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I got my sane back!
After last week, I seriously thought I was going to have a mental break down. I was beyond stressed. Don't stress, I know it's bad for the baby! But, one can only take SO much before panic sets in. My husband was there to calm me down. He's the only person that did. Deep down I know he's still just as worried as I am about our baby Max, and my own health, but he just says, "it's going to be ok." and "don't worry." He's been my rock.
So, I went for my non stress test on Friday afternoon. Mr. Max is doing great in there! He moved a lot more in 20 minutes than he "had to". And his heart rate was good! My blood pressure was still elevated. I got a little worried, but the nurse, said "it's ok, we'll let the drs Tuesday take care of that. It's not really that high." NST's are scheduled for me and the little man every Friday from now until April 1st at 1p.m. The nurse was very honest with me and said that I should probably come every week prepared to stay. She said most of her T1 diabetics usually end up staying when they come in for an NST. I wasn't scared, I was greatful that she enlightened me! From now on I'll have a bag in my car, just in case. It'd drive me crazy to not have the things I wanted. It'd take Ryan weeks to bring me all the right things from home to the hospital. haha.
After the NST I went over for my MRI. I have Arnold Chiari malformation of the brain. Basically, the part of the skull that has a hole in order for the spinal cord to come up and connect, well my brain is crowding down, and putting pressure on my spine. The MRI is to make sure that it hasn't gotten any worse in the past few years. I have my neurology appointment on Tuesday at 11:30a.m. to see what's up. I'm crossing my fingers and praying that it hasn't changed! This coming Friday I also have an appointment with the anesthesiologist to "make a game plan" for anesthesia for me. They have to take into consideration my brain. So, I'll update about that too!
Every Tuesday from now on I'll have an ultrasound to check on Max, and then my regular visit at the high risk clinic. Then Fridays are the NSTs. Twice a week I'll be gracing UC with my presence! I'll take it over staying there! I'm preparing myself for that day where they won't let me go home though. And even that's ok, as long as it helps keep Max healthy.
That's enough of that! Today I had a splendid day. Like, so good it was eerie. I had several posts on FB wall all very nice things were said. I got a hair cut! My mom and I went thrifting for things for the tea party! I got some awesome deals! After that she took me shopping! She bought me some new pants, a shirt, boots, and sunglasses. When Ryan got home he took me out to Olive Garden! We waited 50 minutes, but it was the best food I've had in forever! So worth the wait! haha. Then I got some more stuff for the baby shower, as well as 2 new outfits for Max! I just finished stuffing all the favors before I started this blog! And I've typed out a cute thank you to go in them. Tomorrow makes ONE week until my tea party baby shower, and I can not put into words how excited I am! It's going to be a lovely afternoon with my dear friends. I'm just so excited! That's all I have for now!
Until next time...
So, I went for my non stress test on Friday afternoon. Mr. Max is doing great in there! He moved a lot more in 20 minutes than he "had to". And his heart rate was good! My blood pressure was still elevated. I got a little worried, but the nurse, said "it's ok, we'll let the drs Tuesday take care of that. It's not really that high." NST's are scheduled for me and the little man every Friday from now until April 1st at 1p.m. The nurse was very honest with me and said that I should probably come every week prepared to stay. She said most of her T1 diabetics usually end up staying when they come in for an NST. I wasn't scared, I was greatful that she enlightened me! From now on I'll have a bag in my car, just in case. It'd drive me crazy to not have the things I wanted. It'd take Ryan weeks to bring me all the right things from home to the hospital. haha.
After the NST I went over for my MRI. I have Arnold Chiari malformation of the brain. Basically, the part of the skull that has a hole in order for the spinal cord to come up and connect, well my brain is crowding down, and putting pressure on my spine. The MRI is to make sure that it hasn't gotten any worse in the past few years. I have my neurology appointment on Tuesday at 11:30a.m. to see what's up. I'm crossing my fingers and praying that it hasn't changed! This coming Friday I also have an appointment with the anesthesiologist to "make a game plan" for anesthesia for me. They have to take into consideration my brain. So, I'll update about that too!
Every Tuesday from now on I'll have an ultrasound to check on Max, and then my regular visit at the high risk clinic. Then Fridays are the NSTs. Twice a week I'll be gracing UC with my presence! I'll take it over staying there! I'm preparing myself for that day where they won't let me go home though. And even that's ok, as long as it helps keep Max healthy.
That's enough of that! Today I had a splendid day. Like, so good it was eerie. I had several posts on FB wall all very nice things were said. I got a hair cut! My mom and I went thrifting for things for the tea party! I got some awesome deals! After that she took me shopping! She bought me some new pants, a shirt, boots, and sunglasses. When Ryan got home he took me out to Olive Garden! We waited 50 minutes, but it was the best food I've had in forever! So worth the wait! haha. Then I got some more stuff for the baby shower, as well as 2 new outfits for Max! I just finished stuffing all the favors before I started this blog! And I've typed out a cute thank you to go in them. Tomorrow makes ONE week until my tea party baby shower, and I can not put into words how excited I am! It's going to be a lovely afternoon with my dear friends. I'm just so excited! That's all I have for now!
Until next time...
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Losing my mind
Today was one of the most stressful days I've had in a long time. It may not have seemed that way to others, but I was (and still am) losing my mind. It wasn't supposed to be so bad. As we're all very aware, I'm doing my best at this. Or at least, trying my best! Any ways, today I kind of felt like I've been wasting my time even trying...
First off, I had an opthalmology appointment @ 10 A.M. The dr kept asking me why my forms said "urgent". I told him I wasn't sure, I had just had my yearly work up last April, and wasn't yet due again. Everything in 2010 was perfect, exact words of the dr "by your eyes I couldn't even tell you're diabetic." He asked how my blood sugars have been, I said the best they've ever been, which is the truth! My hemoglobin A1c is 6.2, probably even lower now, because I have even better control. He said that he'd be surprised if he found anything wrong with my eyes, but dilated them any way. 40 minutes later I was back in the chair. He shines the big light in them for all of a minute, and ends with "well, I see diabetic changes for sure. I need to see you back in 6 months." I was shocked. SHOCKED! I asked what could I do to fix or prevent anything worse. He said, "control your blood sugars. Control your blood pressure. Be healthy. See you in 6 months." And then told me I could exit and make the next appointment at the front desk. I've never had anything wrong with my eyes other than my horrible vision. Which, is not due to diabetes. I've never had "diabetic changes". I'm so terrified. I've been doing much better controlling the blood sugars since last year, hence why we've even been blessed with Max. So, I don't know how this could be! I went from perfect eyes, to "diabetic eyes" in a mere 9 months? Scary stuff. That and the fact that 88% of T1 diabetics go blind in their life time... Well needless to say, I'm stressed. I'm going to make an appointment with my normal eye dr who I've seen for the past 14 years, Dr. Kode. I know I'm coming up on my 15 year anniversary of having diabetes, and there's bound to be complications at some point, but nothing can prepare you for when those actually start to arise. I'm just trying to keep positive thoughts for now.
2nd bad part of my day, the OB appointment in the diabetes clinic. My blood pressure was high for the 3rd week in a row. 143/84 to be exact. I've never had this problem until recently. Actually up until 3 weeks ago, my blood pressure has always been low. So, now I have to do another 24-hour urine test, and mass blood work ups. I asked how I could correct this, they said "try diet & exercise". Well, that's hilarious, because YOU told me to stop exercising! If I hadn't would I be in this position right now? Good thing I've added a light workout routine back into my life recently! The diet I'm not worried about, I do have a well balanced diet. I'm just scared. I don't want to develop pre-eclampsia, or have this affect my son. I'm going to do whatever necessary to try and keep it down. No salt, more water, exercise, and try my best to keep the stress level down. Aside from worrying about my eyes and the blood pressure, I also got REAMED for my blood sugars today. I'm not doing anything I'm supposed to, says my drs. But, in reality I am. I'm not sure if it's because they see so many women who don't do what their supposed to, that they just assume none of us do, or what the issue is. But week after week of bashing me for not doing right, when I am is wearing me down. I see why, if you didn't have a conscience that you wouldn't do the crazy things they expect. I do though, have a conscience, and a bonafide love for my son, so I follow everything.
We were at the hospital today from 9:45A.M. to 4:15 P.M. I was so glad to get out of there , but it left a lot to think about. It's still lingering. I'm still upset. I've kept it to myself, but really I want to crawl under a rock and just hide for a little bit. I can do this though, tomorrow I'll be in a better mind set. I'll have had time to evaluate everything. I just need to cut out the sodium, increase the exercise, and down grade the stress. The stress will be the hardest. Especially with everything that's going on right now. To escape it would be a Houdini move. I'm going to try my best though! Don't sweat the small stuff, right?
Sorry for the boo hoo posting, I just needed to write it out.
Until next time...
First off, I had an opthalmology appointment @ 10 A.M. The dr kept asking me why my forms said "urgent". I told him I wasn't sure, I had just had my yearly work up last April, and wasn't yet due again. Everything in 2010 was perfect, exact words of the dr "by your eyes I couldn't even tell you're diabetic." He asked how my blood sugars have been, I said the best they've ever been, which is the truth! My hemoglobin A1c is 6.2, probably even lower now, because I have even better control. He said that he'd be surprised if he found anything wrong with my eyes, but dilated them any way. 40 minutes later I was back in the chair. He shines the big light in them for all of a minute, and ends with "well, I see diabetic changes for sure. I need to see you back in 6 months." I was shocked. SHOCKED! I asked what could I do to fix or prevent anything worse. He said, "control your blood sugars. Control your blood pressure. Be healthy. See you in 6 months." And then told me I could exit and make the next appointment at the front desk. I've never had anything wrong with my eyes other than my horrible vision. Which, is not due to diabetes. I've never had "diabetic changes". I'm so terrified. I've been doing much better controlling the blood sugars since last year, hence why we've even been blessed with Max. So, I don't know how this could be! I went from perfect eyes, to "diabetic eyes" in a mere 9 months? Scary stuff. That and the fact that 88% of T1 diabetics go blind in their life time... Well needless to say, I'm stressed. I'm going to make an appointment with my normal eye dr who I've seen for the past 14 years, Dr. Kode. I know I'm coming up on my 15 year anniversary of having diabetes, and there's bound to be complications at some point, but nothing can prepare you for when those actually start to arise. I'm just trying to keep positive thoughts for now.
2nd bad part of my day, the OB appointment in the diabetes clinic. My blood pressure was high for the 3rd week in a row. 143/84 to be exact. I've never had this problem until recently. Actually up until 3 weeks ago, my blood pressure has always been low. So, now I have to do another 24-hour urine test, and mass blood work ups. I asked how I could correct this, they said "try diet & exercise". Well, that's hilarious, because YOU told me to stop exercising! If I hadn't would I be in this position right now? Good thing I've added a light workout routine back into my life recently! The diet I'm not worried about, I do have a well balanced diet. I'm just scared. I don't want to develop pre-eclampsia, or have this affect my son. I'm going to do whatever necessary to try and keep it down. No salt, more water, exercise, and try my best to keep the stress level down. Aside from worrying about my eyes and the blood pressure, I also got REAMED for my blood sugars today. I'm not doing anything I'm supposed to, says my drs. But, in reality I am. I'm not sure if it's because they see so many women who don't do what their supposed to, that they just assume none of us do, or what the issue is. But week after week of bashing me for not doing right, when I am is wearing me down. I see why, if you didn't have a conscience that you wouldn't do the crazy things they expect. I do though, have a conscience, and a bonafide love for my son, so I follow everything.
We were at the hospital today from 9:45A.M. to 4:15 P.M. I was so glad to get out of there , but it left a lot to think about. It's still lingering. I'm still upset. I've kept it to myself, but really I want to crawl under a rock and just hide for a little bit. I can do this though, tomorrow I'll be in a better mind set. I'll have had time to evaluate everything. I just need to cut out the sodium, increase the exercise, and down grade the stress. The stress will be the hardest. Especially with everything that's going on right now. To escape it would be a Houdini move. I'm going to try my best though! Don't sweat the small stuff, right?
Sorry for the boo hoo posting, I just needed to write it out.
Until next time...
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I do know me!
I do! I actually DO know me. I know my body. I know myself. That's been a hard thing to realize lately! For the past 28 weeks I've had teams of people telling me the exact opposite. "You don't know your body." "Pregnancy complicates things so much, you'll lose your self." I listened to them all. I let them get in my head. But, I'm back on track. I found me again.
I was supposed to be doing very little activity. "functional bed rest". I did that for a while, nothing was working with the blood sugars. It was up down, sideways, and in between. I even wore the CGM (continuous glucose monitor), that checked my blood sugar 252 times in a 24 hour period. They found NO patterns. I did their diet. I did what they asked. Still I lived in chaos. Finally, I said to myself, I'm going to do what I think I need to do. I took their structure and modified it to fit me. I researched nutrition. I'm doing things they don't approve of, but they seem to be working well.
It's been almost 2 weeks of solid "good" blood sugars. Yes, I've still had some lows, but even those in the past 3 days are scarce. I even added in some light exercise. I feel wonderful. I'm so glad I did this. I'm bummed that I let these doctors tell me I didn't know my body. Of course I do, I have to. Being a diabetic, all you can do is listen and know your body, in order to keep going. Needless to say, tonight I'm happy that MJ is back. I know me, it shows. My numbers are good. My mentality is solid. My body is "getting there". I have 11 more weeks to keep this child in, to make sure he's safe. I'm going to do it. I should of done this a long time ago, but better late than never they say.
I'm even to the point where it doesn't make me cringe at the thought of trying for another one. I know in my heart I've changed my life around. By that I mean, even after delivery of my healthy son, I'll continue to live a healthy lifestyle. I'll listen to my doctors, and I'll show them that they should listen to me as well. I'm not saying any time soon, or ever for that matter will there be a 2nd Jordan spawn, but I will say that the thought of it DOES NOT scare me anymore.
I better get off here and hit the hay, I've got to be up at 6:30A.M. tomorrow for a date with some cardio. ;)
Until next time loves!
I was supposed to be doing very little activity. "functional bed rest". I did that for a while, nothing was working with the blood sugars. It was up down, sideways, and in between. I even wore the CGM (continuous glucose monitor), that checked my blood sugar 252 times in a 24 hour period. They found NO patterns. I did their diet. I did what they asked. Still I lived in chaos. Finally, I said to myself, I'm going to do what I think I need to do. I took their structure and modified it to fit me. I researched nutrition. I'm doing things they don't approve of, but they seem to be working well.
It's been almost 2 weeks of solid "good" blood sugars. Yes, I've still had some lows, but even those in the past 3 days are scarce. I even added in some light exercise. I feel wonderful. I'm so glad I did this. I'm bummed that I let these doctors tell me I didn't know my body. Of course I do, I have to. Being a diabetic, all you can do is listen and know your body, in order to keep going. Needless to say, tonight I'm happy that MJ is back. I know me, it shows. My numbers are good. My mentality is solid. My body is "getting there". I have 11 more weeks to keep this child in, to make sure he's safe. I'm going to do it. I should of done this a long time ago, but better late than never they say.
I'm even to the point where it doesn't make me cringe at the thought of trying for another one. I know in my heart I've changed my life around. By that I mean, even after delivery of my healthy son, I'll continue to live a healthy lifestyle. I'll listen to my doctors, and I'll show them that they should listen to me as well. I'm not saying any time soon, or ever for that matter will there be a 2nd Jordan spawn, but I will say that the thought of it DOES NOT scare me anymore.
I better get off here and hit the hay, I've got to be up at 6:30A.M. tomorrow for a date with some cardio. ;)
Until next time loves!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Victory! Then DEFEAT.
I guess I do have a lot to write about, and at the same time, I really don't. I write about the same stuff, every time. I'm sure you're just as bored reading it, as I am writing it. But, writing all this helps me cope and deal with completely changing my life. It keeps me going. When I put it in writing (or typing) it finally sinks in that I AM doing the right things.
So, anyway, the "let's be a healthy diabetic" mission, is still on going. I'm still doing everything I'm supposed to. Yesterday, my sugars were spot on ALL day. Not one high, and just one low. Other than the low, I was banging out awesome numbers. I'm elated. FINALLY, after all this hard work, I have proof that I can do this. Then today came around, and I woke up high? And have had low lows ever since. hah. My victory was short lived, but it has put me in an even better mind set. It's feasible to have "normal" blood sugars. I'm just going to continue to do what I'm doing. It will work itself out, as long as I continue to try my hardest.
Ryan went to see Dr. Meier yesterday. His cardiologist that placed his Aortic graft. Good news, the heart, the graft is all A-ok. Bionic man doesn't have anything to worry about there. Bad news: the blood flow to the left arm, is getting worse. Even worser news, no surgery. He can't have surgery because he doesn't have insurance. He's an idioso, and dropped it a few months prior to his accident. Good job, Ryan! ;) Any way, the hospital says they won't allow it because he already has an outstanding bill. We'd have to come up with half of the 50k that it's going to take to do the surgery, as a deposit. This surgery wouldn't be necessary if his team of drs had done the bi-pass the LAST time. Instead they went in through the arm and placed stints in his shoulder. The words that I hated to hear most was Dr. Meier saying, "well, I figured they wouldn't work. But, I had to at least try. That way never works though. If we get to do this bi-pass through the neck, it WILL work." Ryan was just as irritated, his response, "well, yeah sure why not try it. It was only a $45 thousand dollar trial and error." Dr. Meier laughed, I know, but we have to see what works and what doesn't. Well, if you have a plan that works, why not save everyone time and money and use THAT way? Our only two options are to plead with the UC financial board that this surgery is needed and should be considered "post trauma". If they refuse to help us, then we're going to have to be sneaky. I'm not allowed to talk about how we'd do this, Dr. Meier assured us this surgery will be taking place. With or without the help of UC. I mean, he's not going to do it in his basement, or anything absurd like that! Just we'll have to pull some trickery to get him in the hospital's doors. Once in, he can proceed with the surgery. My husband WILL have this surgery. His arm is constantly cold. Like 60 degrees, 80 on a good day! His arm is always, always tired. When taking a shower, he has to take breaks, because it wears it out so fast just showering that he can barely move it. This affects his way of life. I can't imagine how he gets through a day of work. I mean, he's a diesel mechanic! All he does is use his hands and arms, and on ginormous trucks and parts. Plus, I want him to be able to do normal things with his son. Hold him, feed him, play with him. So, one way or another this surgery WILL happen. I don't even feel bad if we have to lie to get him into the hospital to get the surgery. They did this, they should fix it. I think it's appalling that they wouldn't even care. And they don't. Obviously. I have an amazingly strong husband. I'm thankful for that.
That's all the bull crap I have to share.
Until Next Time...
So, anyway, the "let's be a healthy diabetic" mission, is still on going. I'm still doing everything I'm supposed to. Yesterday, my sugars were spot on ALL day. Not one high, and just one low. Other than the low, I was banging out awesome numbers. I'm elated. FINALLY, after all this hard work, I have proof that I can do this. Then today came around, and I woke up high? And have had low lows ever since. hah. My victory was short lived, but it has put me in an even better mind set. It's feasible to have "normal" blood sugars. I'm just going to continue to do what I'm doing. It will work itself out, as long as I continue to try my hardest.
Ryan went to see Dr. Meier yesterday. His cardiologist that placed his Aortic graft. Good news, the heart, the graft is all A-ok. Bionic man doesn't have anything to worry about there. Bad news: the blood flow to the left arm, is getting worse. Even worser news, no surgery. He can't have surgery because he doesn't have insurance. He's an idioso, and dropped it a few months prior to his accident. Good job, Ryan! ;) Any way, the hospital says they won't allow it because he already has an outstanding bill. We'd have to come up with half of the 50k that it's going to take to do the surgery, as a deposit. This surgery wouldn't be necessary if his team of drs had done the bi-pass the LAST time. Instead they went in through the arm and placed stints in his shoulder. The words that I hated to hear most was Dr. Meier saying, "well, I figured they wouldn't work. But, I had to at least try. That way never works though. If we get to do this bi-pass through the neck, it WILL work." Ryan was just as irritated, his response, "well, yeah sure why not try it. It was only a $45 thousand dollar trial and error." Dr. Meier laughed, I know, but we have to see what works and what doesn't. Well, if you have a plan that works, why not save everyone time and money and use THAT way? Our only two options are to plead with the UC financial board that this surgery is needed and should be considered "post trauma". If they refuse to help us, then we're going to have to be sneaky. I'm not allowed to talk about how we'd do this, Dr. Meier assured us this surgery will be taking place. With or without the help of UC. I mean, he's not going to do it in his basement, or anything absurd like that! Just we'll have to pull some trickery to get him in the hospital's doors. Once in, he can proceed with the surgery. My husband WILL have this surgery. His arm is constantly cold. Like 60 degrees, 80 on a good day! His arm is always, always tired. When taking a shower, he has to take breaks, because it wears it out so fast just showering that he can barely move it. This affects his way of life. I can't imagine how he gets through a day of work. I mean, he's a diesel mechanic! All he does is use his hands and arms, and on ginormous trucks and parts. Plus, I want him to be able to do normal things with his son. Hold him, feed him, play with him. So, one way or another this surgery WILL happen. I don't even feel bad if we have to lie to get him into the hospital to get the surgery. They did this, they should fix it. I think it's appalling that they wouldn't even care. And they don't. Obviously. I have an amazingly strong husband. I'm thankful for that.
That's all the bull crap I have to share.
Until Next Time...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Tomorrow Is Another Tuesday...
Tuesday's seem to put a damper on my whole mentality. I'm not sure why really. I mean I "like" my new clinic and doctors. They're much better than Good Sam, but still I dread Tuesdays. I'm not totally in control. I try my damn hardest, but I still have roller coaster blood sugars.
Last week Dr. Wang said, you know we can see that you're trying your very best here. Maybe this is just you- maybe you're just that brittle and sensitive. Lows and highs are normal for you. We're going to try to tweak it so they're not so bad, but I think all of us are doing everything we can here. Don't get discouraged. That was the best thing I've ever heard. To be honest, this HAS always been me-- up and down, up and down. Well, technically, I go down so much, the highs I have are all rebounds from the lows. My lows are not normal, like today before lunch my blood sugar was 20! I was fully functioning and aware! Yes, at 20 I was "normal". It's insane, but I'm so low so frequently, they don't really bother me very much. The highs I experience are simply rebounds. My body is in a state of panic, so it keeps everything that I eat, and keeps my blood sugar high. They're very rarely in the 200's. That makes me happy. Under 200 is ok! I mean some people's "highs" are 350+. So, maybe, just maybe this IS normal for me. You know, nothing is better working than the human body. The insulin I take from a vial, via suringe is NOT what God had planned. So, I can see why it wouldn't work as well. I mean, to me it's understandable that it wouldn't work in a way we'd all want it to in a dreamland. It's man made, not natural; Its being used in a natural being, there are bound to be some quarrels between the two.
I do have an insulin pump. It's still tucked away in the box it showed up at my house in. I haven't gotten it out to look at it or anything. I don't want to. I don't want to rent an insulin pump. If I'm going to have one, I want it to be MINE, and I want to use it forever. Therefore, I've made the decision NOT to use it. I feel like it will make me lazy. I've been a lazy diabetic for years and years and years. I'm finally on the right path now. I mean, I just started this strict journey on Dec 15th 2010. I don't want to go back the other way, I cringe at the thought of knowing that freedom. I KNOW I'll take it to my full advantage. It wouldn't really be my advantage, but I'd see it that way. I'm going to continue to follow a strict schedule, insulin dosage, and diet to help control my diabetes. Maybe one day when I can afford it, I'll have the pump. Maybe by the time that day comes, I'll be so used to living a healthy diabetic life style, that I won't take the freedom a pump provides for granted. I'm content with my decision. It's the best for me. Sometimes you just have to trust your gut. I'm trusting mine now.
I'm proud to say that I've been working my butt off for the past month to rebuild my life. I see no end in sight, which is a good thing. I'm going to continue on my path of righteousness. That's the best I can do.
In other, more funner news, the planning of the tea party baby shower is going splendidly! I am so excited. I'm a lover of anything vintage. My mom and I spent a good part of the day in a few thrift shops! We bought 5 bags full of cups and saucers, a Japanese tea set, and a whole set of vintage dishes that also came with tea cups. To boot, everything was 30% off! So we ending up getting 5 over flowing bags of glasswares for practically nothing! All my new found treasures are going to be my decor in my kitchen/dining room in our new place. We don't have a new place, but soon! 12 weeks until Max is here, a few weeks to recover, and I should be good to go as far as needing help. Then we can move out of my parent's house, and back on our own! Ahhh, it'll be great. I also bought a very special tea cup and saucer for myself for the baby shower, it says "mother". It was a little pricey for a tea cup, but worth every penny! My husband spoils me rotten. He's already said twice tonight, that now I'll need a China cabinet. I love him, dearly. And Max is doing good! He's constantly beating me up. I never get mad, it's so relieving to me to have him move. It's the same feeling for Ryan too! Whenever possible I let him feel, and he gets the biggest smile on his face, and usually kisses the little man. I have a feeling I'm in for the best years of my life soon enough!
My tea cup... LOVE IT!
That's all I have for now!
Until next time...
Last week Dr. Wang said, you know we can see that you're trying your very best here. Maybe this is just you- maybe you're just that brittle and sensitive. Lows and highs are normal for you. We're going to try to tweak it so they're not so bad, but I think all of us are doing everything we can here. Don't get discouraged. That was the best thing I've ever heard. To be honest, this HAS always been me-- up and down, up and down. Well, technically, I go down so much, the highs I have are all rebounds from the lows. My lows are not normal, like today before lunch my blood sugar was 20! I was fully functioning and aware! Yes, at 20 I was "normal". It's insane, but I'm so low so frequently, they don't really bother me very much. The highs I experience are simply rebounds. My body is in a state of panic, so it keeps everything that I eat, and keeps my blood sugar high. They're very rarely in the 200's. That makes me happy. Under 200 is ok! I mean some people's "highs" are 350+. So, maybe, just maybe this IS normal for me. You know, nothing is better working than the human body. The insulin I take from a vial, via suringe is NOT what God had planned. So, I can see why it wouldn't work as well. I mean, to me it's understandable that it wouldn't work in a way we'd all want it to in a dreamland. It's man made, not natural; Its being used in a natural being, there are bound to be some quarrels between the two.
I do have an insulin pump. It's still tucked away in the box it showed up at my house in. I haven't gotten it out to look at it or anything. I don't want to. I don't want to rent an insulin pump. If I'm going to have one, I want it to be MINE, and I want to use it forever. Therefore, I've made the decision NOT to use it. I feel like it will make me lazy. I've been a lazy diabetic for years and years and years. I'm finally on the right path now. I mean, I just started this strict journey on Dec 15th 2010. I don't want to go back the other way, I cringe at the thought of knowing that freedom. I KNOW I'll take it to my full advantage. It wouldn't really be my advantage, but I'd see it that way. I'm going to continue to follow a strict schedule, insulin dosage, and diet to help control my diabetes. Maybe one day when I can afford it, I'll have the pump. Maybe by the time that day comes, I'll be so used to living a healthy diabetic life style, that I won't take the freedom a pump provides for granted. I'm content with my decision. It's the best for me. Sometimes you just have to trust your gut. I'm trusting mine now.
I'm proud to say that I've been working my butt off for the past month to rebuild my life. I see no end in sight, which is a good thing. I'm going to continue on my path of righteousness. That's the best I can do.
In other, more funner news, the planning of the tea party baby shower is going splendidly! I am so excited. I'm a lover of anything vintage. My mom and I spent a good part of the day in a few thrift shops! We bought 5 bags full of cups and saucers, a Japanese tea set, and a whole set of vintage dishes that also came with tea cups. To boot, everything was 30% off! So we ending up getting 5 over flowing bags of glasswares for practically nothing! All my new found treasures are going to be my decor in my kitchen/dining room in our new place. We don't have a new place, but soon! 12 weeks until Max is here, a few weeks to recover, and I should be good to go as far as needing help. Then we can move out of my parent's house, and back on our own! Ahhh, it'll be great. I also bought a very special tea cup and saucer for myself for the baby shower, it says "mother". It was a little pricey for a tea cup, but worth every penny! My husband spoils me rotten. He's already said twice tonight, that now I'll need a China cabinet. I love him, dearly. And Max is doing good! He's constantly beating me up. I never get mad, it's so relieving to me to have him move. It's the same feeling for Ryan too! Whenever possible I let him feel, and he gets the biggest smile on his face, and usually kisses the little man. I have a feeling I'm in for the best years of my life soon enough!
My tea cup... LOVE IT!
That's all I have for now!
Until next time...
Friday, January 7, 2011
Schedules+Structure=Stability.
I am currently living a lifestyle of what I like to call, S3 (S to the 3rd power). I'm not going to tell you it's been an easy transition, that would be a blue-faced lie. It's been the most challenging thing I've ever done. I can say that it's taken me a month since working with a my new health care team to get to where I am. I still have days where I want to pull my hair out rather than eat at a certain time, or cry because I cannot have Olive Garden (or the good stuff, as I like to call it), but it's becoming more and more effortless to just make the right choices. My schedule is strict, which doesn't allow for me to go out and about for too long, and definitely not for food (which is my favorite thing to do when "going out"). Luckily for me, fast food isn't something I'm interested in, or even care much for, so that has not been a big challenge. I like to go to nice, sit down restaurants, with scrumptious food! If there's one thing I'll throw down the mulah for, it's good food! hahaha. One day I'll be able to go out to eat more often, definitely not like we used to, but that'll just make it that much more special!
My alarm clock sounds a minimum of 7 times a day. I set it more if I'm going to nap, in attempt to keep my self alive, and beat the lows. It screams at me starting at 7:00 A.M., 10:00, 12:30 P.M., 4:00, 7:00, 10:00, and then lastly ending my night, or starting my next day depending on how you view it, at 3:00 A.M. I check my blood sugar a minimum of 10 times a day. I take a minimum of 4 shots a day. All food I ingest is measured out, counted, weighed etc.
As far as the food goes, the more I do the measuring the better I'm getting at just eye-balling it. I "eye-ball" it, then measure it to make double sure. Anal, I know, but this is my son's life on the line! I can't be too careful! The fact that I'm getting better, gives me high hopes that one day when I go into a restaurant and order, I'll be able to just look at my entree and have a good solid idea of how many carbs are in it, and how much insulin to take. I used to just draw up and shoot up, leaving me super high, or super low! So, there's another way I'll be a better diabetic after this experience.
I think this strict schedule and diet will help me lose all the weight after having Max too. Believe me, an extra 36lbs on me doesn't look good! lol. I'll eat the same, 6 meals a day, but definitely smaller portions for lunch and dinner. I hear everyone telling me "it's going to be so hard for you to lose the weight because of your diabetes and blood sugars" etc. In my head, I think hah, that's what YOU think. I've never been your typical over-weight diabetic. And I'm on a mission to get and stay healthy for my son! And to keep my husband's eyes on me. To stay a hot wife is the way to go! hahaha.
It's a great feeling know that my future is looking brighter everyday that I get used to my S3 lifestyle! I'm proud to say that I'm glad I went through all the ups and downs that I've had, and will continue to have during this pregnancy. It has made me see the light that I am now seeing-- a healthy life as a diabetic. Tomorrow will be better than today, and for that I'm thankful. I'm doing this for myself, for my son, my husband, my mom, and the rest of my family and friends. Mostly for myself and Max. I want to be there for my child, and see everything he will ever accomplish in his life. I know I put a big burden my family and friends. I'm trying to help alleviate that pain from them. It's taken me a long time, but people say better late than never right?
I think schedules, structure, and stability is just what I need. Free spirit or not, with these 3 things, I will be able to spread my wings and soar. I'll leave you with a quote that struck my whole being...
“Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.”
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Until Next Time...
My alarm clock sounds a minimum of 7 times a day. I set it more if I'm going to nap, in attempt to keep my self alive, and beat the lows. It screams at me starting at 7:00 A.M., 10:00, 12:30 P.M., 4:00, 7:00, 10:00, and then lastly ending my night, or starting my next day depending on how you view it, at 3:00 A.M. I check my blood sugar a minimum of 10 times a day. I take a minimum of 4 shots a day. All food I ingest is measured out, counted, weighed etc.
As far as the food goes, the more I do the measuring the better I'm getting at just eye-balling it. I "eye-ball" it, then measure it to make double sure. Anal, I know, but this is my son's life on the line! I can't be too careful! The fact that I'm getting better, gives me high hopes that one day when I go into a restaurant and order, I'll be able to just look at my entree and have a good solid idea of how many carbs are in it, and how much insulin to take. I used to just draw up and shoot up, leaving me super high, or super low! So, there's another way I'll be a better diabetic after this experience.
I think this strict schedule and diet will help me lose all the weight after having Max too. Believe me, an extra 36lbs on me doesn't look good! lol. I'll eat the same, 6 meals a day, but definitely smaller portions for lunch and dinner. I hear everyone telling me "it's going to be so hard for you to lose the weight because of your diabetes and blood sugars" etc. In my head, I think hah, that's what YOU think. I've never been your typical over-weight diabetic. And I'm on a mission to get and stay healthy for my son! And to keep my husband's eyes on me. To stay a hot wife is the way to go! hahaha.
It's a great feeling know that my future is looking brighter everyday that I get used to my S3 lifestyle! I'm proud to say that I'm glad I went through all the ups and downs that I've had, and will continue to have during this pregnancy. It has made me see the light that I am now seeing-- a healthy life as a diabetic. Tomorrow will be better than today, and for that I'm thankful. I'm doing this for myself, for my son, my husband, my mom, and the rest of my family and friends. Mostly for myself and Max. I want to be there for my child, and see everything he will ever accomplish in his life. I know I put a big burden my family and friends. I'm trying to help alleviate that pain from them. It's taken me a long time, but people say better late than never right?
I think schedules, structure, and stability is just what I need. Free spirit or not, with these 3 things, I will be able to spread my wings and soar. I'll leave you with a quote that struck my whole being...
“Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.”
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Until Next Time...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
My First Act Of Selfishness
This post will be about my first act of selfishness, as a mother. You can make whatever judgement you wish, but remember you're not in my shoes. You don't fully understand.
www.merriam-webster.com defines selfishness as follows: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others (a selfish act)
Tomorrow morning there will be a $6,000 bright purple, top of the line insulin pump on my door step waiting for me. I know, it sounds dreamy, but it's a huge predicament to say the least. The trouble is that I am 26 weeks + 1 day into my pregnancy. This pump is on "rental" until the end of my pregnancy. Therefore giving me only 12 weeks of freedom, give or take some. Then I'll have to return it. This is due to the fact that I don't have insurance. I do have CareSource, IF you want to call that insurance, you can, I won't. After I have the baby, I won't have even that any more, supposedly. My husband's work has Anthem, BUT that would take $189 out of each weekly check, plus for ONE YEAR I would have to pay in full for all diabetic supplies and diabetes related doctor visits. So, another closed door that is. We can't afford that.
My predicament is that I do not want to even open this, what I like to think of as a "life line", of a machine. I don't want to know this type of freedom, and have it ripped away. For the first time in my life I am actually caring for my diabetic body in a safe, and healthy way. I'm being meticulous about everything. I'm for once managing myself. My blog title is no longer a lie. The main problem was that I was diagnosed at 7. My parents got all sorts of training on how to manage diabetes. I was far too young to understand, and did not get the same classes and education. What I have learned I have picked up from watching my mom, reading blogs, etc. No professional has ever gone over how to manage my disorder. In the past few weeks since switching prenatal care to UC High Risk Clinic, they have taught me to "manage". I now have the best understanding I've ever had about my body and my life. To open, and use this pump would be the equivalent of having an epiphany, changing my life, then the pump would make my life even easier (almost as if I have a working pancreas), and then I would just be handed back every problem I've had since the age of 7. I feel to use it for 3 months, when I'm still learning to be a diabetic, would make me lazy. I'm fearful I'd forget how to do this on my own.
Tomorrow my plan is to call human resources and talk to my case worker. If there is a glimmer of hope that I can keep my insurance without drastic measures on my husband's and my part, I will use it. If there isn't I'm sending it back. I've spoken to my pump rep to see if I could keep this pump, and pay for it monthly myself. She said there is absolutely no way. Her exact words were, "no insurance, NO pump." She also told me how much money that would be to upkeep every month, and she's right, there is NO way. I'm going to give a fight to keep it, I haven't given up, know that. I'll start preparing for war tomorrow. Hopefully, having the unopened box here at my grasp will give me that much more drive.
The funniest thing about this to me is that, people who are like me- who are diagnosed with some chronic condition, that we DID NOT ask for, get absolutely no help. Yet, if you're addicted to methadone, you can go to one of the many methadone clinics and get your fix for free. It's to keep them satisfied, to keep them "healthy, happy, and sane". To keep druggies from using dirty needles and adding horrible things like AIDS, HIV, or Hepatitis C. I am not saying that these people are asking for their battle with drugs, or that it's not unfair. I'm saying I really didn't put myself in any way, in the way of diabetes. Diabetes chose me. I never did one thing to up my chances of being caught in a battle with diabetes. Methadone is very addictive, I know. I have been in a methadone clinic. I've seen what it can do. My husband was on it after his motorcycle accident. It turned him into a different person. It helped his massive amounts of pain. He still hurts, and yet he DOES NOT continue to use it. We had over $2500 worth of that drug in our house. He used it all. It helped him tremendously! I'm sure he'd be more than happy to continue to use it to ease the pain. The plain and simple fact is that he doesn't. He deals with his pain. So to those who get the help, the free drugs, etc. Be thankful. And to us who need the help, for the drugs and supplies to keep us ALIVE, keep your head up. We are strong individuals. No one can ever compare to our bravery.
Now, that I've taken you on a journey all around the world, I'll bring you back to the homeland. I am committing my first act of selfishness as a mother. I refuse to use this pump, even though it could potentially make my son's life in utero, a healthier one. I've been selfless this entire time, until now. This is something I cannot do. If I cannot keep this insulin pump, I will continue to be as meticulous as possible to keep him healthy. I'll continue to learn to live with diabetes instead of fighting it. Maybe then by the time he makes his arrival, he will have a healthy, strong mother. I want to be here for him and my husband for as long as I can. But, I still cant shake the feeling that I just may be executing an act of treason against my own son. THAT is the worst part of this all...
Until next time
www.merriam-webster.com defines selfishness as follows: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others (a selfish act)
Tomorrow morning there will be a $6,000 bright purple, top of the line insulin pump on my door step waiting for me. I know, it sounds dreamy, but it's a huge predicament to say the least. The trouble is that I am 26 weeks + 1 day into my pregnancy. This pump is on "rental" until the end of my pregnancy. Therefore giving me only 12 weeks of freedom, give or take some. Then I'll have to return it. This is due to the fact that I don't have insurance. I do have CareSource, IF you want to call that insurance, you can, I won't. After I have the baby, I won't have even that any more, supposedly. My husband's work has Anthem, BUT that would take $189 out of each weekly check, plus for ONE YEAR I would have to pay in full for all diabetic supplies and diabetes related doctor visits. So, another closed door that is. We can't afford that.
My predicament is that I do not want to even open this, what I like to think of as a "life line", of a machine. I don't want to know this type of freedom, and have it ripped away. For the first time in my life I am actually caring for my diabetic body in a safe, and healthy way. I'm being meticulous about everything. I'm for once managing myself. My blog title is no longer a lie. The main problem was that I was diagnosed at 7. My parents got all sorts of training on how to manage diabetes. I was far too young to understand, and did not get the same classes and education. What I have learned I have picked up from watching my mom, reading blogs, etc. No professional has ever gone over how to manage my disorder. In the past few weeks since switching prenatal care to UC High Risk Clinic, they have taught me to "manage". I now have the best understanding I've ever had about my body and my life. To open, and use this pump would be the equivalent of having an epiphany, changing my life, then the pump would make my life even easier (almost as if I have a working pancreas), and then I would just be handed back every problem I've had since the age of 7. I feel to use it for 3 months, when I'm still learning to be a diabetic, would make me lazy. I'm fearful I'd forget how to do this on my own.
Tomorrow my plan is to call human resources and talk to my case worker. If there is a glimmer of hope that I can keep my insurance without drastic measures on my husband's and my part, I will use it. If there isn't I'm sending it back. I've spoken to my pump rep to see if I could keep this pump, and pay for it monthly myself. She said there is absolutely no way. Her exact words were, "no insurance, NO pump." She also told me how much money that would be to upkeep every month, and she's right, there is NO way. I'm going to give a fight to keep it, I haven't given up, know that. I'll start preparing for war tomorrow. Hopefully, having the unopened box here at my grasp will give me that much more drive.
The funniest thing about this to me is that, people who are like me- who are diagnosed with some chronic condition, that we DID NOT ask for, get absolutely no help. Yet, if you're addicted to methadone, you can go to one of the many methadone clinics and get your fix for free. It's to keep them satisfied, to keep them "healthy, happy, and sane". To keep druggies from using dirty needles and adding horrible things like AIDS, HIV, or Hepatitis C. I am not saying that these people are asking for their battle with drugs, or that it's not unfair. I'm saying I really didn't put myself in any way, in the way of diabetes. Diabetes chose me. I never did one thing to up my chances of being caught in a battle with diabetes. Methadone is very addictive, I know. I have been in a methadone clinic. I've seen what it can do. My husband was on it after his motorcycle accident. It turned him into a different person. It helped his massive amounts of pain. He still hurts, and yet he DOES NOT continue to use it. We had over $2500 worth of that drug in our house. He used it all. It helped him tremendously! I'm sure he'd be more than happy to continue to use it to ease the pain. The plain and simple fact is that he doesn't. He deals with his pain. So to those who get the help, the free drugs, etc. Be thankful. And to us who need the help, for the drugs and supplies to keep us ALIVE, keep your head up. We are strong individuals. No one can ever compare to our bravery.
Now, that I've taken you on a journey all around the world, I'll bring you back to the homeland. I am committing my first act of selfishness as a mother. I refuse to use this pump, even though it could potentially make my son's life in utero, a healthier one. I've been selfless this entire time, until now. This is something I cannot do. If I cannot keep this insulin pump, I will continue to be as meticulous as possible to keep him healthy. I'll continue to learn to live with diabetes instead of fighting it. Maybe then by the time he makes his arrival, he will have a healthy, strong mother. I want to be here for him and my husband for as long as I can. But, I still cant shake the feeling that I just may be executing an act of treason against my own son. THAT is the worst part of this all...
Until next time
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