My First Act Of Selfishness

This post will be about my first act of selfishness, as a mother. You can make whatever judgement you wish, but remember you're not in my shoes. You don't fully understand.

www.merriam-webster.com defines selfishness as follows: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others (a selfish act)

Tomorrow morning there will be a $6,000 bright purple, top of the line insulin pump on my door step waiting for me. I know, it sounds dreamy, but it's a huge predicament to say the least. The trouble is that I am 26 weeks + 1 day into my pregnancy. This pump is on "rental" until the end of my pregnancy. Therefore giving me only 12 weeks of freedom, give or take some. Then I'll have to return it. This is due to the fact that I don't have insurance. I do have CareSource, IF you want to call that insurance, you can, I won't. After I have the baby, I won't have even that any more, supposedly. My husband's work has Anthem, BUT that would take $189 out of each weekly check, plus for ONE YEAR I would have to pay in full for all diabetic supplies and diabetes related doctor visits. So, another closed door that is. We can't afford that.

My predicament is that I do not want to even open this, what I like to think of as a "life line", of a machine. I don't want to know this type of freedom, and have it ripped away. For the first time in my life I am actually caring for my diabetic body in a safe, and healthy way. I'm being meticulous about everything. I'm for once managing myself. My blog title is no longer a lie. The main problem was that I was diagnosed at 7. My parents got all sorts of training on how to manage diabetes. I was far too young to understand, and did not get the same classes and education. What I have learned I have picked up from watching my mom, reading blogs, etc. No professional has ever gone over how to manage my disorder. In the past few weeks since switching prenatal care to UC High Risk Clinic, they have taught me to "manage". I now have the best understanding I've ever had about my body and my life. To open, and use this pump would be the equivalent of having an epiphany, changing my life, then the pump would make my life even easier (almost as if I have a working pancreas), and then I would just be handed back every problem I've had since the age of 7. I feel to use it for 3 months, when I'm still learning to be a diabetic, would make me lazy. I'm fearful I'd forget how to do this on my own.

Tomorrow my plan is to call human resources and talk to my case worker. If there is a glimmer of hope that I can keep my insurance without drastic measures on my husband's and my part, I will use it. If there isn't I'm sending it back. I've spoken to my pump rep to see if I could keep this pump, and pay for it monthly myself. She said there is absolutely no way. Her exact words were, "no insurance, NO pump." She also told me how much money that would be to upkeep every month, and she's right, there is NO way. I'm going to give a fight to keep it, I haven't given up, know that. I'll start preparing for war tomorrow. Hopefully, having the unopened box here at my grasp will give me that much more drive.

The funniest thing about this to me is that, people who are like me- who are diagnosed with some chronic condition, that we DID NOT ask for, get absolutely no help. Yet, if you're addicted to methadone, you can go to one of the many methadone clinics and get your fix for free. It's to keep them satisfied, to keep them "healthy, happy, and sane". To keep druggies from using dirty needles and adding horrible things like AIDS, HIV, or Hepatitis C. I am not saying that these people are asking for their battle with drugs, or that it's not unfair. I'm saying I really didn't put myself in any way, in the way of diabetes. Diabetes chose me. I never did one thing to up my chances of being caught in a battle with diabetes. Methadone is very addictive, I know. I have been in a methadone clinic. I've seen what it can do. My husband was on it after his motorcycle accident. It turned him into a different person. It helped his massive amounts of pain. He still hurts, and yet he DOES NOT continue to use it. We had over $2500 worth of that drug in our house. He used it all. It helped him tremendously! I'm sure he'd be more than happy to continue to use it to ease the pain. The plain and simple fact is that he doesn't. He deals with his pain. So to those who get the help, the free drugs, etc. Be thankful. And to us who need the help, for the drugs and supplies to keep us ALIVE, keep your head up. We are strong individuals. No one can ever compare to our bravery.

Now, that I've taken you on a journey all around the world, I'll bring you back to the homeland. I am committing my first act of selfishness as a mother. I refuse to use this pump, even though it could potentially make my son's life in utero, a healthier one. I've been selfless this entire time, until now. This is something I cannot do. If I cannot keep this insulin pump, I will continue to be as meticulous as possible to keep him healthy. I'll continue to learn to live with diabetes instead of fighting it. Maybe then by the time he makes his arrival, he will have a healthy, strong mother. I want to be here for him and my husband for as long as I can. But, I still cant shake the feeling that I just may be executing an act of treason against my own son. THAT is the worst part of this all...

Until next time