This post will be about my first act of selfishness, as a mother. You can make whatever judgement you wish, but remember you're not in my shoes. You don't fully understand.
www.merriam-webster.com defines selfishness as follows: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others (a selfish act)
Tomorrow morning there will be a $6,000 bright purple, top of the line insulin pump on my door step waiting for me. I know, it sounds dreamy, but it's a huge predicament to say the least. The trouble is that I am 26 weeks + 1 day into my pregnancy. This pump is on "rental" until the end of my pregnancy. Therefore giving me only 12 weeks of freedom, give or take some. Then I'll have to return it. This is due to the fact that I don't have insurance. I do have CareSource, IF you want to call that insurance, you can, I won't. After I have the baby, I won't have even that any more, supposedly. My husband's work has Anthem, BUT that would take $189 out of each weekly check, plus for ONE YEAR I would have to pay in full for all diabetic supplies and diabetes related doctor visits. So, another closed door that is. We can't afford that.
My predicament is that I do not want to even open this, what I like to think of as a "life line", of a machine. I don't want to know this type of freedom, and have it ripped away. For the first time in my life I am actually caring for my diabetic body in a safe, and healthy way. I'm being meticulous about everything. I'm for once managing myself. My blog title is no longer a lie. The main problem was that I was diagnosed at 7. My parents got all sorts of training on how to manage diabetes. I was far too young to understand, and did not get the same classes and education. What I have learned I have picked up from watching my mom, reading blogs, etc. No professional has ever gone over how to manage my disorder. In the past few weeks since switching prenatal care to UC High Risk Clinic, they have taught me to "manage". I now have the best understanding I've ever had about my body and my life. To open, and use this pump would be the equivalent of having an epiphany, changing my life, then the pump would make my life even easier (almost as if I have a working pancreas), and then I would just be handed back every problem I've had since the age of 7. I feel to use it for 3 months, when I'm still learning to be a diabetic, would make me lazy. I'm fearful I'd forget how to do this on my own.
Tomorrow my plan is to call human resources and talk to my case worker. If there is a glimmer of hope that I can keep my insurance without drastic measures on my husband's and my part, I will use it. If there isn't I'm sending it back. I've spoken to my pump rep to see if I could keep this pump, and pay for it monthly myself. She said there is absolutely no way. Her exact words were, "no insurance, NO pump." She also told me how much money that would be to upkeep every month, and she's right, there is NO way. I'm going to give a fight to keep it, I haven't given up, know that. I'll start preparing for war tomorrow. Hopefully, having the unopened box here at my grasp will give me that much more drive.
The funniest thing about this to me is that, people who are like me- who are diagnosed with some chronic condition, that we DID NOT ask for, get absolutely no help. Yet, if you're addicted to methadone, you can go to one of the many methadone clinics and get your fix for free. It's to keep them satisfied, to keep them "healthy, happy, and sane". To keep druggies from using dirty needles and adding horrible things like AIDS, HIV, or Hepatitis C. I am not saying that these people are asking for their battle with drugs, or that it's not unfair. I'm saying I really didn't put myself in any way, in the way of diabetes. Diabetes chose me. I never did one thing to up my chances of being caught in a battle with diabetes. Methadone is very addictive, I know. I have been in a methadone clinic. I've seen what it can do. My husband was on it after his motorcycle accident. It turned him into a different person. It helped his massive amounts of pain. He still hurts, and yet he DOES NOT continue to use it. We had over $2500 worth of that drug in our house. He used it all. It helped him tremendously! I'm sure he'd be more than happy to continue to use it to ease the pain. The plain and simple fact is that he doesn't. He deals with his pain. So to those who get the help, the free drugs, etc. Be thankful. And to us who need the help, for the drugs and supplies to keep us ALIVE, keep your head up. We are strong individuals. No one can ever compare to our bravery.
Now, that I've taken you on a journey all around the world, I'll bring you back to the homeland. I am committing my first act of selfishness as a mother. I refuse to use this pump, even though it could potentially make my son's life in utero, a healthier one. I've been selfless this entire time, until now. This is something I cannot do. If I cannot keep this insulin pump, I will continue to be as meticulous as possible to keep him healthy. I'll continue to learn to live with diabetes instead of fighting it. Maybe then by the time he makes his arrival, he will have a healthy, strong mother. I want to be here for him and my husband for as long as I can. But, I still cant shake the feeling that I just may be executing an act of treason against my own son. THAT is the worst part of this all...
Until next time
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
Just Stop Fighting It.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you! I always find myself having to catch up on so much when I write a post.
I transfered my prenatal care from Good Sam to UC hospital. So far, they're ok. I think they're just like any other doctors, "practicing" medicine. Of course I don't fit in their "typical diabetic" box... that stresses them and me. I was held captive in the hospital for a few days. It was to try and control my bloodsugars. I was put on bed rest there, and followed a strict diet. Guess what? They didn't get them under control either. lol. I was freed, I still follow a super strict diet, and I'm on "functional bed rest". I spend my days counting, weighing, and measuring my foods, eating 6 times a day, and at a specific time, and resting as much as I can. It makes for some long, long days. I look forward every day to when my husband gets home. He just makes everything so much better.
Ryan has an appointment with his cardiologist on January 14th. He's scheduling another surgery to fix the blood flow to his left arm. My friend Alexis is throwing me a baby shower on January 30th. It's a tea party! I'm so excited.
Our Christmas was great! Ryan surprised me with some very pretty and very expensive earrings! He's just a good guy. I love them.
I'm ready to bring in 2011. I can't wait to have our son, and hold him so tight. I'm ready to get back on my feet. I can't wait to be living on our own again, and me not needing so much help. I'm very excited for my future. I wish the present would hurry up and become the past.
Until next time!
I transfered my prenatal care from Good Sam to UC hospital. So far, they're ok. I think they're just like any other doctors, "practicing" medicine. Of course I don't fit in their "typical diabetic" box... that stresses them and me. I was held captive in the hospital for a few days. It was to try and control my bloodsugars. I was put on bed rest there, and followed a strict diet. Guess what? They didn't get them under control either. lol. I was freed, I still follow a super strict diet, and I'm on "functional bed rest". I spend my days counting, weighing, and measuring my foods, eating 6 times a day, and at a specific time, and resting as much as I can. It makes for some long, long days. I look forward every day to when my husband gets home. He just makes everything so much better.
Ryan has an appointment with his cardiologist on January 14th. He's scheduling another surgery to fix the blood flow to his left arm. My friend Alexis is throwing me a baby shower on January 30th. It's a tea party! I'm so excited.
Our Christmas was great! Ryan surprised me with some very pretty and very expensive earrings! He's just a good guy. I love them.
I'm ready to bring in 2011. I can't wait to have our son, and hold him so tight. I'm ready to get back on my feet. I can't wait to be living on our own again, and me not needing so much help. I'm very excited for my future. I wish the present would hurry up and become the past.
Until next time!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Oh boy! and OH BOY!
Well it's been a minute since I've written my last post. I'd like to tell you that it's because I'm so miserably busy and I cannot for the life of me find time; but, that's not the case at all. I've been huddled up in my house, thinking about life, and keeping my distance. I'm not sure why. I'm not usually like this, but for now it works.
The Monday before Thanksgiving so, November 22, we "rushed" Ryan to UC ER. I put rushed in parentheses because Ryan never gets in a hurry for anything! Since returning to work and with the coldness of winter coming on, he'd been having pain, coldness, tiredness and numbness in his left arm and fingers. I of course called his cardiologist, Dr. Meier. After speaking back and forth all day, he told Ryan to come down to UC as soon as he could, they needed to do tests. We sat in the ER for 4 hours, let me tell you a city hospital ER isn't where you want to spend ANY amount of time, let alone 4 hours. Finally, FINALLY, they call Dr. Meier like we had told them time and time again. He'd had a plan for Ryan, just no one had told him he'd come in yet. Hah! Go figure. I'll quote a doctor for you, "there isn't a lack of communication here, it's just a set of hierarchies". WHATEVER. They don't speak to one another, I call it lack of communication, THEY can call it whatever makes them feel better about it! Anyways, long story short, he stayed in the hospital a few days, he had a heprin drip to thin his blood. On Wednesday November 23rd he had his 2nd surgery due to rupturing his aeorta. They went in through his left arm with a camera to see what they could see, see, see. They removed a relatively good sized blood clot. He was released late in the evening on Thanksgiving day. He was off work for 2 more weeks. He went back to work this Monday. It was supposed to bring ease to our minds, but it didn't. He has more pain, tiredness, and coldness now than before. Yesterday he was outside for 45 minutes. He wore 2 gloves on his left hand, and one on his right. When he came in he checked the temp on both hands. His left was 52 degrees, and his right was 76. That's an INSANE difference! Anyway, it's for sure that he will have to undergo another surgery to fix this bloodflow problem. We go back to see Dr. Meier on January 14th. I hope this one works. The plan is to do a bipass, so going in through the chest. Dr. Meier will put a shunt from the artery that supplies blood to the brain, from behind the ear down through the neck and into the shoulder. This shunt will supply blood to both Ryan's brain and his left arm. That's the plan, and I hope this one works. If not, "there really isn't another option..."
Another big thing that's taken place since my last post. We found out what we're expecting!! It's a BOY!! His name is Maximus Ryan Jordan. Unless, I can get Ryan to add another middle name, or change the Ryan. If we don't he will have the same initials as Ryan's dad. Umm...yeah, that bothers me. That's a different story that I don't want to blog about at the moment! Anyways, our son is doing well! On November 30th, he was about 15oz. Everything was on track, and he looks like a bundle of health! He is stubborn like his parents, and wouldn't look at us for a picture! He he has huge feet, a huge head, and there is NO DOUBT that he is infact, a BOY! lol. I wasn't surprised when she said "oh, well there it is, he's a definitely a boy!". I didn't have any intuitions on the gender, until the week prior. It was a strong overwhelming feeling that he was a boy. While Ryan was in the hospital, we both called him only by Max. So, we weren't all giddy, "OMG! It's a boy!!" blah blah blah, like I expected the experience to be. I was more relaxed and calm, and just said to myself, "I knew you were..." Ryan showed a smile. He knew too. So, now I'm planning on starting to make his crib sheets, etc. I'm thinking Frankenstein =)
On another note, I think I've mentioned it, but earlier in my pregnancy Ryan made the decision to move us in with my parents. It was for my well being, as well as Max. I was having so many problems controlling my bloodsugars, and they were constantly low. So, here I always have someone around. ALWAYS. Well, I was annoyed by it, but I have to admit it has saved me quite a few times! And now with Ryan's last surgery, and his two weeks off of work. Plus, his next surgery, which will be an even longer recovery... It's saved more than me and Max. It's been a true blessing in disguise. My parents are helping us so much. They are bending over backwards to help us get our family on track. Ryan's family is too. I used to take my family for granted, but now, I really don't know where we would be without them. I'm so thankful. I owe them all more than I ever will be able to repay. I hope they know though, that I love them and I deeply appreciate everything they sacrifice for us. I'm going to write a personal story about our journey, and use shutterfly to actually make look like a "book". I'm going to include all the pictures from the hospital, and pregnancy , and Max. It's my thank you to my family. I'm excited to have the passion to write again. Let's hope it works out!
That's all I have for now. Until next time, peace and love...
The Monday before Thanksgiving so, November 22, we "rushed" Ryan to UC ER. I put rushed in parentheses because Ryan never gets in a hurry for anything! Since returning to work and with the coldness of winter coming on, he'd been having pain, coldness, tiredness and numbness in his left arm and fingers. I of course called his cardiologist, Dr. Meier. After speaking back and forth all day, he told Ryan to come down to UC as soon as he could, they needed to do tests. We sat in the ER for 4 hours, let me tell you a city hospital ER isn't where you want to spend ANY amount of time, let alone 4 hours. Finally, FINALLY, they call Dr. Meier like we had told them time and time again. He'd had a plan for Ryan, just no one had told him he'd come in yet. Hah! Go figure. I'll quote a doctor for you, "there isn't a lack of communication here, it's just a set of hierarchies". WHATEVER. They don't speak to one another, I call it lack of communication, THEY can call it whatever makes them feel better about it! Anyways, long story short, he stayed in the hospital a few days, he had a heprin drip to thin his blood. On Wednesday November 23rd he had his 2nd surgery due to rupturing his aeorta. They went in through his left arm with a camera to see what they could see, see, see. They removed a relatively good sized blood clot. He was released late in the evening on Thanksgiving day. He was off work for 2 more weeks. He went back to work this Monday. It was supposed to bring ease to our minds, but it didn't. He has more pain, tiredness, and coldness now than before. Yesterday he was outside for 45 minutes. He wore 2 gloves on his left hand, and one on his right. When he came in he checked the temp on both hands. His left was 52 degrees, and his right was 76. That's an INSANE difference! Anyway, it's for sure that he will have to undergo another surgery to fix this bloodflow problem. We go back to see Dr. Meier on January 14th. I hope this one works. The plan is to do a bipass, so going in through the chest. Dr. Meier will put a shunt from the artery that supplies blood to the brain, from behind the ear down through the neck and into the shoulder. This shunt will supply blood to both Ryan's brain and his left arm. That's the plan, and I hope this one works. If not, "there really isn't another option..."
Another big thing that's taken place since my last post. We found out what we're expecting!! It's a BOY!! His name is Maximus Ryan Jordan. Unless, I can get Ryan to add another middle name, or change the Ryan. If we don't he will have the same initials as Ryan's dad. Umm...yeah, that bothers me. That's a different story that I don't want to blog about at the moment! Anyways, our son is doing well! On November 30th, he was about 15oz. Everything was on track, and he looks like a bundle of health! He is stubborn like his parents, and wouldn't look at us for a picture! He he has huge feet, a huge head, and there is NO DOUBT that he is infact, a BOY! lol. I wasn't surprised when she said "oh, well there it is, he's a definitely a boy!". I didn't have any intuitions on the gender, until the week prior. It was a strong overwhelming feeling that he was a boy. While Ryan was in the hospital, we both called him only by Max. So, we weren't all giddy, "OMG! It's a boy!!" blah blah blah, like I expected the experience to be. I was more relaxed and calm, and just said to myself, "I knew you were..." Ryan showed a smile. He knew too. So, now I'm planning on starting to make his crib sheets, etc. I'm thinking Frankenstein =)
On another note, I think I've mentioned it, but earlier in my pregnancy Ryan made the decision to move us in with my parents. It was for my well being, as well as Max. I was having so many problems controlling my bloodsugars, and they were constantly low. So, here I always have someone around. ALWAYS. Well, I was annoyed by it, but I have to admit it has saved me quite a few times! And now with Ryan's last surgery, and his two weeks off of work. Plus, his next surgery, which will be an even longer recovery... It's saved more than me and Max. It's been a true blessing in disguise. My parents are helping us so much. They are bending over backwards to help us get our family on track. Ryan's family is too. I used to take my family for granted, but now, I really don't know where we would be without them. I'm so thankful. I owe them all more than I ever will be able to repay. I hope they know though, that I love them and I deeply appreciate everything they sacrifice for us. I'm going to write a personal story about our journey, and use shutterfly to actually make look like a "book". I'm going to include all the pictures from the hospital, and pregnancy , and Max. It's my thank you to my family. I'm excited to have the passion to write again. Let's hope it works out!
That's all I have for now. Until next time, peace and love...
Monday, November 15, 2010
Normal Schmormal.
Guess what?! I'm pretty sure I'm normal now! I'm going to define "normal" as what my doctors would describe a "normal" pregnancy complicated with diabetes (or diabetes complicated by pregnancy?)- resistant to insulin! Isn't it so funny that I'm excited to have high blood sugars?! I know, right. Insane, I think so too. Well, we've waited and waited for me to get the point where my body would become resistant to insulin. It has! I've take 60 units of insulin today. WHOA! I'd never normally do that! The placenta is actually what is resistant to insulin, so I must over compensate for that. Occasionally I'll bottom out because of the ginormous amounts of insulin I take at one time. Thus far, a low number has only reached 55. So let's all sing joy joy joy! I still can't believe I'm excited about this! BUT if you knew what the heck I've been dealing with, with the lows you'd be excited too. I feel hopeful for tomorrow's appointment now! Like finally you've dealt with the problems I'm having, now you can direct me in a helpful way! Yay! I can't wait. That and tomorrow I should get to schedule an ultrasound to see what the gender is. I can't wait I've never been more confused in my life. Boy, girl, boy, girl, girl, girl, boy. LOL. ;)
Until next time...LOVE!
Until next time...LOVE!
Friday, November 12, 2010
"Smothered With Love"
I'd rather be blogging about something smothered in peanut butter, but oh well. ;)
I am smothered, stifled, asphyxiated, suffocated, muffled, repressed, restrained, suppressed, with love and care. You might be saying, is this a bad thing? Is she for real? Yes, I am. I cannot live the way I used to live. My husband and parents care about me so much, they've taken away my wings. They have caged this bird. I'm no longer a free spirit, free to roam and do as I please, when I please. I'm Rapunzel (minus the beauteous, long, blonde hair). Locked away, but one day my prince (or princess, in this case) will come to save me. My child. Yes, after it makes it's debut to the world, maybe then I will be able to come out of my tower and live in society again.
I understand my blood sugars are crazy right now. Yes, absolutely crazy, but being held captive isn't helping! I'm not allowed to go any where alone. I stay at home with my dad all day! Sometimes I'm able to sneak out, even if to run to the gas station. I can't get further than a few miles before someone is calling my cell phone. So, I usually say I'm on my way to my mom's work to visit, just to get out. The 10 minute drive alone is nice. I haven't been home for more than 2 hours at a time by myself in weeks. I don't even count it as alone, because if there isn't another body in this house with me, I have 3 people constantly calling or texting me. At night, my husband sets the alarm every 1-2 hours to wake up and check my blood sugar. I try to nap, but my dad won't go more than 30 minutes without banging on my door, "are you OK?", or he calls my mom and updates her that I'm sleeping, then she's calling or even Facebooking me. I get 2983729084720 texts a day from Ryan, "What are you doing?" if my answer is anything other than "nothing" I then get a call.
You might truly think I'm insane for complaining about this situation. But, I'm not complaining as much as I'm just venting. I know they do this out of love. The 3 of them have kept me alive for 19 weeks, of this crazy pregnancy. I truly appreciate it! I really do! This doesn't mean that it's any easier to deal with. I feel someone has taken my wings, bound them, and I can no longer fly. I can no longer walk with out holding some one's hand. That's not who I am, I'm independent. But, it's who I'm forced to be until I am a mother, holding a child in my arms, instead of in my body. I'm trying to deal. I'm trying to cope. Some days are harder than others.
Today is a hard day, because my phone broke. Sounds ridiculous right? Well, my phone is broken, so therefore I really have to be under my dad's thumb. No one can get ahold of me via my "life line". So, my dad is keeping even closer tabs on me. And the time is passing so slowly! I'm waiting for Ryan to get off work to go shopping. I don't really care what I do, I just need to get out. We could go drive around the block for an hour, and that'd be OK.
I'm not trying to sound like pity me. I understand I need to have an eye kept on me. But, it's so far from normalcy, I just can't take it sometimes. I can't wait to break free one day. I can't wait to go jogging! I can't wait to hold my precious baby and know everything was worth it. One day I'll have my wings back, but for now I'm glad I have such a supportive family. That goes out of their way every single day to make positively sure that I am going to be OK and healthy. I just needed to vent about it at the same time. I love them with all my heart!
19 weeks today! Can't wait to see if this child is pink or blue. I bet online shopping would help with my extreme boredom. It might not help my finances, but hey, this mama will be happy again! =)
Until next time! Love!
I am smothered, stifled, asphyxiated, suffocated, muffled, repressed, restrained, suppressed, with love and care. You might be saying, is this a bad thing? Is she for real? Yes, I am. I cannot live the way I used to live. My husband and parents care about me so much, they've taken away my wings. They have caged this bird. I'm no longer a free spirit, free to roam and do as I please, when I please. I'm Rapunzel (minus the beauteous, long, blonde hair). Locked away, but one day my prince (or princess, in this case) will come to save me. My child. Yes, after it makes it's debut to the world, maybe then I will be able to come out of my tower and live in society again.
I understand my blood sugars are crazy right now. Yes, absolutely crazy, but being held captive isn't helping! I'm not allowed to go any where alone. I stay at home with my dad all day! Sometimes I'm able to sneak out, even if to run to the gas station. I can't get further than a few miles before someone is calling my cell phone. So, I usually say I'm on my way to my mom's work to visit, just to get out. The 10 minute drive alone is nice. I haven't been home for more than 2 hours at a time by myself in weeks. I don't even count it as alone, because if there isn't another body in this house with me, I have 3 people constantly calling or texting me. At night, my husband sets the alarm every 1-2 hours to wake up and check my blood sugar. I try to nap, but my dad won't go more than 30 minutes without banging on my door, "are you OK?", or he calls my mom and updates her that I'm sleeping, then she's calling or even Facebooking me. I get 2983729084720 texts a day from Ryan, "What are you doing?" if my answer is anything other than "nothing" I then get a call.
You might truly think I'm insane for complaining about this situation. But, I'm not complaining as much as I'm just venting. I know they do this out of love. The 3 of them have kept me alive for 19 weeks, of this crazy pregnancy. I truly appreciate it! I really do! This doesn't mean that it's any easier to deal with. I feel someone has taken my wings, bound them, and I can no longer fly. I can no longer walk with out holding some one's hand. That's not who I am, I'm independent. But, it's who I'm forced to be until I am a mother, holding a child in my arms, instead of in my body. I'm trying to deal. I'm trying to cope. Some days are harder than others.
Today is a hard day, because my phone broke. Sounds ridiculous right? Well, my phone is broken, so therefore I really have to be under my dad's thumb. No one can get ahold of me via my "life line". So, my dad is keeping even closer tabs on me. And the time is passing so slowly! I'm waiting for Ryan to get off work to go shopping. I don't really care what I do, I just need to get out. We could go drive around the block for an hour, and that'd be OK.
I'm not trying to sound like pity me. I understand I need to have an eye kept on me. But, it's so far from normalcy, I just can't take it sometimes. I can't wait to break free one day. I can't wait to go jogging! I can't wait to hold my precious baby and know everything was worth it. One day I'll have my wings back, but for now I'm glad I have such a supportive family. That goes out of their way every single day to make positively sure that I am going to be OK and healthy. I just needed to vent about it at the same time. I love them with all my heart!
19 weeks today! Can't wait to see if this child is pink or blue. I bet online shopping would help with my extreme boredom. It might not help my finances, but hey, this mama will be happy again! =)
Until next time! Love!
Monday, November 8, 2010
I'm Not The Same!
I am not the same person I once was. I've seen more heart break, more miracles, more stress, and more happiness in the past 4 months than I've seen in my entire life. I never knew how strong I was, until it's the only option I was given. I am strong. I get up and fight a great fight everyday. Yes, I take a lot of naps, I even may complain a lot, but that's nothing compared to what I could be doing considering my circumstances. I love when people joke about exactly how much I sleep, or how "little" I do in one day. A diabetic uses 3 times as much energy to do anything a non diabetic does. 3 times as much energy! Let me state again, 3 times as much. So remembering that in itself, let's add the fact that my blood sugars are always low, and occasionally high (due to my paranoia of taking insulin), and the fact that I am growing a person. Of course I'm going to sleep and rest a lot! What else can I do? For fun, I'll tell you what I did on Sunday, I was home alone for the first time in ages, and I did laundry. My blood sugar stayed low for 4 hours straight. I was drinking regular pop, Gatorade, eating, etc. And it didn't come above 60. Maybe it was because I was doing laundry? Maybe not. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not going to risk it. If I need rest, I need rest. On the same token, I am completely out of my realm by not doing anything. This is NOT what I am used to. I'm used to being on the go, and constantly busy. So, of course I'm going to go insane. I know I need to take it easy, I'm just not sure of how exactly to do that. I don't know if I'll ever know how to do that. I'm going to complain, and you could probably even say that I'm depressed. I can't help it. It's hard to know what you need to do, and actually doing it. So for all those who say I've changed, that I'm not the same...you're most definitely right. I have changed. I am not the same. There's no way I could remain who I once was. I'm playing with the cards I have been dealt. I might win some, and I might lose some. I'd rather lose the people that think I'm being dramatic, and taking advantage of my "situation". The funny thing is, no one but those who live with me along with myself, know my "situation". I'm not one for people's pity party. I don't divulge too much information. It's easier not to. I'd rather gain the respect of those who love me and see my hardship. I am strong. I am doing OK. I'm sorry if I can't be the old Mary you once knew. If you can't grow with me, accept me, and love me for everything that I am and will become, then you can pack your things, and go.
Love,
MJ
Love,
MJ
Friday, November 5, 2010
I thought it's time I become a blogger, again.
So just incase you have missed me, I'm going to update you on my incredibly different life I live now, compared to the last time we met here! So much has happened in such a small amount of time, I'm not even sure where to begin! So expect this to be random, as usual, but even more so.
A). My husband had a near-fatal motorcycle accident on July 28th. It was probably the hardest 16 days of my life. Everyday I would pray I'd go into his room and he would just magically be back him old self. If not the same, at least a little better than the day before. That was usually not the case. We always took 1 step forward and 23 steps backward, for 16 days straight. Well, I'm still not sure of details, not that he can't tell me, I just prefer it that way. It makes it easier for me. He didn't have his bike long, literally took it out of the back of the truck and went for a ride, and never came back on it. Instead, he went by ambulance then air care to UC's trauma center. We are very thankful for his best friend, Devin, who saved his life. He ruptured his aorta. Yes, I said it, his aorta, the largest artery in your whole body. Devin made him lay down, which saved his life. 90% of people that rupture their aorta die within 2 minutes tops. Can we say miracle? Yes, I think it's safe to say that. Other injuries include two broken vertebrae, 8 broken ribs (on one side), crack sternum, broken teeth, broken nose, a gnarly leg with missing muscle and tissue now, and I believe that to be it. Well, I received the call at 9:33pm, and I didn't know at all how he was, or if he was even stable or living until 3:30am, the following day. That was beyond rough in itself, little did I know, it was going to get worse before better. He had surgery on his heart, early the next morning. It was supposed to take 2 hours, and ended up taking 5. Long story short, it was rough for him in the beginning but he's incredibly strong, and he's doing well now. He's made a full recovery. He's more rough looking with his teeth and broken nose, but he's still my teddy bear! We're 3 months out, and he's back to being his hard working self. He has issues with his left arm where his heart stint blocks blood flow. We're hoping that corrects itself, otherwise another surgery is the only way to fix it. He's also having his nose fixed with in the next couple of months. Again, he's the strongest man I know. I never knew how much I loved that man until that day. And everyday since then, I've fallen harder and harder.
B). Well, when my world crashed around me on July 28th, why not add more to it right? Well, August 6th I found out that I was pregnant. I don't have normal cycles, I took a test to make for sure for sure. I was for sure wrong. We're definatley pregnant! As of today, we are 18 weeks along. It's been the hardest 18 weeks of my life. I've literally stopped living. My bloodsugars are so out of control I have to have someone with me at all times. I've passed out to where I had to use an emergency glucagon shot 9 times thus far. I'm always low. I am the exact opposite of any other pregnant diabetic that my "high risk OB's" have seen. They say I should need more and more insulin, and I have to take less and less. I currently take the exact amount of long acting insulin as I did pre-pregnancy, and usually only 1-2 shots of fast acting insulin in a 24 hr period. I used to take one everytime I ate anything. So, on average about 8-10 shots? So, MY life has stopped completely. I'm no longer in school, due to my crazy diet of eating every 2 hours, plus all my low bloodsugars, and me having a dr appt 1-2 times EVERY week, my school said they couldn't work around those things. I had to "drop out". I can re-enroll after baby, and keep all the hours I've put in though! Everyone treats me like a baby, I'm not allowed to do this or that. They force feed me too. lol. We weren't supposed to be able to have children. This is one strong, miraculous baby! We are beyond happy about it!
C). I have no clue what I want to do with my life now. I want to go back to hair school, but I don't want to have no money and a child. Before it was easy. I would have no pressure, I could take as long as needed to get to the top and make money. I feel it would be unfair for Ryan to have to support two people, while I try to make it work. With today's economy hair stylists, don't make as much money. Yes, they still do well, it's just way harder to get there. So, my new plan is to go and get my phlebotomy certificate. It will take little to no time because I already have an Associate's degree. And then I can work part time, and either go back to hair school, or get my bachelor's degree in radiology technology. Either way, I have a plan, I'm just not sure whether to go for passion, or money. With someone depending on my, money is probably better. Hair can be a hobby! lol. But I'm not too sure, still debating. I'll see how it works out later on.
That's all I have for now. I'll be back SOON!
Love,
MJ
A). My husband had a near-fatal motorcycle accident on July 28th. It was probably the hardest 16 days of my life. Everyday I would pray I'd go into his room and he would just magically be back him old self. If not the same, at least a little better than the day before. That was usually not the case. We always took 1 step forward and 23 steps backward, for 16 days straight. Well, I'm still not sure of details, not that he can't tell me, I just prefer it that way. It makes it easier for me. He didn't have his bike long, literally took it out of the back of the truck and went for a ride, and never came back on it. Instead, he went by ambulance then air care to UC's trauma center. We are very thankful for his best friend, Devin, who saved his life. He ruptured his aorta. Yes, I said it, his aorta, the largest artery in your whole body. Devin made him lay down, which saved his life. 90% of people that rupture their aorta die within 2 minutes tops. Can we say miracle? Yes, I think it's safe to say that. Other injuries include two broken vertebrae, 8 broken ribs (on one side), crack sternum, broken teeth, broken nose, a gnarly leg with missing muscle and tissue now, and I believe that to be it. Well, I received the call at 9:33pm, and I didn't know at all how he was, or if he was even stable or living until 3:30am, the following day. That was beyond rough in itself, little did I know, it was going to get worse before better. He had surgery on his heart, early the next morning. It was supposed to take 2 hours, and ended up taking 5. Long story short, it was rough for him in the beginning but he's incredibly strong, and he's doing well now. He's made a full recovery. He's more rough looking with his teeth and broken nose, but he's still my teddy bear! We're 3 months out, and he's back to being his hard working self. He has issues with his left arm where his heart stint blocks blood flow. We're hoping that corrects itself, otherwise another surgery is the only way to fix it. He's also having his nose fixed with in the next couple of months. Again, he's the strongest man I know. I never knew how much I loved that man until that day. And everyday since then, I've fallen harder and harder.
B). Well, when my world crashed around me on July 28th, why not add more to it right? Well, August 6th I found out that I was pregnant. I don't have normal cycles, I took a test to make for sure for sure. I was for sure wrong. We're definatley pregnant! As of today, we are 18 weeks along. It's been the hardest 18 weeks of my life. I've literally stopped living. My bloodsugars are so out of control I have to have someone with me at all times. I've passed out to where I had to use an emergency glucagon shot 9 times thus far. I'm always low. I am the exact opposite of any other pregnant diabetic that my "high risk OB's" have seen. They say I should need more and more insulin, and I have to take less and less. I currently take the exact amount of long acting insulin as I did pre-pregnancy, and usually only 1-2 shots of fast acting insulin in a 24 hr period. I used to take one everytime I ate anything. So, on average about 8-10 shots? So, MY life has stopped completely. I'm no longer in school, due to my crazy diet of eating every 2 hours, plus all my low bloodsugars, and me having a dr appt 1-2 times EVERY week, my school said they couldn't work around those things. I had to "drop out". I can re-enroll after baby, and keep all the hours I've put in though! Everyone treats me like a baby, I'm not allowed to do this or that. They force feed me too. lol. We weren't supposed to be able to have children. This is one strong, miraculous baby! We are beyond happy about it!
C). I have no clue what I want to do with my life now. I want to go back to hair school, but I don't want to have no money and a child. Before it was easy. I would have no pressure, I could take as long as needed to get to the top and make money. I feel it would be unfair for Ryan to have to support two people, while I try to make it work. With today's economy hair stylists, don't make as much money. Yes, they still do well, it's just way harder to get there. So, my new plan is to go and get my phlebotomy certificate. It will take little to no time because I already have an Associate's degree. And then I can work part time, and either go back to hair school, or get my bachelor's degree in radiology technology. Either way, I have a plan, I'm just not sure whether to go for passion, or money. With someone depending on my, money is probably better. Hair can be a hobby! lol. But I'm not too sure, still debating. I'll see how it works out later on.
That's all I have for now. I'll be back SOON!
Love,
MJ
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