I do! I actually DO know me. I know my body. I know myself. That's been a hard thing to realize lately! For the past 28 weeks I've had teams of people telling me the exact opposite. "You don't know your body." "Pregnancy complicates things so much, you'll lose your self." I listened to them all. I let them get in my head. But, I'm back on track. I found me again.
I was supposed to be doing very little activity. "functional bed rest". I did that for a while, nothing was working with the blood sugars. It was up down, sideways, and in between. I even wore the CGM (continuous glucose monitor), that checked my blood sugar 252 times in a 24 hour period. They found NO patterns. I did their diet. I did what they asked. Still I lived in chaos. Finally, I said to myself, I'm going to do what I think I need to do. I took their structure and modified it to fit me. I researched nutrition. I'm doing things they don't approve of, but they seem to be working well.
It's been almost 2 weeks of solid "good" blood sugars. Yes, I've still had some lows, but even those in the past 3 days are scarce. I even added in some light exercise. I feel wonderful. I'm so glad I did this. I'm bummed that I let these doctors tell me I didn't know my body. Of course I do, I have to. Being a diabetic, all you can do is listen and know your body, in order to keep going. Needless to say, tonight I'm happy that MJ is back. I know me, it shows. My numbers are good. My mentality is solid. My body is "getting there". I have 11 more weeks to keep this child in, to make sure he's safe. I'm going to do it. I should of done this a long time ago, but better late than never they say.
I'm even to the point where it doesn't make me cringe at the thought of trying for another one. I know in my heart I've changed my life around. By that I mean, even after delivery of my healthy son, I'll continue to live a healthy lifestyle. I'll listen to my doctors, and I'll show them that they should listen to me as well. I'm not saying any time soon, or ever for that matter will there be a 2nd Jordan spawn, but I will say that the thought of it DOES NOT scare me anymore.
I better get off here and hit the hay, I've got to be up at 6:30A.M. tomorrow for a date with some cardio. ;)
Until next time loves!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Victory! Then DEFEAT.
I guess I do have a lot to write about, and at the same time, I really don't. I write about the same stuff, every time. I'm sure you're just as bored reading it, as I am writing it. But, writing all this helps me cope and deal with completely changing my life. It keeps me going. When I put it in writing (or typing) it finally sinks in that I AM doing the right things.
So, anyway, the "let's be a healthy diabetic" mission, is still on going. I'm still doing everything I'm supposed to. Yesterday, my sugars were spot on ALL day. Not one high, and just one low. Other than the low, I was banging out awesome numbers. I'm elated. FINALLY, after all this hard work, I have proof that I can do this. Then today came around, and I woke up high? And have had low lows ever since. hah. My victory was short lived, but it has put me in an even better mind set. It's feasible to have "normal" blood sugars. I'm just going to continue to do what I'm doing. It will work itself out, as long as I continue to try my hardest.
Ryan went to see Dr. Meier yesterday. His cardiologist that placed his Aortic graft. Good news, the heart, the graft is all A-ok. Bionic man doesn't have anything to worry about there. Bad news: the blood flow to the left arm, is getting worse. Even worser news, no surgery. He can't have surgery because he doesn't have insurance. He's an idioso, and dropped it a few months prior to his accident. Good job, Ryan! ;) Any way, the hospital says they won't allow it because he already has an outstanding bill. We'd have to come up with half of the 50k that it's going to take to do the surgery, as a deposit. This surgery wouldn't be necessary if his team of drs had done the bi-pass the LAST time. Instead they went in through the arm and placed stints in his shoulder. The words that I hated to hear most was Dr. Meier saying, "well, I figured they wouldn't work. But, I had to at least try. That way never works though. If we get to do this bi-pass through the neck, it WILL work." Ryan was just as irritated, his response, "well, yeah sure why not try it. It was only a $45 thousand dollar trial and error." Dr. Meier laughed, I know, but we have to see what works and what doesn't. Well, if you have a plan that works, why not save everyone time and money and use THAT way? Our only two options are to plead with the UC financial board that this surgery is needed and should be considered "post trauma". If they refuse to help us, then we're going to have to be sneaky. I'm not allowed to talk about how we'd do this, Dr. Meier assured us this surgery will be taking place. With or without the help of UC. I mean, he's not going to do it in his basement, or anything absurd like that! Just we'll have to pull some trickery to get him in the hospital's doors. Once in, he can proceed with the surgery. My husband WILL have this surgery. His arm is constantly cold. Like 60 degrees, 80 on a good day! His arm is always, always tired. When taking a shower, he has to take breaks, because it wears it out so fast just showering that he can barely move it. This affects his way of life. I can't imagine how he gets through a day of work. I mean, he's a diesel mechanic! All he does is use his hands and arms, and on ginormous trucks and parts. Plus, I want him to be able to do normal things with his son. Hold him, feed him, play with him. So, one way or another this surgery WILL happen. I don't even feel bad if we have to lie to get him into the hospital to get the surgery. They did this, they should fix it. I think it's appalling that they wouldn't even care. And they don't. Obviously. I have an amazingly strong husband. I'm thankful for that.
That's all the bull crap I have to share.
Until Next Time...
So, anyway, the "let's be a healthy diabetic" mission, is still on going. I'm still doing everything I'm supposed to. Yesterday, my sugars were spot on ALL day. Not one high, and just one low. Other than the low, I was banging out awesome numbers. I'm elated. FINALLY, after all this hard work, I have proof that I can do this. Then today came around, and I woke up high? And have had low lows ever since. hah. My victory was short lived, but it has put me in an even better mind set. It's feasible to have "normal" blood sugars. I'm just going to continue to do what I'm doing. It will work itself out, as long as I continue to try my hardest.
Ryan went to see Dr. Meier yesterday. His cardiologist that placed his Aortic graft. Good news, the heart, the graft is all A-ok. Bionic man doesn't have anything to worry about there. Bad news: the blood flow to the left arm, is getting worse. Even worser news, no surgery. He can't have surgery because he doesn't have insurance. He's an idioso, and dropped it a few months prior to his accident. Good job, Ryan! ;) Any way, the hospital says they won't allow it because he already has an outstanding bill. We'd have to come up with half of the 50k that it's going to take to do the surgery, as a deposit. This surgery wouldn't be necessary if his team of drs had done the bi-pass the LAST time. Instead they went in through the arm and placed stints in his shoulder. The words that I hated to hear most was Dr. Meier saying, "well, I figured they wouldn't work. But, I had to at least try. That way never works though. If we get to do this bi-pass through the neck, it WILL work." Ryan was just as irritated, his response, "well, yeah sure why not try it. It was only a $45 thousand dollar trial and error." Dr. Meier laughed, I know, but we have to see what works and what doesn't. Well, if you have a plan that works, why not save everyone time and money and use THAT way? Our only two options are to plead with the UC financial board that this surgery is needed and should be considered "post trauma". If they refuse to help us, then we're going to have to be sneaky. I'm not allowed to talk about how we'd do this, Dr. Meier assured us this surgery will be taking place. With or without the help of UC. I mean, he's not going to do it in his basement, or anything absurd like that! Just we'll have to pull some trickery to get him in the hospital's doors. Once in, he can proceed with the surgery. My husband WILL have this surgery. His arm is constantly cold. Like 60 degrees, 80 on a good day! His arm is always, always tired. When taking a shower, he has to take breaks, because it wears it out so fast just showering that he can barely move it. This affects his way of life. I can't imagine how he gets through a day of work. I mean, he's a diesel mechanic! All he does is use his hands and arms, and on ginormous trucks and parts. Plus, I want him to be able to do normal things with his son. Hold him, feed him, play with him. So, one way or another this surgery WILL happen. I don't even feel bad if we have to lie to get him into the hospital to get the surgery. They did this, they should fix it. I think it's appalling that they wouldn't even care. And they don't. Obviously. I have an amazingly strong husband. I'm thankful for that.
That's all the bull crap I have to share.
Until Next Time...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Tomorrow Is Another Tuesday...
Tuesday's seem to put a damper on my whole mentality. I'm not sure why really. I mean I "like" my new clinic and doctors. They're much better than Good Sam, but still I dread Tuesdays. I'm not totally in control. I try my damn hardest, but I still have roller coaster blood sugars.
Last week Dr. Wang said, you know we can see that you're trying your very best here. Maybe this is just you- maybe you're just that brittle and sensitive. Lows and highs are normal for you. We're going to try to tweak it so they're not so bad, but I think all of us are doing everything we can here. Don't get discouraged. That was the best thing I've ever heard. To be honest, this HAS always been me-- up and down, up and down. Well, technically, I go down so much, the highs I have are all rebounds from the lows. My lows are not normal, like today before lunch my blood sugar was 20! I was fully functioning and aware! Yes, at 20 I was "normal". It's insane, but I'm so low so frequently, they don't really bother me very much. The highs I experience are simply rebounds. My body is in a state of panic, so it keeps everything that I eat, and keeps my blood sugar high. They're very rarely in the 200's. That makes me happy. Under 200 is ok! I mean some people's "highs" are 350+. So, maybe, just maybe this IS normal for me. You know, nothing is better working than the human body. The insulin I take from a vial, via suringe is NOT what God had planned. So, I can see why it wouldn't work as well. I mean, to me it's understandable that it wouldn't work in a way we'd all want it to in a dreamland. It's man made, not natural; Its being used in a natural being, there are bound to be some quarrels between the two.
I do have an insulin pump. It's still tucked away in the box it showed up at my house in. I haven't gotten it out to look at it or anything. I don't want to. I don't want to rent an insulin pump. If I'm going to have one, I want it to be MINE, and I want to use it forever. Therefore, I've made the decision NOT to use it. I feel like it will make me lazy. I've been a lazy diabetic for years and years and years. I'm finally on the right path now. I mean, I just started this strict journey on Dec 15th 2010. I don't want to go back the other way, I cringe at the thought of knowing that freedom. I KNOW I'll take it to my full advantage. It wouldn't really be my advantage, but I'd see it that way. I'm going to continue to follow a strict schedule, insulin dosage, and diet to help control my diabetes. Maybe one day when I can afford it, I'll have the pump. Maybe by the time that day comes, I'll be so used to living a healthy diabetic life style, that I won't take the freedom a pump provides for granted. I'm content with my decision. It's the best for me. Sometimes you just have to trust your gut. I'm trusting mine now.
I'm proud to say that I've been working my butt off for the past month to rebuild my life. I see no end in sight, which is a good thing. I'm going to continue on my path of righteousness. That's the best I can do.
In other, more funner news, the planning of the tea party baby shower is going splendidly! I am so excited. I'm a lover of anything vintage. My mom and I spent a good part of the day in a few thrift shops! We bought 5 bags full of cups and saucers, a Japanese tea set, and a whole set of vintage dishes that also came with tea cups. To boot, everything was 30% off! So we ending up getting 5 over flowing bags of glasswares for practically nothing! All my new found treasures are going to be my decor in my kitchen/dining room in our new place. We don't have a new place, but soon! 12 weeks until Max is here, a few weeks to recover, and I should be good to go as far as needing help. Then we can move out of my parent's house, and back on our own! Ahhh, it'll be great. I also bought a very special tea cup and saucer for myself for the baby shower, it says "mother". It was a little pricey for a tea cup, but worth every penny! My husband spoils me rotten. He's already said twice tonight, that now I'll need a China cabinet. I love him, dearly. And Max is doing good! He's constantly beating me up. I never get mad, it's so relieving to me to have him move. It's the same feeling for Ryan too! Whenever possible I let him feel, and he gets the biggest smile on his face, and usually kisses the little man. I have a feeling I'm in for the best years of my life soon enough!
My tea cup... LOVE IT!
That's all I have for now!
Until next time...
Last week Dr. Wang said, you know we can see that you're trying your very best here. Maybe this is just you- maybe you're just that brittle and sensitive. Lows and highs are normal for you. We're going to try to tweak it so they're not so bad, but I think all of us are doing everything we can here. Don't get discouraged. That was the best thing I've ever heard. To be honest, this HAS always been me-- up and down, up and down. Well, technically, I go down so much, the highs I have are all rebounds from the lows. My lows are not normal, like today before lunch my blood sugar was 20! I was fully functioning and aware! Yes, at 20 I was "normal". It's insane, but I'm so low so frequently, they don't really bother me very much. The highs I experience are simply rebounds. My body is in a state of panic, so it keeps everything that I eat, and keeps my blood sugar high. They're very rarely in the 200's. That makes me happy. Under 200 is ok! I mean some people's "highs" are 350+. So, maybe, just maybe this IS normal for me. You know, nothing is better working than the human body. The insulin I take from a vial, via suringe is NOT what God had planned. So, I can see why it wouldn't work as well. I mean, to me it's understandable that it wouldn't work in a way we'd all want it to in a dreamland. It's man made, not natural; Its being used in a natural being, there are bound to be some quarrels between the two.
I do have an insulin pump. It's still tucked away in the box it showed up at my house in. I haven't gotten it out to look at it or anything. I don't want to. I don't want to rent an insulin pump. If I'm going to have one, I want it to be MINE, and I want to use it forever. Therefore, I've made the decision NOT to use it. I feel like it will make me lazy. I've been a lazy diabetic for years and years and years. I'm finally on the right path now. I mean, I just started this strict journey on Dec 15th 2010. I don't want to go back the other way, I cringe at the thought of knowing that freedom. I KNOW I'll take it to my full advantage. It wouldn't really be my advantage, but I'd see it that way. I'm going to continue to follow a strict schedule, insulin dosage, and diet to help control my diabetes. Maybe one day when I can afford it, I'll have the pump. Maybe by the time that day comes, I'll be so used to living a healthy diabetic life style, that I won't take the freedom a pump provides for granted. I'm content with my decision. It's the best for me. Sometimes you just have to trust your gut. I'm trusting mine now.
I'm proud to say that I've been working my butt off for the past month to rebuild my life. I see no end in sight, which is a good thing. I'm going to continue on my path of righteousness. That's the best I can do.
In other, more funner news, the planning of the tea party baby shower is going splendidly! I am so excited. I'm a lover of anything vintage. My mom and I spent a good part of the day in a few thrift shops! We bought 5 bags full of cups and saucers, a Japanese tea set, and a whole set of vintage dishes that also came with tea cups. To boot, everything was 30% off! So we ending up getting 5 over flowing bags of glasswares for practically nothing! All my new found treasures are going to be my decor in my kitchen/dining room in our new place. We don't have a new place, but soon! 12 weeks until Max is here, a few weeks to recover, and I should be good to go as far as needing help. Then we can move out of my parent's house, and back on our own! Ahhh, it'll be great. I also bought a very special tea cup and saucer for myself for the baby shower, it says "mother". It was a little pricey for a tea cup, but worth every penny! My husband spoils me rotten. He's already said twice tonight, that now I'll need a China cabinet. I love him, dearly. And Max is doing good! He's constantly beating me up. I never get mad, it's so relieving to me to have him move. It's the same feeling for Ryan too! Whenever possible I let him feel, and he gets the biggest smile on his face, and usually kisses the little man. I have a feeling I'm in for the best years of my life soon enough!
My tea cup... LOVE IT!
That's all I have for now!
Until next time...
Friday, January 7, 2011
Schedules+Structure=Stability.
I am currently living a lifestyle of what I like to call, S3 (S to the 3rd power). I'm not going to tell you it's been an easy transition, that would be a blue-faced lie. It's been the most challenging thing I've ever done. I can say that it's taken me a month since working with a my new health care team to get to where I am. I still have days where I want to pull my hair out rather than eat at a certain time, or cry because I cannot have Olive Garden (or the good stuff, as I like to call it), but it's becoming more and more effortless to just make the right choices. My schedule is strict, which doesn't allow for me to go out and about for too long, and definitely not for food (which is my favorite thing to do when "going out"). Luckily for me, fast food isn't something I'm interested in, or even care much for, so that has not been a big challenge. I like to go to nice, sit down restaurants, with scrumptious food! If there's one thing I'll throw down the mulah for, it's good food! hahaha. One day I'll be able to go out to eat more often, definitely not like we used to, but that'll just make it that much more special!
My alarm clock sounds a minimum of 7 times a day. I set it more if I'm going to nap, in attempt to keep my self alive, and beat the lows. It screams at me starting at 7:00 A.M., 10:00, 12:30 P.M., 4:00, 7:00, 10:00, and then lastly ending my night, or starting my next day depending on how you view it, at 3:00 A.M. I check my blood sugar a minimum of 10 times a day. I take a minimum of 4 shots a day. All food I ingest is measured out, counted, weighed etc.
As far as the food goes, the more I do the measuring the better I'm getting at just eye-balling it. I "eye-ball" it, then measure it to make double sure. Anal, I know, but this is my son's life on the line! I can't be too careful! The fact that I'm getting better, gives me high hopes that one day when I go into a restaurant and order, I'll be able to just look at my entree and have a good solid idea of how many carbs are in it, and how much insulin to take. I used to just draw up and shoot up, leaving me super high, or super low! So, there's another way I'll be a better diabetic after this experience.
I think this strict schedule and diet will help me lose all the weight after having Max too. Believe me, an extra 36lbs on me doesn't look good! lol. I'll eat the same, 6 meals a day, but definitely smaller portions for lunch and dinner. I hear everyone telling me "it's going to be so hard for you to lose the weight because of your diabetes and blood sugars" etc. In my head, I think hah, that's what YOU think. I've never been your typical over-weight diabetic. And I'm on a mission to get and stay healthy for my son! And to keep my husband's eyes on me. To stay a hot wife is the way to go! hahaha.
It's a great feeling know that my future is looking brighter everyday that I get used to my S3 lifestyle! I'm proud to say that I'm glad I went through all the ups and downs that I've had, and will continue to have during this pregnancy. It has made me see the light that I am now seeing-- a healthy life as a diabetic. Tomorrow will be better than today, and for that I'm thankful. I'm doing this for myself, for my son, my husband, my mom, and the rest of my family and friends. Mostly for myself and Max. I want to be there for my child, and see everything he will ever accomplish in his life. I know I put a big burden my family and friends. I'm trying to help alleviate that pain from them. It's taken me a long time, but people say better late than never right?
I think schedules, structure, and stability is just what I need. Free spirit or not, with these 3 things, I will be able to spread my wings and soar. I'll leave you with a quote that struck my whole being...
“Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.”
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Until Next Time...
My alarm clock sounds a minimum of 7 times a day. I set it more if I'm going to nap, in attempt to keep my self alive, and beat the lows. It screams at me starting at 7:00 A.M., 10:00, 12:30 P.M., 4:00, 7:00, 10:00, and then lastly ending my night, or starting my next day depending on how you view it, at 3:00 A.M. I check my blood sugar a minimum of 10 times a day. I take a minimum of 4 shots a day. All food I ingest is measured out, counted, weighed etc.
As far as the food goes, the more I do the measuring the better I'm getting at just eye-balling it. I "eye-ball" it, then measure it to make double sure. Anal, I know, but this is my son's life on the line! I can't be too careful! The fact that I'm getting better, gives me high hopes that one day when I go into a restaurant and order, I'll be able to just look at my entree and have a good solid idea of how many carbs are in it, and how much insulin to take. I used to just draw up and shoot up, leaving me super high, or super low! So, there's another way I'll be a better diabetic after this experience.
I think this strict schedule and diet will help me lose all the weight after having Max too. Believe me, an extra 36lbs on me doesn't look good! lol. I'll eat the same, 6 meals a day, but definitely smaller portions for lunch and dinner. I hear everyone telling me "it's going to be so hard for you to lose the weight because of your diabetes and blood sugars" etc. In my head, I think hah, that's what YOU think. I've never been your typical over-weight diabetic. And I'm on a mission to get and stay healthy for my son! And to keep my husband's eyes on me. To stay a hot wife is the way to go! hahaha.
It's a great feeling know that my future is looking brighter everyday that I get used to my S3 lifestyle! I'm proud to say that I'm glad I went through all the ups and downs that I've had, and will continue to have during this pregnancy. It has made me see the light that I am now seeing-- a healthy life as a diabetic. Tomorrow will be better than today, and for that I'm thankful. I'm doing this for myself, for my son, my husband, my mom, and the rest of my family and friends. Mostly for myself and Max. I want to be there for my child, and see everything he will ever accomplish in his life. I know I put a big burden my family and friends. I'm trying to help alleviate that pain from them. It's taken me a long time, but people say better late than never right?
I think schedules, structure, and stability is just what I need. Free spirit or not, with these 3 things, I will be able to spread my wings and soar. I'll leave you with a quote that struck my whole being...
“Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.”
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Until Next Time...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
My First Act Of Selfishness
This post will be about my first act of selfishness, as a mother. You can make whatever judgement you wish, but remember you're not in my shoes. You don't fully understand.
www.merriam-webster.com defines selfishness as follows: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others (a selfish act)
Tomorrow morning there will be a $6,000 bright purple, top of the line insulin pump on my door step waiting for me. I know, it sounds dreamy, but it's a huge predicament to say the least. The trouble is that I am 26 weeks + 1 day into my pregnancy. This pump is on "rental" until the end of my pregnancy. Therefore giving me only 12 weeks of freedom, give or take some. Then I'll have to return it. This is due to the fact that I don't have insurance. I do have CareSource, IF you want to call that insurance, you can, I won't. After I have the baby, I won't have even that any more, supposedly. My husband's work has Anthem, BUT that would take $189 out of each weekly check, plus for ONE YEAR I would have to pay in full for all diabetic supplies and diabetes related doctor visits. So, another closed door that is. We can't afford that.
My predicament is that I do not want to even open this, what I like to think of as a "life line", of a machine. I don't want to know this type of freedom, and have it ripped away. For the first time in my life I am actually caring for my diabetic body in a safe, and healthy way. I'm being meticulous about everything. I'm for once managing myself. My blog title is no longer a lie. The main problem was that I was diagnosed at 7. My parents got all sorts of training on how to manage diabetes. I was far too young to understand, and did not get the same classes and education. What I have learned I have picked up from watching my mom, reading blogs, etc. No professional has ever gone over how to manage my disorder. In the past few weeks since switching prenatal care to UC High Risk Clinic, they have taught me to "manage". I now have the best understanding I've ever had about my body and my life. To open, and use this pump would be the equivalent of having an epiphany, changing my life, then the pump would make my life even easier (almost as if I have a working pancreas), and then I would just be handed back every problem I've had since the age of 7. I feel to use it for 3 months, when I'm still learning to be a diabetic, would make me lazy. I'm fearful I'd forget how to do this on my own.
Tomorrow my plan is to call human resources and talk to my case worker. If there is a glimmer of hope that I can keep my insurance without drastic measures on my husband's and my part, I will use it. If there isn't I'm sending it back. I've spoken to my pump rep to see if I could keep this pump, and pay for it monthly myself. She said there is absolutely no way. Her exact words were, "no insurance, NO pump." She also told me how much money that would be to upkeep every month, and she's right, there is NO way. I'm going to give a fight to keep it, I haven't given up, know that. I'll start preparing for war tomorrow. Hopefully, having the unopened box here at my grasp will give me that much more drive.
The funniest thing about this to me is that, people who are like me- who are diagnosed with some chronic condition, that we DID NOT ask for, get absolutely no help. Yet, if you're addicted to methadone, you can go to one of the many methadone clinics and get your fix for free. It's to keep them satisfied, to keep them "healthy, happy, and sane". To keep druggies from using dirty needles and adding horrible things like AIDS, HIV, or Hepatitis C. I am not saying that these people are asking for their battle with drugs, or that it's not unfair. I'm saying I really didn't put myself in any way, in the way of diabetes. Diabetes chose me. I never did one thing to up my chances of being caught in a battle with diabetes. Methadone is very addictive, I know. I have been in a methadone clinic. I've seen what it can do. My husband was on it after his motorcycle accident. It turned him into a different person. It helped his massive amounts of pain. He still hurts, and yet he DOES NOT continue to use it. We had over $2500 worth of that drug in our house. He used it all. It helped him tremendously! I'm sure he'd be more than happy to continue to use it to ease the pain. The plain and simple fact is that he doesn't. He deals with his pain. So to those who get the help, the free drugs, etc. Be thankful. And to us who need the help, for the drugs and supplies to keep us ALIVE, keep your head up. We are strong individuals. No one can ever compare to our bravery.
Now, that I've taken you on a journey all around the world, I'll bring you back to the homeland. I am committing my first act of selfishness as a mother. I refuse to use this pump, even though it could potentially make my son's life in utero, a healthier one. I've been selfless this entire time, until now. This is something I cannot do. If I cannot keep this insulin pump, I will continue to be as meticulous as possible to keep him healthy. I'll continue to learn to live with diabetes instead of fighting it. Maybe then by the time he makes his arrival, he will have a healthy, strong mother. I want to be here for him and my husband for as long as I can. But, I still cant shake the feeling that I just may be executing an act of treason against my own son. THAT is the worst part of this all...
Until next time
www.merriam-webster.com defines selfishness as follows: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others (a selfish act)
Tomorrow morning there will be a $6,000 bright purple, top of the line insulin pump on my door step waiting for me. I know, it sounds dreamy, but it's a huge predicament to say the least. The trouble is that I am 26 weeks + 1 day into my pregnancy. This pump is on "rental" until the end of my pregnancy. Therefore giving me only 12 weeks of freedom, give or take some. Then I'll have to return it. This is due to the fact that I don't have insurance. I do have CareSource, IF you want to call that insurance, you can, I won't. After I have the baby, I won't have even that any more, supposedly. My husband's work has Anthem, BUT that would take $189 out of each weekly check, plus for ONE YEAR I would have to pay in full for all diabetic supplies and diabetes related doctor visits. So, another closed door that is. We can't afford that.
My predicament is that I do not want to even open this, what I like to think of as a "life line", of a machine. I don't want to know this type of freedom, and have it ripped away. For the first time in my life I am actually caring for my diabetic body in a safe, and healthy way. I'm being meticulous about everything. I'm for once managing myself. My blog title is no longer a lie. The main problem was that I was diagnosed at 7. My parents got all sorts of training on how to manage diabetes. I was far too young to understand, and did not get the same classes and education. What I have learned I have picked up from watching my mom, reading blogs, etc. No professional has ever gone over how to manage my disorder. In the past few weeks since switching prenatal care to UC High Risk Clinic, they have taught me to "manage". I now have the best understanding I've ever had about my body and my life. To open, and use this pump would be the equivalent of having an epiphany, changing my life, then the pump would make my life even easier (almost as if I have a working pancreas), and then I would just be handed back every problem I've had since the age of 7. I feel to use it for 3 months, when I'm still learning to be a diabetic, would make me lazy. I'm fearful I'd forget how to do this on my own.
Tomorrow my plan is to call human resources and talk to my case worker. If there is a glimmer of hope that I can keep my insurance without drastic measures on my husband's and my part, I will use it. If there isn't I'm sending it back. I've spoken to my pump rep to see if I could keep this pump, and pay for it monthly myself. She said there is absolutely no way. Her exact words were, "no insurance, NO pump." She also told me how much money that would be to upkeep every month, and she's right, there is NO way. I'm going to give a fight to keep it, I haven't given up, know that. I'll start preparing for war tomorrow. Hopefully, having the unopened box here at my grasp will give me that much more drive.
The funniest thing about this to me is that, people who are like me- who are diagnosed with some chronic condition, that we DID NOT ask for, get absolutely no help. Yet, if you're addicted to methadone, you can go to one of the many methadone clinics and get your fix for free. It's to keep them satisfied, to keep them "healthy, happy, and sane". To keep druggies from using dirty needles and adding horrible things like AIDS, HIV, or Hepatitis C. I am not saying that these people are asking for their battle with drugs, or that it's not unfair. I'm saying I really didn't put myself in any way, in the way of diabetes. Diabetes chose me. I never did one thing to up my chances of being caught in a battle with diabetes. Methadone is very addictive, I know. I have been in a methadone clinic. I've seen what it can do. My husband was on it after his motorcycle accident. It turned him into a different person. It helped his massive amounts of pain. He still hurts, and yet he DOES NOT continue to use it. We had over $2500 worth of that drug in our house. He used it all. It helped him tremendously! I'm sure he'd be more than happy to continue to use it to ease the pain. The plain and simple fact is that he doesn't. He deals with his pain. So to those who get the help, the free drugs, etc. Be thankful. And to us who need the help, for the drugs and supplies to keep us ALIVE, keep your head up. We are strong individuals. No one can ever compare to our bravery.
Now, that I've taken you on a journey all around the world, I'll bring you back to the homeland. I am committing my first act of selfishness as a mother. I refuse to use this pump, even though it could potentially make my son's life in utero, a healthier one. I've been selfless this entire time, until now. This is something I cannot do. If I cannot keep this insulin pump, I will continue to be as meticulous as possible to keep him healthy. I'll continue to learn to live with diabetes instead of fighting it. Maybe then by the time he makes his arrival, he will have a healthy, strong mother. I want to be here for him and my husband for as long as I can. But, I still cant shake the feeling that I just may be executing an act of treason against my own son. THAT is the worst part of this all...
Until next time
Friday, December 31, 2010
Just Stop Fighting It.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you! I always find myself having to catch up on so much when I write a post.
I transfered my prenatal care from Good Sam to UC hospital. So far, they're ok. I think they're just like any other doctors, "practicing" medicine. Of course I don't fit in their "typical diabetic" box... that stresses them and me. I was held captive in the hospital for a few days. It was to try and control my bloodsugars. I was put on bed rest there, and followed a strict diet. Guess what? They didn't get them under control either. lol. I was freed, I still follow a super strict diet, and I'm on "functional bed rest". I spend my days counting, weighing, and measuring my foods, eating 6 times a day, and at a specific time, and resting as much as I can. It makes for some long, long days. I look forward every day to when my husband gets home. He just makes everything so much better.
Ryan has an appointment with his cardiologist on January 14th. He's scheduling another surgery to fix the blood flow to his left arm. My friend Alexis is throwing me a baby shower on January 30th. It's a tea party! I'm so excited.
Our Christmas was great! Ryan surprised me with some very pretty and very expensive earrings! He's just a good guy. I love them.
I'm ready to bring in 2011. I can't wait to have our son, and hold him so tight. I'm ready to get back on my feet. I can't wait to be living on our own again, and me not needing so much help. I'm very excited for my future. I wish the present would hurry up and become the past.
Until next time!
I transfered my prenatal care from Good Sam to UC hospital. So far, they're ok. I think they're just like any other doctors, "practicing" medicine. Of course I don't fit in their "typical diabetic" box... that stresses them and me. I was held captive in the hospital for a few days. It was to try and control my bloodsugars. I was put on bed rest there, and followed a strict diet. Guess what? They didn't get them under control either. lol. I was freed, I still follow a super strict diet, and I'm on "functional bed rest". I spend my days counting, weighing, and measuring my foods, eating 6 times a day, and at a specific time, and resting as much as I can. It makes for some long, long days. I look forward every day to when my husband gets home. He just makes everything so much better.
Ryan has an appointment with his cardiologist on January 14th. He's scheduling another surgery to fix the blood flow to his left arm. My friend Alexis is throwing me a baby shower on January 30th. It's a tea party! I'm so excited.
Our Christmas was great! Ryan surprised me with some very pretty and very expensive earrings! He's just a good guy. I love them.
I'm ready to bring in 2011. I can't wait to have our son, and hold him so tight. I'm ready to get back on my feet. I can't wait to be living on our own again, and me not needing so much help. I'm very excited for my future. I wish the present would hurry up and become the past.
Until next time!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Oh boy! and OH BOY!
Well it's been a minute since I've written my last post. I'd like to tell you that it's because I'm so miserably busy and I cannot for the life of me find time; but, that's not the case at all. I've been huddled up in my house, thinking about life, and keeping my distance. I'm not sure why. I'm not usually like this, but for now it works.
The Monday before Thanksgiving so, November 22, we "rushed" Ryan to UC ER. I put rushed in parentheses because Ryan never gets in a hurry for anything! Since returning to work and with the coldness of winter coming on, he'd been having pain, coldness, tiredness and numbness in his left arm and fingers. I of course called his cardiologist, Dr. Meier. After speaking back and forth all day, he told Ryan to come down to UC as soon as he could, they needed to do tests. We sat in the ER for 4 hours, let me tell you a city hospital ER isn't where you want to spend ANY amount of time, let alone 4 hours. Finally, FINALLY, they call Dr. Meier like we had told them time and time again. He'd had a plan for Ryan, just no one had told him he'd come in yet. Hah! Go figure. I'll quote a doctor for you, "there isn't a lack of communication here, it's just a set of hierarchies". WHATEVER. They don't speak to one another, I call it lack of communication, THEY can call it whatever makes them feel better about it! Anyways, long story short, he stayed in the hospital a few days, he had a heprin drip to thin his blood. On Wednesday November 23rd he had his 2nd surgery due to rupturing his aeorta. They went in through his left arm with a camera to see what they could see, see, see. They removed a relatively good sized blood clot. He was released late in the evening on Thanksgiving day. He was off work for 2 more weeks. He went back to work this Monday. It was supposed to bring ease to our minds, but it didn't. He has more pain, tiredness, and coldness now than before. Yesterday he was outside for 45 minutes. He wore 2 gloves on his left hand, and one on his right. When he came in he checked the temp on both hands. His left was 52 degrees, and his right was 76. That's an INSANE difference! Anyway, it's for sure that he will have to undergo another surgery to fix this bloodflow problem. We go back to see Dr. Meier on January 14th. I hope this one works. The plan is to do a bipass, so going in through the chest. Dr. Meier will put a shunt from the artery that supplies blood to the brain, from behind the ear down through the neck and into the shoulder. This shunt will supply blood to both Ryan's brain and his left arm. That's the plan, and I hope this one works. If not, "there really isn't another option..."
Another big thing that's taken place since my last post. We found out what we're expecting!! It's a BOY!! His name is Maximus Ryan Jordan. Unless, I can get Ryan to add another middle name, or change the Ryan. If we don't he will have the same initials as Ryan's dad. Umm...yeah, that bothers me. That's a different story that I don't want to blog about at the moment! Anyways, our son is doing well! On November 30th, he was about 15oz. Everything was on track, and he looks like a bundle of health! He is stubborn like his parents, and wouldn't look at us for a picture! He he has huge feet, a huge head, and there is NO DOUBT that he is infact, a BOY! lol. I wasn't surprised when she said "oh, well there it is, he's a definitely a boy!". I didn't have any intuitions on the gender, until the week prior. It was a strong overwhelming feeling that he was a boy. While Ryan was in the hospital, we both called him only by Max. So, we weren't all giddy, "OMG! It's a boy!!" blah blah blah, like I expected the experience to be. I was more relaxed and calm, and just said to myself, "I knew you were..." Ryan showed a smile. He knew too. So, now I'm planning on starting to make his crib sheets, etc. I'm thinking Frankenstein =)
On another note, I think I've mentioned it, but earlier in my pregnancy Ryan made the decision to move us in with my parents. It was for my well being, as well as Max. I was having so many problems controlling my bloodsugars, and they were constantly low. So, here I always have someone around. ALWAYS. Well, I was annoyed by it, but I have to admit it has saved me quite a few times! And now with Ryan's last surgery, and his two weeks off of work. Plus, his next surgery, which will be an even longer recovery... It's saved more than me and Max. It's been a true blessing in disguise. My parents are helping us so much. They are bending over backwards to help us get our family on track. Ryan's family is too. I used to take my family for granted, but now, I really don't know where we would be without them. I'm so thankful. I owe them all more than I ever will be able to repay. I hope they know though, that I love them and I deeply appreciate everything they sacrifice for us. I'm going to write a personal story about our journey, and use shutterfly to actually make look like a "book". I'm going to include all the pictures from the hospital, and pregnancy , and Max. It's my thank you to my family. I'm excited to have the passion to write again. Let's hope it works out!
That's all I have for now. Until next time, peace and love...
The Monday before Thanksgiving so, November 22, we "rushed" Ryan to UC ER. I put rushed in parentheses because Ryan never gets in a hurry for anything! Since returning to work and with the coldness of winter coming on, he'd been having pain, coldness, tiredness and numbness in his left arm and fingers. I of course called his cardiologist, Dr. Meier. After speaking back and forth all day, he told Ryan to come down to UC as soon as he could, they needed to do tests. We sat in the ER for 4 hours, let me tell you a city hospital ER isn't where you want to spend ANY amount of time, let alone 4 hours. Finally, FINALLY, they call Dr. Meier like we had told them time and time again. He'd had a plan for Ryan, just no one had told him he'd come in yet. Hah! Go figure. I'll quote a doctor for you, "there isn't a lack of communication here, it's just a set of hierarchies". WHATEVER. They don't speak to one another, I call it lack of communication, THEY can call it whatever makes them feel better about it! Anyways, long story short, he stayed in the hospital a few days, he had a heprin drip to thin his blood. On Wednesday November 23rd he had his 2nd surgery due to rupturing his aeorta. They went in through his left arm with a camera to see what they could see, see, see. They removed a relatively good sized blood clot. He was released late in the evening on Thanksgiving day. He was off work for 2 more weeks. He went back to work this Monday. It was supposed to bring ease to our minds, but it didn't. He has more pain, tiredness, and coldness now than before. Yesterday he was outside for 45 minutes. He wore 2 gloves on his left hand, and one on his right. When he came in he checked the temp on both hands. His left was 52 degrees, and his right was 76. That's an INSANE difference! Anyway, it's for sure that he will have to undergo another surgery to fix this bloodflow problem. We go back to see Dr. Meier on January 14th. I hope this one works. The plan is to do a bipass, so going in through the chest. Dr. Meier will put a shunt from the artery that supplies blood to the brain, from behind the ear down through the neck and into the shoulder. This shunt will supply blood to both Ryan's brain and his left arm. That's the plan, and I hope this one works. If not, "there really isn't another option..."
Another big thing that's taken place since my last post. We found out what we're expecting!! It's a BOY!! His name is Maximus Ryan Jordan. Unless, I can get Ryan to add another middle name, or change the Ryan. If we don't he will have the same initials as Ryan's dad. Umm...yeah, that bothers me. That's a different story that I don't want to blog about at the moment! Anyways, our son is doing well! On November 30th, he was about 15oz. Everything was on track, and he looks like a bundle of health! He is stubborn like his parents, and wouldn't look at us for a picture! He he has huge feet, a huge head, and there is NO DOUBT that he is infact, a BOY! lol. I wasn't surprised when she said "oh, well there it is, he's a definitely a boy!". I didn't have any intuitions on the gender, until the week prior. It was a strong overwhelming feeling that he was a boy. While Ryan was in the hospital, we both called him only by Max. So, we weren't all giddy, "OMG! It's a boy!!" blah blah blah, like I expected the experience to be. I was more relaxed and calm, and just said to myself, "I knew you were..." Ryan showed a smile. He knew too. So, now I'm planning on starting to make his crib sheets, etc. I'm thinking Frankenstein =)
On another note, I think I've mentioned it, but earlier in my pregnancy Ryan made the decision to move us in with my parents. It was for my well being, as well as Max. I was having so many problems controlling my bloodsugars, and they were constantly low. So, here I always have someone around. ALWAYS. Well, I was annoyed by it, but I have to admit it has saved me quite a few times! And now with Ryan's last surgery, and his two weeks off of work. Plus, his next surgery, which will be an even longer recovery... It's saved more than me and Max. It's been a true blessing in disguise. My parents are helping us so much. They are bending over backwards to help us get our family on track. Ryan's family is too. I used to take my family for granted, but now, I really don't know where we would be without them. I'm so thankful. I owe them all more than I ever will be able to repay. I hope they know though, that I love them and I deeply appreciate everything they sacrifice for us. I'm going to write a personal story about our journey, and use shutterfly to actually make look like a "book". I'm going to include all the pictures from the hospital, and pregnancy , and Max. It's my thank you to my family. I'm excited to have the passion to write again. Let's hope it works out!
That's all I have for now. Until next time, peace and love...
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